Martha Stewart has received the COVID vaccine. Someone, somewhere determined that she was essential and at least for her, that's a good thing.
An Oprah Winfrey biographical documentary is coming to Apple Plus TV. And you'll get her story, and you'll get her story, and you'll get her story... .
The Mega-Millions and the Powerball jackpots are both at record levels. Mega-Millions is $850-million for tonight, Powerball is at $730-million for tomorrow night. Win them both and we'll consider a greedy person.
The founder of My Pillow visited President Trump last Friday at the White House to tell him what was on his mind. Ironically, he hasn't been able to sleep lately. You know, it could be your pillow!
Washington State is teaming up with Starbucks to help in distribution of the COVID vaccine. So, they've got a shot with your name on it, only the name is spelled wrong.
This is that special time every four years when we're reminded about the correct spelling of the word, "Inauguration" and then, starting tomorrow, we go back to forgetting.
Still can't get over the fact that Betty White turned 99 over the weekend. About time for her to have a mid-life crisis, isn't it?
In Thailand, a woman has been sentenced to 43 years in prison for insulting the king. Someone's a little sensitive....
Just noting the date of Inauguration Day: 1202021
My buddy Matt Case said, "The rest of the world is watching America like America watched 'The Tiger King'."
A psychic near me has closed her office. Yep, out of business. Wonder if she knew that was coming? If not, might have been why she went out of business.
I drove to the gym yesterday. My plan is to go about this gradually and so the next time I go there, I may actually get out of the car.
The Girl Scouts will have a new flavor of cookie this year: A French Toast flavor called "Toast Yay!" Which I'm going to refer to as, "Diet: Boo!"
Costco is selling a massive brownie that weighs three pounds. Or, as I like to call it, single-serving size.
You've heard of Cocoa Bombs? Well, here come Broth Bombs! A sphere you drop in hot water and it turns into soup. Seriously, is dumping a can into a pot and heating it up becoming too much work?
The food blurs continue. Now Duncan Hines is offering a Fruity Pebbles Cake mix. So you can have your cake and eat breakfast, too. Don't mind if I Yabba-Dabba-Do.
A new study proves that the more money you have, the happier you are. See, and I was willing to accept that without science.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT DOING OK
- When someone asks what I did on my birthday, I ask, "Why? What did you hear?"
- You call it eating three boxes of Girl Scout cookies by myself. I prefer to call it supporting young female entrepreneurs.
- Spilling your coffee is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon.
- My wife and I have decided we're not going to have children. We plan to tell them tonight at dinner.
- You know why it's called Almond Milk? Because you can't say ‘Nut Juice' with a straight face.
- I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.
- What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
- The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless.
- If you tell me I'm putting too much grated cheese on my pasta, I'm done with you. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
- All I want is a two-income household and to live alone.
- I got fired for asking a customer if they wanted smoking or non-smoking. Apparently, I was supposed to ask, "cremation or burial?"
- I'm a dog owner. My hobbies include neglecting my appearance, dreaming of clean floors, constantly asking "What's in your mouth?" and never peeing by myself.
- Got up at 5am, did the 8K run, prepared a vegetable smoothie for breakfast. And that's pretty much all of the dream I remember.
- Motherhood is an extreme sport. That's why we have to wear workout clothes every day.
- Yes, officer, I did see the speed limit sign. I just didn't see you.
- I need to find a hobby that doesn't involve eating or buying things.
- Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
- I thought I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.
- Just spent $300 for a limousine and then found out it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
- If you're ever in a public place and someone sits down next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "So, did you bring the money?"
- "It's really been a long week"-Me, on Monday afternoon
- Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in my kitchen said I'm fine.
- My wife asks me to remind her of stuff. That way, if she forgets, it's my fault.
- The version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility.
- Do you ever feel like your body's "Check Engine Light" is on, but you keep driving it, thinking, "Oh, it'll be fine."
- The average American eats 25 donuts a year. I'm obviously picking up the slack for someone out there.
- I'm not afraid of monsters. I'm afraid of the coffee maker breaking.
- To those who still wear their mask below their nose, it's been almost a year now. It takes less time to potty train a toddler.
- For $25 an hour, I will pose as a couples therapist and tell your spouse they are wrong about everything.
- If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will bark.
- You're actively campaigning to defund the Police, starting with Sting
- You just asked for directions to the kitchen
- You just bought a safe for your dryer lint collection
- You wear a shirt that says, "I'm with Sane"
- You defer all major decisions to the Mothership
TOP FIVE OTHER POEMS POET AMANDA GORMAN CONSIDERED READING AT THE INAUGURATION
- "Forgive my cynical crack, but do you think we'll get Air Force One back?"
- "Is Qanon Gone?"
- "There once was a President from Nantucket"
- "If I May Be So Bold, GEEZE you're old"
- "Here's Hoping the Year Brings a New Season of Stranger Things"
Laugh a little, would ya?