Australia tried to give us the boomerang, but it kept going back.
Unlike Britney Spears, I'm not even pretending to be O.K...
Yeah, they so it's been so hot in Seattle, the Space Needle is now officially sterilized.
So hot, I went fishing and the trout I caught was poached.
Up in the northwest, we keep hitting all-time highs. Reminds me of college... .
Scientists are saying that this Northwest heatwave is a once-in-a-thousand-year event. They better be right. I know where those scientists live.
So, we had a once in 100 year pandemic, followed by a once-in-a-thousand-year heatwave. So whatever is heading our way in 2022 is a once-in-every-ten-thousand-year event, right? Great. Might have to buy that comet insurance after all.
Tristan Thompson has declared his love for Khloe Kardashian after their breakup. I'm no expert, but I think he's got those out of order.
When is it OK to start drinking? Well, I usually wait until Mondays, but always stop on Sundays.
Living in Seattle, I never thought I'd ever say the phrase, "Thank God it's cooling down to 90 today."
When I hear them say, "Delta variant", I wanna ask, "So, did COVID join a fraternity?"
An octopus at a Florida aquarium has learned how to paint using his tentacles. You'd think with 8 of them going at one time, it should take him long to do a house.
I don't like dating myself. We always end up at cheap restaurants.
The average woman cries between 30 and 64 times a year while the average man cries six-times a year. That makes me sad, but I'm not going to cry. I don't want to waste one of my six times.
Experts say it IS possible for dogs to get sunburn and that if you're outside a lot, they should have on at least an SP-Woof 50.
A 1981 Ford Escort Ghia that Prince Charles gave to Princess Diana sold at auction this week for $72,000. The fact he gave her a Ford Escort is a pretty telling sign about their marriage.
Bill Cosby's conviction was thrown out by a Pennsylvania court yesterday. It was a big day for Pudding Pops.
Drinks are on him, but I'd pass if I were you.
No, you misunderstood. We said, "Free Britney", not Cosby.
The fireworks display in Everett, Washington, on the 4th is called, "Thunder on the Bay." I mistakenly was calling it, "Thunder Down Under on the Bay." Different show.
Getting ready to celebrate our country's 245th birthday. You know, they say 245 is the new 220. And I know 220 shocks a lot of people.
Happy Birthday America! Where else in the world can you see someone waving a United States flag made in China on a piece of Canadian wood while saying "God Bless America" in Spanish?
A quick reminder-fireworks look even more amazing if you're not looking at your phone.
- If owning a dog has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies quietly.
- The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house.
- Adulthood is saying "But after this week, things will slow down" over and over again until you die.
- The inventor of auto-correct has died. His funnel is tomato.
- Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes not to say what's on my mind is so exhausting, I have to take a nap afterwards.
- I can't decide which pants to put on today-fancy or smarty.
- Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. So chocolate is salad.
- I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. The list of people I'm going to haunt grows longer every day.
- I need a coffee that's so strong, when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up.
- Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for... .
- A fun thing about getting older-how you can severely injure yourself while sleeping!
- It's a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.
- Good morning. Does anyone know how much vodka goes into scrambled eggs?
- I've started telling people different stories of my life, so that when they get together and gossip about me, they'll end up arguing.
- It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. She's been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but you probably have clothes in the dryer.
- How did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?
- Heat makes things expand. So I don't have a weight problem. I'm just hot.
- The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.
- If you need a friend, message me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need a hug? Stop by my house. Need money? This number is no longer in service.
- Why was the old woman forced to live in a shoe? Because her ex-husband was a loafer with no sole.
- Male escorts should be called ‘prostidudes'.
- If you live another 40 years, you'll have another 14,000 times to figure out what to have for dinner.
- The National Weather Service has just issued a recipe on how to bake a lasagna in your mailbox.
- I can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. I mean, how low can you go?
- Things I have in common with Victoria's Secret models: 1) I'm always hungry.
- There are people in your life that will tell you that its too hot for coffee. These people are not to be trusted.
- Do the French eat snails because they hate fast food?
- One thing about a heatwave. It's pretty certain that no one is waiting in the back seat of your car to kill you.
- I say call me anytime, but the truth is my phone is usually on silent and I'll probably miss your first five calls.
- A sign: Due to the hot weather, we will not be accepting money out of your bra.
- Where do you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
- What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guy, Aluminum Man foils their plans.
- When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.
- Dear July, I don't want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don't touch anything, and keep your mouth shut.
- You're never too old to throw random stuff into people's shopping carts when they're not looking.
- I've started people about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
- I'm only responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
- People who stay in their car to hear the end of the song are my kind of people.
TOP FIVE HOT WEATHER ETIQUETTE VIOLATIONS
- Putting ice cubes under your armpits for a couple of minutes, then putting them back in the trays
- Any use of the phrase, "Hot enough for you?" In any language.
- Putting your underwear in the coffee break refrigerator
- Lifting up your shirt while standing in front of the air conditioner vent
- Yelling out, "Geeze, it's hot" every two minutes
TOP FIVE SIGNS ITS NOT A GOOD YEAR FOR YOUR FAVORITE BASEBALL TEAM
- Only team in the league with an 8th inning cry
- Team cheer before every game is, "Do we have to?"
- The best they've done all season is a one-game winning streak
- New team flag is all-white
- Up in the stands, the concession workers are asking to be traded
Laugh a little, would you??