The Chinese New Year was last Friday. We are now in the Year of the Ox. Should be a big year for clumsy people.
I don't think I'd mind being famous. I just don't know that I would go to the length it takes to become known as "Gorilla Glue Girl."
Time to get out there and hit those After-Valentine's Day Sales.
Today is President's Day. That day we set aside each year to honor our leaders from over the years by putting cars on sale.
The governor of South Dakota has decided to delay legalizing medicinal marijuana for one more year. In her defense, it does make you lazy and want to put things off.
By the way, if it surprises you that yesterday was Valentine's Day, you may be in trouble.
Now experts are saying that two hours outdoors should be your daily goal. I guess I should really take my time checking the mail each day.
A new study predicts that drones will make up 30% of the home delivery market by 2040. Considering what age I'll be by then, I'm good with it.
Just so you know, that laughing out loud emoji with tears coming out of both eyes is considered passe`. According to one teen on TikTok: "It's common wisdom on TikTok that the laughing crying emoji is for boomers." Well, I wouldn't anyone thinking I'm that old so that's all righteously cool daddy-O with me.
An advertising guy who died last month has left $5-million to his dog. Why do I have this sudden, uncontrollable urge to adopt that dog?
It's perfectly OK to notice that someone has an ash cross on their forehead today. It's not OK to comment, "Nice ash."
A new study says that pigs can actually be trained to play video games. I'd teach my pig, but I'm afraid he'd hog the game.
A new study says that drivers who spend more than 20 minutes in the car are at risk of exposure to formaldehyde and benzene. Well, thank God for the pandemic!
Paris Hilton is engaged to entrepreneur Carter Reum. No, the phrase, "Where no man has gone before" never even came close to appearing in my mind. Why do you ask?
Isn't 'entrepreneur' French for ‘unemployed?'
In baseball news, today is the day that pitchers and catchers start complaining about having to come back sooner than the rest of the team.
A new study says that caffeine actually changes your brain structure. Well, yeah-like, bringing it to life!
Philadelphia, the folks who make cream cheese, are now making cheesecake desert cups, for people obsessed with cheesecake. Why? Because your favorite pair of jeans were starting to fit again.
Girl Scout Cookies are teaming up with K-Swiss to create three different colors of official Girl Scout Cookie Sneakers. For those who like to look like what they eat. I guess.
Archeologists have discovered an ancient brewery in Egypt. Well, that explains how they got to the point of worshiping cats.
A new study says that irregular sleep patterns can result in bad moods. Well, screw you, researchers!
- If I may be honest, I'm getting kind of tired of living through historical events.
- Apparently it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip Intro" when they start talking to you.
- I set my clock ahead to prevent being late. But all it did was sharpen my subtraction skills.
- I need a new friend. The last one escaped.
- I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.
- If you have to wear masks and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.
- Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
- I'm reading a book called "Quick money for Dummies" by Robin Banks.
- Nothing tops a plain pizza.
- I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
- It's only Quarantine if it's from the Quarantee region of France. Otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
- Two little boys are talking. One says, "So how many wives can we have?" The other replies, "16. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."
- My wife asked me to take her out to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you, so I took her to Subway. And that's when the fight started.
- Jonathon Taylor Thomas is now 39-years-old: that's one year older than Tim Allen was in the first season of "Home Improvement."
- A burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him; I just put the red laser dot on his forehead. The three cats did the rest.
- She: What's the dumbest thing you've ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I've peaked.
- A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel. AN OPTIMIST sees the light at the end of the tunnel. A REALIST sees a train. THE TRAIN DRIVER sees three idiots standing on the track.
- I made a huge to-do list for today. Now, I just need to figure out who's going to do it all.
- Me: I'm still tired from all the Crossfit this morning. Co-worker: It's pronounced 'crossant' and you ate four of them.
- Beer is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
- How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, there's clearly room for more wine!
- I just saw on the news that they're suggesting you check on the elderly. I usually get up around 7:30. Bring donuts.
- I wonder what time the clock was invented?
FRIEND: Are you drinking again?
ME: No, it's just tea.
FRIEND: What kind of tea?
ME: Tea... .quila.
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT ACTUALLY NAMED AFTER U.S. PRESIDENTS
- The TV show, "The Jeffersons"
- The movie, "The Truman Show"
- Lincoln cars
- Johnson Brats
- Busch Beer
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT WAS REALLY COLD IN TEXAS YESTERDAY
- Saw a cowboy chaining up his horse before a cattle drive
- First time I've ever seen a snowplow with steer horns on it
- A very rare sighting of a Stetson Ski Cap
- Someone heard saying, "Remember the Ale-m-m-m-m-m-m-o"
- The Lone Star seen snuggling with other stores to stay warm
TOP FIVE FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN YOUR POWER GOES OUT AND YOU HAVE NO HEAT
- Sneak over to the neighbors and hook up to his generator
- Dig out that "Snuggy" out of the Goodwill bag
- Read the book, "Body Heat"
- Reorganize the freezer (you don't have to worry about anything thawing)
- Practice blowing frozen breath rings
Laugh a little, would ya?