A pair of women who went into a Dollar General store tried to buy gift cards with a fake $1-million bill. Obviously, they should have tried something smaller, like a $26,000 bill.
48% of Cosmopolitan readers say their boss has done something to make them cry. For me, it's when he hands my paycheck.
This is a very disturbed part of me that was hoping Meghan Markle would have parachuted into the funeral on Saturday. Yeah, I'm not well.
Hester Ford-the oldest person in the U.S.-died over the weekend at the age of 116. There's something cursed about that title-they always die.
According to a new survey, 32% of people say that doing their laundry is the highlight of their week. Thank God I'm in the majority on this one.
They're saying that up to 80% of France's vineyards have been damaged by heavy frost. There's some sobering news.
Have you ever really known a Happy Hour to only last an hour?
Actress AnnaLynne McCord says she's been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, but says she is "absolutely uninterested in shame." Well, at least one of her is.
So, wait-if I'm diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, does that make me a carpool?
I'd like to apologize for my insensitive jokes that I told 10 years ago. As for today's jokes, I'll get back to you in a decade.
Alexa just let me know this is my 414th day of playing Jeopardy with her. And all this time, I thought I had a life.
Burlesque dancer Tempest Storm died at her Las Vegas Tuesday at the age of 93. Just in case you notice a stripper with her tassels at half-mast.
Don't know what's going on north of the border, but there have been an increasing number of UFO reports by pilots up in Canada. Then again, if you were from another planet, would you land in the U.S. right now?
Today is Earth Day. I was going to get it a gift, but what can you get for a planet that has everything?
Amazon is doing a test at a Whole Foods store in Seattle, where you pay for your purchases with your palms. I don't know about you, but my palms are usually empty. I'm afraid I'd be the first to earn the nickname, "Old Broke Palms."
President Biden is calling for cutting Greenhouse gases in the U.S. by 50% by the year 2030. I'm no expert, but wouldn't you do that if you just built 50% fewer greenhouses? Boom! Problem solved. Next!
About three-quarters of Kansas counties have turned down new shipments of the coronavirus vaccine due to lack of demand. This explains that big outbreak in Oz.
After calling the COVID pandemic "a hoax", Ted Nugent now admits he's had to battle his way through it. At first, he said it was just a mild case of Cat Scratch Fever.
- I eat mostly whole foods. Whole pizzas. Whole pies. Whole burgers and fries... .
- Someone once told me, "You're never going to forget me!" I just don't remember who...
- My going out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on and they hugged me so much, I could barely breathe!
- Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
- ADAM: Uh, Eve, that's not salad. That's my dirty laundry.
- Due to personal reasons, I will still be fat this summer.
- I hide from people, too. So I get it, Bigfoot. I get it.
- What's the dumbest thing I've ever done? Awful bold of you to assume I've peaked.
- When you try to leave work early, but your boss reminds you that you have 7 hours left.
- My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting in bed, thinking about how tired I am.
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
- Today's kids will never know the strength it took to roll the car window down.
- Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.
- I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
- A shout out to everyone who has searched for their phone while holding it in your hand. My people!
- You're never too old to throw random stuff into someone's shopping cart when they aren't looking.
- Me at 18: As long as we get home at 4am. I have to get up and be at work by 6. Me now: How you can you even think of starting a movie at 8?
- Last week, my therapist told me to live in the moment. I haven't stopped thinking about that since.
- Hugh Hefner made a fortune staying at home in his jammies. I'm not having the same results.
- Finally, my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
- The buttons on my jeans are starting to social distance from each other.
- I just got over my addiction to chocolate ice cream, marshmallow and nuts. I gotta admit, it was a Rocky Road.
- Golf is a really relaxing way to get frustrated and super disappointed in yourself.
- It's called Almond Milk because nobody can say Nut Juice with a straight face.
- I once had a hen that could count her own eggs. Yes, she was a mathmachicken.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT A VERY TECHY PERSON
- You said you something really funny on TwitFace
- When someone said, "WhatsApp" you replied, "Not much."
- You tried to upload something to the Cloud by throwing your phone
- You were shocked to find out a Zoom meeting didn't involve a hot cereal
- You just faxed someone an email
TOP FIVE BENEFITS OF BEING DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
- When you're done at a restaurant, you just point to yourself and say, "Oh, they're paying."
- If there's enough of you, you could have an annual convention
- Group discounts on everything!
- If you each have six items or less, you can always use the express lanes at the grocery store
- You're never alone
Laugh a little, would you??