A new study says that eating wine and cheese may actually reduce your cognitive decline. See, I always said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. President Trump insists it was him.
My mind. Hear that Ellen DeGeneres has tested positive for the virus, I was imagining if Oprah still had her show and had caught it. "You get a case! And you get a case! And YOU get a case!"
The Cleveland Indians have announced that after 105 years, they're going to drop the name Indians from their team. They're thinking they make use the same name the Washington Redskins went with.
Joe Biden won the electoral college. One of the few college events this week not canceled by a COVID outbreak.
I must be getting old. Now I can't remember the words to my favorite Christmas song. It went, "Fa-la-la-la-la-lah, la-la-la... ..something."
Kelly Clarkson's daytime TV show has been renewed through 2023. Unless, of course, they come up with a cure.
A reminder that this show is available for curbside pick up if you take your radio and go stand next to the curb.
Which sounds worse: "Just 10 days" or "A week from Friday?"
U.F.O. sightings in the New York City area are up 283% since 2018 and up 31% this year. You can probably understand why any intelligent life would not come down here.
Every year, I send Santa an email. The subject line: Naughty, but with explanation.
Attorney General William Barr will leave his job shortly before Christmas. My theory is that he refused to put on the red suit and beard.
In Sweden, a McDonald's in Stockholm has opened up the first McDonald's Barbershop, which specializes in the "Golden M" haircut. I'm just imagining going in there and hearing, "OK, one haircut. Would you like fries with that?"
According to a new survey, half of all remote workers admit they're having an occasional drink during the day. To everyone's relief, they are not naming names.
Yeah, I'm really behind on my list of things to do for the holiday. How far behind? This weekend, we're going out to get our pumpkins!
Hilary Duff says a "Lizzie McGuire" reboot isn't going to happen. You're welcome.
Indonesia is building their own version of "Jurassic Park", which means a resort on an island with over 1,000 Komodo Dragons. Apparently, that's a third of the Komodo Dragons left in the world. Unfortunately, last week, one of the workers was attacked by a Dragon and had to be rushed to a hospital. Did we not learn anything from the movies?
Remember the old days when planes had smoking and no-smoking sections? Some of us do. In Russian, an airline there is offering sections on their flights-mask and no-mask sections. It's been said before-that's like having a peeing section in the pool.
- We got a new puppy and we've decided to name him Santa because every time we turn around, he's leaving something under our tree.
- What do you call a snowman that works out? An abdominal snowman.
- Knock, knock. Who's there? Murray. Murray who? Murry Christmas!
- My friend writes songs for a sewing company. Yes, he's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
- Just wait until 2020 turns 21 and start drinking.
- Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you will be getting science textbooks.
- At breakfast, a man asks his wife, "If I won the lottery, what would you do?" She replied, "I'd take my half and leave you." He followed with, "Great. I won $12 yesterday. Here's your 6 bucks, stay in touch."
- If you think you're smarter than the previous generation: Back then, the car manual showed you how to adjust the valves. Today, they remind you not to drink the contents of the battery.
- CO-WORKER: I can smell alcohol through your mask. ME: Well, then maybe you should back the hell up. We're in a pandemic!
- Can you stop asking Santa for the perfect man? Elves tried to kidnap me three times today.
- I had a date last night. It went well. So tonight, I'm going to have a fig.
- Baby, it's COVID outside!
- I've been nominated to do 25 sit ups for 25 days. Naturally, I blocked the person that sent me the challenge.
- Being asked if I'd like another glass of wine is like being asked if I'd like more money.
- No way I'm going to get the vaccine. I have no idea what's in there and... oh, look the McRib is back at McDonald's!
- I do not have ducks or a row. I have squirrels and they're everywhere!
- When this is all over, I say we throw a huge party! Decorate for Christmas, have Thanksgiving dinner, then go hunting for Easter Eggs in our Halloween costumes, then celebrate birthdays and light off fireworks!
- Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?
- ME: I finally got 8 hours of sleep! NECK: Yeah, but you were doing it wrong.
- People who really enjoy life rarely have a flat stomach. Just sayin'...
- You can never be sad with a taco in your hand.
- I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken and Vegetable. One day, I hope to be a boulionaire.
- I miss the days where we were terrified of Romaine lettuce.
- SHE: I just look at myself naked in the mirror and I look awful. How about a compliment to lift my spirits? HE: Your eyesight is perfect.
- A reminder that Wal-Mart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can spend the holiday with their families.
- Don't drink and wrap gifts. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'd like that back. * I just ate a Snickers and I'm still a jerk. They lied!
- Aren't you glad your childhood took place before technology took over?
- Are we still allowed to leave out milk ‘n cookies for Santa Claus, or is that considered indoor dining? Asking for a friend.
- Dear Santa, this year, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix them up like you did last year.
- You call it "blacking out." I call it a "Surprise nap!"
- The quote of the year for 2020: "You're on mute!"
- There are two kinds of people in the world, and they usually marry each other.
TOP FIVE LAST-MINUTE GIFTS YOU SHOULD REALLY RESIST THIS YEAR
- A Swimsuit Calendar of Your Boss (yeah, try to unsee that!)
- A Murder Hornet Farm
- A Home Vasectomy Kit
- The Spam Sushi Maker
- The Chia Ballot Re-Counter
FIVE WAYS IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE WISE MEN HAD ARRIVED IN 2020
- Frankincense-scented hand sanitizer
- A Myrrh Face Mask
- Instead of gold, Bitcoin
- Camels replaced with Uber
- Kings, but admitting "We're no LeBron"
TOP FIVE HOLIDAY PHRASES UPDATED FOR 2020
- "Merry Christmas, your mute is on!"
- "God rest ye merry non-gender or sexual preference specified entity."
- "Peace on earth, Goodwill has quit taking furniture."
- "Kiss me under the mistletoe 6-feet over there!"
- "God bless us, almost everyone!"