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Our 1,306th Edition
Friday, April 16th, 2021
Is it too early to start complaining about how hot it is?

I was starting to feel bad about the passing of Britain's Prince Phillip, but then I re-watched "The Crown."

Sports can be so ironic at times. For example, Georgia was being criticized by some for new voting regulations that, some insist, make it harder for people of color to vote. Leaders were quick to say that Georgia is not racist. And then we all turned our attention back to the golf tournament they're hosting, "The Masters."

Believe in yourself and don't let what everybody else is saying about you ruin your self-confidence. I mean, EVERYBODY.

According to Levi's, skinny jeans are now dead. Truth be told, I've been listed as a suspect.

From fark.com: We're doing great with the vaccines. By September we should be down to chasing anti-vaxers with our Pfizer blowdarts and Moderna-tipped arrows.

Meghan Markle says she was advised by her doctors not to travel and attend Prince Phillip's funeral. She was advised by everyone else in the world not to attend just because.

Congressman Matt Gaetz tried to get a meeting with former President Trump, but he was denied. Apparently, Trump has decided to make the distance between them great again.

Nick Cannon is going to be a dad again. His girlfriend is pregnant with twins. He's already got a 4-month-old daughter and a 4-year-old son from his ex, Brittany Bell... as well as those 9-year-old twins with ex-wife Mariah Carey. Apparently, he likes something a lot. Of course, I mean 'fatherhood.'

The phrase, "Loose Cannon" comes to mind...

Today is going to be such a gorgeous day. It's the kind of day that makes you want to actually go into work, just so you can leave early!

Darius - a continental giant rabbit who holds the Guinness World Record for being the world's longest rabbit - was stolen from his home in the U.K. on Saturday. This is apparently one of those long hare crimes.

Domino's is delivering pizzas with a robot in Houston. I hear they're armed with laser weapons just in case they encounter a lousy tipper.

The federal government is pausing distribution of the Johnson and Johnson vaccine after 6 women out of the 7-million that have received the vaccine, developed blood clots. As you would expect, Johnson is blaming Johnson.

You know, I just got used to using ‘faxed' as a verb. Now I have to adjust to ‘vaxed'. You're pushing me.

They're saying regular exercise can help protect you against severe COVID. I'm screwed.

Former "Bachelor" star Colton Underwood has come out as gay. That explains all those decisions he made with a coin toss.

Tuesday was "National Ex-Spouses Day." I'd like to make today, "Hallmark, Enough With Making Up All These Friggin' Holidays" Day.From

Netflix has a new show that helps viewers learn how to sleep. Of course, we've been doing that on the radio for years.

President Biden has issued some strict sanctions against Russia, expelling some diplomats and blocking the last three episodes of Bridgerton. Yes, it's gotten serious.

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez have now officially called it quits. Who could have seen that coming?

Hostess has ordered a recall on their Snowballs. My guess is they finally realized what's in those things.

From Facebook:

  • A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  • Starting tomorrow, when life throws something at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else.
  • Remember back when we would eat cake after someone blew all over it? Man, we were wild.
  • The funny thing about kids is: they're the reason we lose it, and also the reason we keep it together.
  • Co-worker: Can you fax that to me? Me: I can't fax from where I live. Co-worker: Where do you live? Me: 2021. I live in 2021, Susan.
  • I got another letter from the attorney today. It said, "Final notice." Good. Now he won't bother me anymore.
  • I'm not rude. I'm just not afraid to say what everybody else is thinking.
  • Why are Black Eyed Peas better than Chickpeas? Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chickpeas can only hummus one.
  • "I hope we didn't need that." Me, vacuuming.
  • I love it when people think they're going to punish me by not talking to me.
  • Missing someone is terrible. Just ask any sniper!
  • Mom used to always say, "The older you get, the better you get--unless you're a banana."
  • If you feel you haven't accomplished much in life, just remember: Congress Matt Gaetz didn't have a high school girlfriend until he was 40.
  • A friend found out her daughter was using Alexa to solve her math homework. She was upset, but impressed.
  • It's great that cold and flu season is finally over so we can move on to allergy season.
  • It's OK to fall apart sometimes. Tacos do and we still love 'em.
  • When we were young, we'd sneak out of home to go to parties. When you're old, you sneak out of parties to go home.
  • Don't expect me to stop if you're broken down by the side of the road. You had multiple chances to buy that extended warranty.
  • Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
  • If you have to wear both a mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.
  • The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.
  • Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
  • My son wanted to study burrowing rodents. I told him to gopher it.
  • Nothing tops a plain pizza.
  • Cosmetology student miss's class. Forced to take makeup class.
  • I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words.
  • It turns out if you show up to the Olive Garden with a U-Haul, they won't really give you unlimited bread sticks.
  • Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
  • I'm getting ready for bathing suit season by learning Photoshop.
  • The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "Wallet, glasses, keys and phone."
  • I hate when people ask what I did yesterday. I don't know, I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something. Sighed heavily. The list goes on and on.
  • My top three assumptions when the doorbell rings: 1) It's a murderer, 2) Police telling me everyone is dead, or 3) It's that book I ordered on positive thinking
  • My ability to remember song lyrics from the 1980s far outweighs my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
  • I have a fear of giants. Its called Fee Phiphobia.
  • I lifted up my shirt to check out my abs and a Cheeto fell out. So, there's that.
  • Junk is stuff you keep around for years and then throw it out two weeks before you need it.
  1. I Hate Horse-Racing
  2. Always Dead Last
  3. I'd Rather Be Sleeping
  4. Don't Rush Me
  5. Minutes to Live
  1. He asks you not to look at what you owe until he gets a 10-minute head start.
  2. "Before I show you how much you owe, would you like some black tar heroin?"
  3. He'd tell you how much you owe, but he can't stop crying
  4. Offers you travel brochures to places without a U.S. extradition agreement
  5. Right before he shows you the results, he says, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not you."
Laugh a little, would you??

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