I hear there's a new app that helps women living in New York and blocks all incoming calls from the governor. It's called "Nomo Cuomo."
Be honest-aren't you starting to wish that humans came with a mute button?
You're missing a button. I am? Yes, a mute button!
Those in the know say that Meghan and Kate haven't spoken to each other in over a year. Big deal, I haven't spoken to either of them in (your age) years!
Fake headline: Americans Disappointed Biden's Dogs Leaving Washington Without First Biting Lindsey Graham.
You heard the Bidens sent their dogs home to Delaware after a "biting incident." I hear got really frustrated when they tried to pee in the corner of the Oval Office.
J-Lo and A-Rod are going their separate ways. Who could have seen that coming?
Several countries have stopped using the AstraZeneca vaccine, after reports of it causing blood clots in Norway. I'm imagining the doctor discovering the problem with AstraZenca saying, "Roh-oh."
Helping you drive through another morning with the "check engine" light on.
Good thing I watched the Grammys the other night. Now I know that Silk Sonic is not a version of Almond Milk.
It's St. Patrick's Day. It's the day you could pinched if you don't wear green or work in the New York governor's office.
I posted on Facebook: "It's Day #3 of the Memory Challenge. Or, wait. Is it Day #4?
Beyonce now has 28 Grammy Awards, which has been a big boost for the mantle industry.
Tinder is going to start letting you run a background check on potential matches, to see if there's any darkness lurking there. The dating app, "Better than being at home alone" say they won't offer such a service.
The political future of California Governor Newsom is in danger, I recall.
I'm not trying to sound out of touch, but... .you're saying "Megan thee Stallion" isn't a horse?
I'm still trying to find that job where I make a comfortable living, but don't have to do a lot. For example, like Boris Johnson's barber.
The folks at Twizzler have come out with a new mystery flavor, called "Mystery Flavor Twizzlers" and its up to you to figure out what flavor it is. I'm just not looking for challenges like that anymore....
NASA is estimating that it will cost $325,000 a month for astronauts to live on the moon. $325,000 to live somewhere where you can't go anywhere or do anything and have to wear protection when you go outside? I'm doing that now, for free!
Most people in Russia were angry that President Biden called Russian President Vladimir Putin ‘a killer'. Those who weren't mad were killed.
Disneyland is now planning to reopen on April 30th. They were originally planning to reopen on April 1st, but nobody believed them.
A new study says that taking "micro-breaks" throughout your workday actually makes you more productive. Hey, the sign on my desk says, "Time for a micro-break!"
They also say that micro-breaks contribute to a more positive work atmosphere. I guess I'll have to check with my wife and kids and see if that's true.
In Detroit, someone chainsawed through a bench and stole a life-size plastic model of Ronald McDonald. The restaurant is offering a $1500 reward for its safe return. Police suspect the Hamburglar.
Starbucks is celebrating its 50th birthday! Yes, it was half a century ago that a young barista named Howard Schultz accidentally burned a batch of coffee and then overcharge someone $5 for a cup of coffee. And an idea was born.
Procrastinators of the world unite! Tomorrow!
- I dusted once. It came back. I'm not falling for that again.
- Taking a dog named ‘Shark' to the beach is a bad idea.
- I spent all of Saturday afternoon in the produce department trying to get a stupid plastic bag open.
- My current situation? I'm taking life one laundry basket at a time.
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
- Forget about storming Area 51. Let's find out where that Extended Car Warranty Call Center is and storm that place!
- Life Hack: Rent the same type of car you own and switch the tires. Best 39.95 I ever spent!
- What do you call a person who starts his own fertilizer business? An entremanure.
- Pi Day is a fake holiday created by math companies to try and make us do more math.
- I'm at the stage of life where my mind thinks I'm 25, my sense of humor says I'm 10, while my body's wondering how much longer it has.
- I asked the kid working at McDonalds if the Shamrock Shakes were made with fresh Shamrocks. He went and asked the manager.
- You look like I need a drink right now.
- I know a farmer that used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. So, he got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
- During a recent job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I replied, "I don't know all the words of that one, but I can do a mean Bohemian Rhapsody!"
- The term "domestic housewife" implies that there are feral housewives, and so now, I have a goal.
- WAITER: How would like your steak, sir? ME: Like winning an argument with my wife! WAITER: Rare it is!
- ME: I'm surprised how winded I am by this exercise. TRAINER: That was just the tour of the gym.
- Everyone needs a friend they probably shouldn't sit next to at a serious function.
- Everyone 20-minute project is just one broken bolt away from becoming a 3-day job.
- I visited a Doritos Farm today. What a cool ranch!
- You wanna see social distancing? Loan somebody some money.
- I've lined up my first date this year. OK, its a court date, but I'm still dressing up
TOP FIVE THINGS YOUR FRIENDS ARE REQUESTING THAT YOU NOT DO THIS YEAR ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY
- For the last time, quit saying, "They're always after me Lucky Charms!"
- Try to start a game of leprechaun tossing.
- Do that "Anyone want to see my shillelagh?" gag again.
- End every sentence with "Sure and begorrah."
- That horrible, horrible Irish accent
TOP FIVE THINGS PLANNED TO HELP CELEBRATE STARBUCKS 50TH BIRTHDAY
- For Christmas, they're going to add a new size: The Adventi
- Not to discriminate, they're going to start offering House Blend and Apartment Blend
- Baristas planning tell Blonde Roast jokes with every cup
- They're hoping Paul McCartney will sing, "Lady Verdana"
- Every 50th cup will be the same price
Laugh a little, would ya?