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Christmas tip: If you want a last-minute gift, don't start shopping until 3pm Christmas Eve. You'll be amazed at your resourcefulness and what great solutions await you at 7-11.
In Ohio last week, a man was arrested for roller skating... down the freeway... .wearing only a panda head and carrying a golf club. Yep, buck naked. OK, it was Ohio, buckeye-naked.
A fire at a Florida chicken farm killed over 240,000 chickens. Some died the regular way, others were extra crispy. (who needs a vacation?)
Federal law enforcement officials in Virginia say they've seized nearly 5,000 fake karaoke machines. They most likely will be destroyed. Hey, while you're at it, can you take out 5,000 of the legitimate ones?
Vice-President Pence has announced that members of the new U.S. Space Force will be called "Guardians" instead of astronauts. Commander Peter Quill said he approved.
A new study out of Australia claims that kangaroos can communicate with humans. The first they'd like us to know-keep your hands out of their pouch!
I took all my presents to Chance the Rapper and he said, "Do it yourself!"
Three days to go. Of course, I'm talking to you last-minute shoppers who haven't started yet.
I'm not lazy. It just so happens that my spirit animal is the sloth.
Mutant strains, huh? The way this year is going, before it's over, I'm expecting to hear about Teenage Mutant Virus Strains.
Well, Jupiter and Saturn aligned on Monday night to create a beautiful Christmas Star in the sky. Unfortunately, living in the Pacific Northwet (yes, I meant to spell it that way), it was not visible due to a thick cloud cover, pouring rain and a black umbrella.
Apple is moving ahead with developing car technology and could have their first self-driving car out there by 2024. In the spirit of how they name their products, I'm thinking it should be the i-Can't Drive.
One thing about kids home schooling-at least when it snows, you no longer have to do school closures.
More than 70 West Point cadets have admitted cheating on an online math test. When asked why he resorted to cheating, one cadet responded that he wasn't 120% sure.
Today is actually "National Humbug Day!" Except, of course, for those of you who observe the holiday year ‘round.
There are some conspiracy folks who are saying that the world was supposed to end this week. If it happens right before Christmas or after I spent all that time writing these jokes and you don't get to use them, I'm gong to be really ticked off!
- Some call it multi-tasking. I call it doing something while I try to remember what I was going to do in the first place.
- ME: Whisky, please. GUY: Sir, this is a McDonald's. ME: OK, then make it a McWhisky!
- 2020 is my new swear word: "That's a load of 2020", "What the 2020!" and the new classic, "Shut the 2020 up!"
- "One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens."-me, eating my way through an Advent calendar.
- I hate when people can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.
- I'd like to thank whoever told my mom that WTF stood for, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Her texts are so much more fun now.
- A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
- Two tips for Christmas: 1) Forget the past. You can't change it. And 2) Forget the present. I didn't get you one.
- I just released my own fragrance. No one in the car seemed to like it.
- A holiday poem-Times are tough, money's hard, here's your friggin' Christmas card!
- I hate when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
- Sure, you could get your wife expensive jewelry or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a new mop. Never.
- I just saw someone explaining the cause of ‘mansplaining': it's ‘correctile dysfunction'.
- On one Facebook page, this status report: ‘In a toxic relationship with Amazon Prime'
- Mary, exhausted, having just gotten Jesus asleep, is approached by a young man who thinks to himself, ‘What this girl needs is a drum solo!'
- If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck!
- STEP 1: Remove food from packaging. STEP 2: Throw out packaging. STEP 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time. Repeat steps 2 and 3 as necessary.
- Everybody sing -- If you're happy and you know it, its your meds!
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT ANNOY SANTA
- Kids that aren't potty-trained
- Putting Nair in his beard cream
- Oat Milk (c'mon, people, REAL milk)
- Rubber Cookies
- Whoopie Hearths
TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF BEING SANTA CLAUS
- Jolly Green Giant constantly suing you over use of the "Ho Ho Ho" slogan
- People keep asking if you're Tim Allen
- Millions to be made in weight-loss products and you can't accept the offers
- Got to maintain image, so only color you wear is red
- People are always asking you for things
TOP FIVE THINGS THE THREE WISE MEN PROBABLY DIDN'T SAY
- "Hey, you guys wanna stop at the Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh store?"
- "The next you say, 'I've Got Three Kings,' you're out of the group!"
- "Look! A 3-on-3 basketball tourney. You guys up for it?"
- "Think we should pull into a gas station and ask for directions?"
- "I'm kinda surprised this star isn't taking us to Hollywood"
Laugh a little, would ya?