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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,310th Edition
Friday, May 14th, 2021
Another collection of dozens of jokes, including two funny ones!

How did I think he weekend was going to go? I thought for sure the Chinese rocket would crash to the earth in the same exact spot where I'm finally collecting that winning lottery ticket!

Jaleel White, who played Urkel on "Family Matters", says when he joined the cast, they weren't very welcoming. I don't know about you, but I've found that nothing heals the past like sharing some of the dirty laundry.

NASA says they've picked up radio waves coming from the planet Venus. They haven't deciphered everything yet, but at least part of the message was, "I'm your Venus, I'm your fire, what's your desire."

It's Monday. Or, for some of my friends, Cinco de Mayo-Day 6!

Once again, Mother's Day is behind us. Now we know our budget for Father's Day gifts. Just take what you spent on mom and divide by 2.

So, if you're a Republican and you don't believe in "the Big Lie", you'll get kicked out of the party? Wouldn't it make sense to just lie and say you believe in the Big Lie? Even if you don't agree, just say "Yes."

They say that prices are starting to rise everywhere you look. In fact, if you'd like to hear more about this story, I'm going to have to charge you a couple of bucks.

A tiny 8-inch square sketch of a bear by Leonardo da Vinci is going to be auctioned off this week and is expected to go for over $16-million. They should name it the "Yogi Lisa." Or not.

Scientists say that women are better than men at hammering a nail because they're more accurate. Well, that may be true, but men are more entertaining when they hit their thumbs.

I was proud to get my vaccine shots early. Now I can't help but think of all the free beer, cheeseburgers and donuts I'm missing out on because I didn't play hard to get.

Let's keep a candle burning for the candlemakers of America.

In Wisconsin, a man actually tasered his mom on Mother's Day. I've gotta tell my wife this story. "See, yours was actually better than you thought!"

25 years after the nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl, the largest man-made disaster in world history, a team of scientists has produced a vodka called Atomik-made using fruit grown and harvested in the disaster zone. Please, you first.

How long have I been in radio? I was around when the word "crap" had to be edited out of Paul Simon's "Kodachrome." Not kidding.

How about that-the east coast ran out of gas this week before I did.

Wait-so you're saying that gasoline is the new toilet paper?

The military has allegedly developed artificial intelligence that can actually detect sarcasm on social media platforms. I'm sure they used my Facebook page to test for accuracy.

And our latest score, Pipeline 1, Hackers 0. Oh, wait-they paid the ransom? OK, the updated score: Hackers 5-million, Pipeline 0.

Not surprising they were Russian hackers. Would have really been surprising if they had been Green Bay Hackers.

In Maine, a 2-year-old boy found a gun in his house and shot both of his parents. I think a stern warning about leaving a gun around would have been enough. All are fine and the gun will be locked up now.

You gotta give Alex Rodriguez credit-he somehow made Ben Affleck look like a keeper.

From Facebook:

  • Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am!
  • Always keep several ‘Get Well' cards on your mantle. That way, if your house is a mess, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
  • My weight loss goal is one chin.
  • My wife said she wanted to be ‘stupid rich' and I relied, "Well, you're halfway there!" and that's how the fight started.
  • I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
  • I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my drink."
  • I like to tour the wine regions around me: the kitchen, the deck, the garden...
  • This morning, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards a community swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  • I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history was when a thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single flavor of dressing.
  • I can't prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier and less tired.
  • When life gives you lemons, give them back and tell life you want coffee.
  • I hate when people can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.
  • No one warns you how often you'll whisper "Righty tighty, lefty Loosey" to yourself as an adult.
  • You can't truly consider yourself an adult until you catch yourself getting really angry when the grocery store changes its layout.
  • If you're hoping to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck.
  • Can we ban Facebook from Facebook?
  • It feels like Willie Nelson has been the same age my entire life!
  • I had the rudest, nastiest, slowest checker at the grocery store today. It's my fault for using the self-checkout lane.
  • Today I learned that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks a week. I also learned this week that I am WAY above average.
  • Watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should start selling my house for parts.
  • I've seen far more sunrises because I was up late, rather than up early.
  • My friend Maureen studies creatures that live in the ocean. Yes, she's a Maureen biologist.
  • Sometimes I'd like to drop my kids off in 1985 and see how long they'd make it.
  • I'm a pretty nice person. However, if there were an A**hole championship, I know I would place respectfully in my weight division.
  • Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to the other and asks, "So how many wives can you have?" The other boy replies, "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer."
  • There are media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in "The Flintstone", but I know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do!
  • With the rise in self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.
  • Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So these days, I sit at the park and laugh at all the joggers.
  • Have you ever been too nice and found yourself in a situation that could have been avoided if you had only been a jerk?
  • You cannot change the people around you. But you can change the people around you.
  • I'm not really a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?
  • Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of their life.
  • My kids call it "yelling." I call it motivational speaking for the selective listener.
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOU ARE A REALLY INDECISIVE PERSON
  1. You can't decide if you should listen to your gut instinct or your inner voice
  2. You consider the menu at the Cheesecake Factory a nightmare
  3. You still haven't filled out your ballot from the last election
  4. You feel that coin tosses are too reckless
  5. Every time you take a breath, you think, "Should I exhale?"

TOP FIVE CRYPTOCURRENCIES YOU SHOULD NOT INVEST IN

  1. Hoax Con Bamboozle Coin
  2. Swindle Coin
  3. Fraud Coin
  4. Dodge Ball Coin
  5. Bite-Me Coin
TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS COULD BE A ROUGH WEEK
  1. You slipped into a time loop where it's going to Monday every day for the rest of your life
  2. You found out that the crypto you invested in-scamsteal-was a fake
  3. Bill Gates named you as the cause of his marital breakup
  4. Over the weekend, due to an incredible mistake, you were profiled on "America's Most Wanted"
  5. Your Chinese Space Junk Alarm on your phone has started to go off
Laugh a little, would you??
 

 
 
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