According to a new survey, 38% of Americans would give up sex for an entire year if they could travel safely. Send me a postcard.
VD is expected to increase by 40% this week. Vaccination distribution, that is.
Chelsea Handler celebrated her 46th birthday by skiing naked downhill. When you think of how much ski clothes cost, you can't blame her.
Now that Hasbro has dropped the ‘Mr.' from Mr. Potato Head to make the toy more gender-neutral, are all toys going to do that? When you think about it, Barbie's boyfriend Ken was years ahead of his time.
Remember, it's physically impossible to make our own sunshine. But we can make moonshine.
Some say that New York's governor has apologized, and we should move on, while others are calling for him to resign and give up the whole sausage!
Just out of curiosity-what made the Great Smokey Mountains so great?
For the record, the movie "Soylent Green" was set in the year 2022. I'd think twice about that fake meat you were considering.. .
Pope Francis is warning that if we don't pay attention to climate change that the world will suffer another ‘great flood.' Well, that explains what my neighbor Noah is up to... .
I had my first shot this morning. I'm going to wait until after my next Zoom meeting before I have another one.
They plan to begin construction of the world's first space hotel in 2025. There's a part of me that wants to be their first guest so I could write in my review that "it lacks atmosphere." That would also be the longest I would have ever gone for that joke.
The publisher of Dr. Seuss books say they are dropping six of the author's books because of their "insensitivity." The most offensive one, as you might expect, was "Sneetches are Beetches."
Alec Baldwin and his wife announced the addition of a sixth child to their family, five months after the birth of their fifth child. I don't know what kind of contest they're in, but it sounds like they're winning.
Texas has gone 100% no masks. The Lone Ranger has had to move to Arizona.
Kelly Clarkson is being accused of being a workaholic. She says she'll respond the first chance she gets. Probably a week from tomorrow, sometime in the afternoon.
On deciding which Dr. Seuss books to make go away, ironically, the publisher decided to nix on six.
Just so you know, when someone finally does write a tell-all book on me, it's actually going to be quite boring.
The Great Apes at the San Diego Zoo have received their COVID shots. I wonder which category they were in?
It's just a guess on my part, but I'm thinking Harry and Meghan aren't going to be vacationing in England this summer.
Disney is tightening its belt-they're closing 60 of their stores and laying off three dwarfs.
From Facebook:
- Remember, F.A.I.L. simply stands for ‘first attempt in learning.' Keep trying.
- Am I getting older? Or is the grocery store finally playing great music?
- Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Give him the Internet and you probably won't hear from him ever again.
- No matter how old you get, Sunday night means that tomorrow is school.
- My wife just opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice * gesture if we weren't going 70 m.p.h.
- Daddy, do trees poop? Yes. That's where we get number 2 pencils.
- Me: I can't see you anymore. I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore. Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
- Me at 18: This radio station is playing my jams! Me at 25: This club is playing my jams! Me now: This grocery store is playing my jams!
- If you're a passenger in my car, don't ever disrespect me by trying to sing lead. In my car, you are automatically a backup singer.
- Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job.
- Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I said, well, dam.
- Math problem: Jack is 69 years old. His girlfriend is 23. How much money does Jack have?
- Think of how irritating it would be if you were named Jake and you actually worked at State Farm.
- Be nice to your old friends. They have photographic evidence of your high school eyebrows.
- Did you know that 14 muscles are activated when opening a bottle of wine? Fitness is my passion.
- During the middle ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if they have something like that in mind when this one ends? Asking for a friend.
- Being older, I'm very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He's from India and concerned about my car warranty.
- I don't always Whoop, but when I do, there it is.
- A Snaccident-When you eat an entire pizza, box of chocolates or family size bag of chips by accident.
- I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like the warranty has expired and parts are starting to wear out.
- Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to be a better person? Once again, the answer is no.
- Women say they like a man in uniform, but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit, no one will speak to me.
A bit long, but funny:
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the man got a chance to explain himself.
Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish, the eagle fought back and I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it, it's sorta between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
THE FIVE OTHER DR. SEUSS BOOKS THEY MIGHT BAN
- "Hop on Cuomo"
- "And to think I saw it on Bourbon Street"
- "Horton Hears a Qanon Theory"
- "Yertle the Turtle Tries on a Girdle"
- "Is that a Wocket in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy To See Me?"
TOP FIVE BOOKS DR. SEUSS WOULD PROBABLY WRITE IF HE WERE STILL AROUND TODAY
- "If I Ran the Zoom"
- "Fox in Bombas Socks"
- "The Cat in the YouTube Video"
- "Non-Dairy Free-Range Eggs and Gluten-Free Ham"
- "The Coronavirus Made Them Fire Us"
Laugh a little, would ya?
