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Our 1,311th Edition
Friday, May 21st, 2021
Just 10 Days Away From Memorial Day!

Prince Harry says he considered getting out of the Royal Family when he was in his 20s because it was like "living in a zoo." When he said that, Prince Charles said, "I can't believe my ears!", everyone else chimed in, "We can't believe them, either!" and so, I guess Harry has a point.

To all those who thought about injecting bleach last year, don't fill plastic bags with gasoline this year.

The latest CDC suggestion on face masks is that you only need to wear them when you're in crowded indoor spaces, scuba diving or if you're a crime fighter trying to protect a secret identity.

I just asked my boss if I could go home early on Friday. He asked, "How early?" and I said, "I was thinking now."

The more we hear, the more we're realizing that the biggest thing not safe for work was Bill Gates!

Chrissy Teigen's cookware has been pulled from Macy's because of her past trolling of Courtney Stoddard. Well, if that isn't a swift kick in the pans.

Shake Shack is giving away free fries to people are vaccinated, which of course, will give you more to hug.

I would just like to say thanks for continuing to always be my side, through good times and bad times. Of course, I'm talking about my love handles.

You know how they always ask really old people "What's your secret to living a long life?" A 111-year-old Australian man says his secret is eating lots of chicken brains. OK, so you live longer. I'm guessing you're also going to pick up the nickname, "Chicken brains!"

Weird. The other day I actually saw moss growing on Keith Richards. Didn't think that was possible.

In San Francisco, they're working on getting the Golden Gate Bridge to quit humming, a sound that can be heard up to 10 miles away! My theory why it's humming? It doesn't know the words.

In Florida, a man accidentally shot himself in the leg while trying to pick up a case of soda at Wal-Mart. To make matters, Krogers had the same soda for $1 less.

Remember last year, when some people thought taking bleach would help prevent COVID? In India, a politician suggested that she prevented getting COVID by drinking cow urine every day. So, the government there has had to ask people not to cover themselves in cow dung or drink cow urine. Now, I'm no medical expert, but I'm pretty sure that cow waste products won't prevent COVID, but it should seriously help with your social distancing.

New research indicates there are now 50-billion birds in the world. That's six times as many birds as there are humans. That explains why your windshield is in constant danger.

Demi Lovato has come out as non-binary, meaning she is requesting you refer to her as they/them. Crap, I call her she! Double crap, I said "her!" Boy, is they going to be ticked off!

(The large print) The Seattle Mariners are now leading all of baseball. (The small print) In teams that have been no-hit this season. It's already happened to them twice in 2021.

A "Harry Potter" quiz show and retrospective are in the works, to celebrate the boy wizard's 20th anniversary. Here's hoping they don't call the quiz program, "The Tom Riddle Show". I supposed "Beach Voldemort" would be worse.

New food alert: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal Oatmeal. When you have to get past four words to get to the healthy one, it should be a warning.

A new study says that drinking any kind of alcohol causes damage to the brain. Whatever that means.

Yesterday was World Bee Day. A honey of an idea. Thank you, cousin Eddie.

Naomi Campbell welcomed a new baby daughter into the world this week at age 50... because apparently, the idea of raising a teenager in her late 60s sounded fun.

An Arizona man blew up a bowling ball in his yard and was arrested on weapons charges. Apparently, a few too many gutter balls can do that to a person.

From Facebook:

  • You know, I may not be smart, funny, athletic or good looking, but... Shoot, I forgot where I was going with this.
  • I'm the type of person that gets more cleaning done in the 30 minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
  • These GPA-looking gas prices need to go. $3.89 is summa cum laude. I need some academic probation-priced gas.
  • I would like to thank the person who told my daughter that when she lies, her eyes turn a different color. Now, she squeezes her eyes shut when she lies, which made my job a whole lot easier.
  • Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink alone?
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
  • Ways to my heart-buy me food, make me food, be food.
  • The employee shortage is so bad that long-haired freaky people can now apply.
  • Children today will never know what it's like to grow up in a world with only one flavor of Oreo, single stuff. Lucky bastards!
  • Don't let anyone else ruin your day. It's your day. Ruin it yourself.
  • My posts aren't targeted at any one person, but if I offended you, I'm glad I could reach at least one person.
  • Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
  • I'm never sure if I actually have free time, or I'm just forgetting stuff.
  • Moms are the crazy glue that hold families together.
  • We'll be friends forever, because you already know too much.
  • I live by trial and error. Mostly error. A lot of error.
  • I love it when toxic friends quit talking to me. It's like the trash took itself out.
  • I don't mind coming to work, it's the sticking around for 8 hours that sucks.
  • Retirement age is 67. Life expectancy is 78. Work 50 years to enjoy 11? Start enjoying life now.
  • The CDC has just announced you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.
  • Did you know the Flat Earth Society has members around the globe?
  • Some people visit my past way more than I do. I don't live there anymore. Keep up!
  • Welcome to social media. A person that does not understand humor will contact you shortly.
  • I miss the part of COVID where there was no traffic.
  1. Matthew McConaughey Haggis
  2. Ted Nougat
  3. Rocky Roadkill
  4. Lindsay Graham Cracker
  5. Super Spreader Cheddar
  1. Constipatia
  2. Bolonya
  3. Zitsaface
  4. Yoopayforum
  5. Yoobreakadees
Laugh a little, would you??

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