The pope has announced a marathon month of prayer to help the end pandemic. Of course, there are those who will prefer just a half-marathon.
Caitlyn Jenner has announced she's running for Governor of California. I suppose if voters were thinking it's time for a change, she's sure an expert on that topic.
Greek authorities say they confiscated four tons of marijuana that was hidden inside of an industrial cupcake making machine. Must have been a package deal.
A Los Angeles man is walking from L.A. to San Francisco while wearing a bear costume to raise money for charity. If you see him sneak into the woods, don't ask.
According to a new study, 1 out of every 4 dogs are depressed. In a related study, 3 out of 4 dogs don't listen to this show.
I can't help but notice that today is International Typo Doy.
Its strange. Because I had to work late on Sunday, I had to miss two-thirds of the Academy Awards. Yet, seeing the last third, I'm not sure that I really missed them.
OK, I should have kept it to myself, but when Halle Berry walked out on the stage at the Oscars on Sunday, I could resist chirping in, "Oh look, they're cutting their own hair this year!"
The U.S. has announced it's going to share our doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine. It's our way of saying, "Here. Try this vaccine we haven't approved for ourselves yet!"
The ratings for Sunday's Oscars broadcast were down 64% from last year's numbers. It was actually beat by a YouTube video on how to clean your bathroom sink.
Someone posted a picture on Facebook of a keyboard covered in chili with the caption, "Sister spilled chili on my new keyboard. I just bought it last week for $90." It took everything in my power not to post, "Wow, that's some pretty pricey chili!"
Researchers have created embryos that are part human and part monkey. Let's all say it together: "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
Elon Musk is going to host "Saturday Night Live" on May 8th. Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg wasn't available.
The CDC says we no longer need to wear masks outside. But they still recommend them when around a bunch of people you don't know or scuba diving in more than 100 feet of water.
Girl Scouts in Virginia are delivering their cookies using drones. Not sure if the drones are equipped with anti-lousy-tipper lasers.
What's with our health officials and their last names? Up north, Snohomish County has Dr. Spitters.
This year in my garden, I'm going with the trend. I'm only going to grow plant-based flowers.
Rudy Giuliani's apartment was raided the other morning. He was so upset, he treated himself to lunch at the Four Seasons Resort and hot dog cart down the street.
Ben and Jerry have rolled out a new flavor that includes unbaked cookie dough and brownie batter, called "Unbaked." I have a feeling that in developing that flavor, some baking was involved.
In the U.K., Brits are drinking more beer than the local brewers can keep up with. In a related story: love-handles and beer guts.
Taco Bell is testing out a plant-based protein in a new "Cravetarian" taco, made with peas and chick peas. So, this is for the person who became a vegetarian to be healthy and who enjoys going to Taco Bell? Seems like a conflict of interest.
TOP FIVE MOST UNSUCCESSFUL CAR MODELS
- You are dust and will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know.
- Rage Against The Machine never specified which machine they were angry with, but I'm going to assume it was a printer.
- It isn't that I'm not a people person. It's just that I'm not a stupid people person.
- I wish people came with a 30-second trailer so I could see what I'm getting myself into.
- I'm the Best Man at my buddy's second wedding. Is it OK to open my dinner speech with, "Welcome back, everybody!"?
- Wow, the pollen is so thick out there, I coughed up two daffodils and a pine cone this morning.
- Getting older is one body part after the other saying, "Oh, you think that's bad. Watch this!"
- A wise old man once told his wife....nothing. Because he was a wise old man.
- A couple of kids asked me what it was like when I was growing up. So, I took their phones, shut off their Internet, gave them a popsicle and told them to go outside and play until the street lights came on.
- Most people are idiots. If you don't believe me, go into a room and yell, "Hey, idiot!" and see how many people turn around.
- I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good about getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
- I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell. Now he passes gas in my vicinity and when I react, he says, "Just performing a health check." He's taught the children this technique. I may divorce him.
- So, how do I tell my boss I don't want to work anymore, but I still want the money?
- Diet Day 1: I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.
- My boss said I intimidate co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized.
- I hate it when healthy me does the groceries because now, fat me needs a snack.
- For $250 an hour, I will pose as a couple's therapist and tell your spouse they are wrong about everything.
- Some day, I'll do amazing things. Today, I'll settle for not spilling food on my crotch.
- Had my first shot. Now waiting for the waitress to come back with my second.
- My kids laugh because they think I'm crazy. I laugh because I know it's hereditary.
- If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being thin, which would you choose? Red or white?
- Its interesting growing up and realizing that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid, but never thought the situation was this dire.
- Plant-based coffee. Plant-based beer. What's next? Plant-based wine?
- I have to cancel. I know we made plans to get together tonight, but that was two hours ago. I was younger then and full of hope.
- The Dodge Good Luck
- The Toyota Lemon
- The Volkswagen Kaput
- The Chevy Push
- The Ford Breakdown
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE THE WORST SUPERHERO EVER
- Your slogan, "I'll go run for help" doesn't instill confidence
- Able to reach the top of tall buildings with only one elevator isn't that impressive
- You knew from the beginning that Sloth Man wasn't that great of a name
- That flap on the back of your suit keeps falling day
- 20/20 vision isn't really that special
Laugh a little, would you??