They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Our 1,288th Edition
Friday, December 4th, 2020
Three weeks from today, people!

President-elect Biden loves to say, "America is back." I guess I wasn't paying attention---where'd we go?

We had a traditional Pilgrim-style Thanksgiving dinner... if the Pilgrims had celebrated with an organic, gluten-free, dairy-free tribe.

I am not kidding. Wednesday morning, the day before Thanksgiving, we made a grocery store run. The line to check out was a bit long and a guy walked towards the back of it while saying, "Oh yeah, tomorrow is Thanksgiving." How can that possibly be a surprise?

He hasn't even taken over yet as interim host of Jeopardy, but Ken Jennings is already in hot water. Someone dug up an old Twitter comment he made back in 2014, that said: "Nothing sadder than a hot person in a wheelchair." And this is why I didn't want that job. Too much available to dig up.

President Trump pardoned his former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn the day before Thanksgiving. Because of the timing, Flynn dressed up as a turkey.

Amazon keeps telling me, "Time is running out!" I'm wondering, "So, did they talk with my doctor? What are they not telling me?"

I was looking at all the Cyber Monday specials on Amazon and everything was either "I already have that" or "I don't really need that." I may have been cured.

President-elect Joe Biden broke some bones in his right foot while playing with his dog. The dog was questioned by the Secret Service and released.

President Trump, of course, didn't believe the reports that Biden broke his foot. He called it "Fake Bruise."

The folks at Merriam-Webster announced their "Word of the Year" for 2020: Pandemic. My guess is the most spoken Words of the Year are not used in polite circles.

New York City plans to send kids back into the classrooms on December 7th. Should be fine. Nothing bad has ever happened on December 7th.

It feels like the way this year has gone, a mistletoe ban can't be far into the future.

I feel it's a tad early to start wishing people "Merry Christmas," so instead, I'm using the traditional greeting, "Hey you!"

NBC is apologizing for a Selena Gomez kidney transplant joke on their new version of "Saved by the Bell." To be honest, I've never really heard a funny kidney transplant joke.

Cardi B is apologizing for hosting a Thanksgiving dinner with 37 people. Her prayer before dinner that night: "Lord, we know things could be better, but thank you for this super-spreader. Amen."

I was just thinking: you know who's having a really tough time this year -- mistletoe farmers!

Why would I want an air fryer? I like my air fresh!

At least 41 people who attended a swingers gathering in New Orleans in November have tested positive for the coronavirus. Masks were worn, just not the medical type.

At least for the time being in the White House, there's a temporary ban on the phrase, "I beg your pardon."

The divorce proceedings continue, and Kelly Clarkson's husband is asking for $436,000 a month in support. You know, with budgeting, you could make that work.

Just curious-(and this really happened) If Word says it's spelled wrong, but Grammarly says it's right, which one do you go with?

You know, I got to the point yesterday where I just took all my clothes off and screamed as loud as I could. The manager at IKEA asked me to leave the store.

You know, the past just isn't what it used to be.

Zoom meetings are the modern equivalent of a seance. "Bill, are you with us?"

From Facebook:

• How's adulting going, you ask? I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the past 20 minutes.
• An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
• The finest shoes are made of smooth leather. My opinion will never be suede.
• My family asked what I was planning for Thanksgiving. Apparently "Having four Margaritas before I get here" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
• Besides "life is short", what other lines do you use to justify bad decisions?
• ME: I'm exhausted. FITNESS TRACKER: You have taken 12 steps today.
• Customer service to the Premium Liquor Cabinet, please.
• We live in the era of Smart phones and stupid people.
• One benefit of packing is finding all those gift cards you forgot about.
• ME: How much is the rent for this gorgeous apartment? GUY: Sir, this is a liquor store.
• I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
• If you get a link that says, "William Shatner Singing Christmas Carols", don't open it. It's really William Shatner singing Christmas carols.
• Have we tried throwing a politician into a volcano to appease the virus yet? Just wondering... .

Me: Don't worry, these hamburgers are all plant-based.
You: Which plant are they from?
Me: A meat-packing plant.
 

TOP FIVE HOLIDAY SONGS THAT WERE NEVER BIG HITS

1. "Have yourself a Mary Steenburgen"
2. "O Little Town of Santa Clarita"
3. "Jingle Horns"
4. "It's beginning to look a lot like Kwanza"
5. "I'll be home a couple of days after Christmas"

TOP FIVE REINDEER WHO TRIED OUT FOR SANTA'S TEAM BUT DIDN'T MAKE IT

1. Flatulent
2. Alouisish Stonewall Monoscowitz (just because Santa didn't want to call out his name)
3. Lusty
4. Stinky
5. Blitzkrieg

TOP FIVE PRODUCTS THAT OVER-COMMERCIALIZE CHRISTMAS

1. "All I want for Christmas is" Booze
2. Have a Holly Jolly Rancher
3. Joy Dishwashing Soap to the World
4. Bethlespam
5. The Birthplace of Chia's