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Our 1,312th Edition
Friday, May 28th, 2021
Final work day in May! We don't work for the rest of the month!

A helicopter had to make an emergency landing at FedEx Field in Landover, Maryland, last week. Yes, another touchdown at FedEx field that had nothing to do with the Washington Football Club.

A new study says that taking 4500 steps will extend your life. That's awesome! Oh, wait-per day. I'm screwed.

Knott's Berry Farm in California is celebrating its 100th birthday. For those wondering, no I don't remember when it opened.

There's a new White Cheddar Chex Mix, for those who haven't achieved their "Quarantine 115" yet.

Experts say we'll probably need a booster in the fall. My head already almost hits the ceiling in my car.

Be kind. Be respectful. If you do that, they'll never expect what you really had in mind.

Demi Lovato is asking her fans to stop complimenting her on her weight loss. That is something I will never ask of my fans, for two reasons -- I'll never lose weight and I don't have fans.

Did you see Megan Fox's dress she wore at the Billboard Music Awards Sunday night? No one did. Wasn't much to see.

An animal rights group called Animal Rebellion is demanding that McDonald's switch to only serving plant-based foods by the year 2025. Can the "Crappy Meal" be far behind?

A lawyer for that QAnon guy with the painted face and the horns (the QAnon Shaman) says that his client's mental health is rapidly declining in jail and asked for his release. Wait-he went in wearing horns and with a painted face. He's gotten worse than that?

At the new Avengers land in Disneyland next month, the restaurant is going to offer a sandwich that costs $100. So, visitors will have the choice of either eating or going to the park another day.

Talk about irony. I had bought the complete DVD collection of the TV series, "Lost" and now I can't find it.

There are some who say the many lunar eclipses over recent years are a Biblical sign the end of the world is near. Just so you know, this may or may not be our last show.

Amazon has bought MGM, which means the James Bond movies are now owned by Amazon. I'm thinking James Bond will continue to save the world, but he'll do that in just two days for Prime Members.

The line running around on social media yesterday: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to subscribe!"

Some Starbucks employees are complaining that they're being treated like coffee-making robots. You know, just spray a little WD-40 in their mouths and they'll stop making that noise.

Washington Wizards star Russell Westbrook had to be restrained after a Philadelphia fan dumps a bag of popcorn on him as he was leaving the court. Of course, what had Russell so upset is dumping out perfectly good popcorn at those prices!

A new study says that first-born males are more likely to suffer heart attacks. Great! I finally win something! It's the Friday before a 3-day weekend. Like you're going to over-achieve today... .

I signed up for HBO Max so I could watch the "Friends" reunion. They had a special--$14.99 a month and for extra $5 a month, they'll block all episodes of "The Nanny."

From Facebook:
  • As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th anniversary, I'd just like to congratulate myself for not watching a single episode.
  • MORNING: Tired. AFTERNOON: Need a nap. EVENING: Can't sleep.
  • We should really start thinking about what kind of world we're going to leave behind for Betty White and Keith Richards.
  • When a woman laughs during an argument, the psycho part of her brain has been activated. Abort mission.
  • Remember: A beach body is any body on a beach.
  • One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date!
  • I always say thanks to Alexa so that when the machines take over, they'll know I'm nice.
  • Be decisive, right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
  • By age 35, you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you don't like and actively frown at when you accidentally grab it.
  • Remember when you didn't need coffee to function and your back didn't hurt?
  • Why do dogs float in water? Because they're good buoys.
  • I'm not on the crazy train. Trains move fast. It's more like a wagon. A long, slow ride on the crazy wagon.
  • I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning, but what I love even more is the sound of no one talking to me while I drink it.
  • If your cup is only half-full, you probably need a new bra.
  • Please don't throw cigarette butts in the shrubbery. The squirrels come out at night and smoke them, and we are trying to get them to quit.
  • There's a fine line between saying too much and saying too little. I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus.
  • You know, it's weird being the same age as old people.
  • If your religion doesn't make you more loving, become an atheist.
  • The good thing about the past is, if you don't carry it along with you, it's gone!
  • I hope in my next life that I come back as a dog, so my pills are wrapped in cheese.
  • I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, I retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, and now I have no idea what's going on.
  • My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K. No way I'm running that far.
  • Afraid of not getting what you ordered with online shopping? Try online dating!
  • I used to just crastinate, but I got so good at it, I've gone pro.
  • Just watched three people out running past my house and it inspired to get up and close the blinds.
  • Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my phone while holding it.
  • If nothing else, at least mosquitos find me attractive.
  • Sometimes, I wrestle with my demons. Other times, we just snuggle.
  • If a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months.
  • DMV Lady: Do you want me to retake your picture? You look mad. ME: No, that's OK. DMV Lady: But you'll look mad here for five years. ME: I'll still be mad in five years.
  • The more I get to know people, the more I understand why Noah only let animals on board the ark.
  • I just told my kids that I'm older than Google. They think I'm kidding.
  • Lucky for me, I don't have enough friends for an intervention.
  • $29.95 for a club sandwich? I asked the waitress what it was so expensive and she said with lumber prices, the cost of the four toothpicks drove up the price.


  1. The Veggie Wedgie (not even sure I want to know what that is)
  2. A Double Hummus with Cheese
  3. Tofu McNuggets
  4. The Big Mac and Cheese
  5. Broccoli McFlurry's


  1. Contagious
  2. Flasher
  3. Jittery
  4. Psoriasis
  5. Gassy
Laugh a little, would you??

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