U.S. sprinter Sha'Carri Richardson could miss the Olympics after failing a drug test. She tested positive for pot, although I need to point out, that pot has never made anyone faster at anything.
The Hubble Telescope out in space has quit working. Just a couple of weeks after the warranty expired. Isn't that just the way?
Funny, how we used to say, "Up your nose with a rubber hose" when we were kids and now that's pretty close to how we get tested for COVID! No longer funny.
If today is your birthday, I just want you to know that, from all of us here at the radio station, we didn't get you a darn thing.
Some researchers are saying that by the year 2100, humans could have a life expectancy of between 125 and 132 years. Of course, by the year 2100, I'll be 145 so the numbers really don't work out in my favor.
Friends say that Bill Cosby may be planning a comedy tour. I was shocked, too. He has friends?
By the way, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Trevor Bauer received the Player of the Month Award. For the record, it wasn't from Major League Baseball.
Actually, it was presented by Bill Cosby.
Jeff Bezos is now officially the ex-CEO of Amazon. He's still Chairman of the Board and it's largest stockholder. A hat was not passed on his way out.
One thing about the heatwave-it makes it really easy to find Waldo. Right over there, by the air conditioner.
The N.B.A. Championship Series began last night. Or, as it's known in Seattle, "The what?"
Subway is updating its menu. We don't know if it will affect their tuna-like-substance sandwich.
Andrew Cuomo's Daughter Michaela has come out as Demisexual, which I believe means she's got the hots for Demi Lovato.
Oh, wait, I found the definition and I was wrong. ‘Demisexual' means a person that only feels sexually attracted to a person who they have an emotional bond with. Life has gotten way too complicated.
According to a new survey, 65% of us believe in aliens. That should please the mothership.
A new study says that men are becoming more isolated. I was just talking about that with myself the other day.
I don't know if I believe in reincarnation, but if it does work that way, I'm pretty sure I'll come back as a piñata.
I'm at the age that... when I'm walking to the kitchen, I can't tell if those are the floorboards creaking, or if it's me.
Japan says that the Summer Olympic Games will be held without fans due to a surge in COVID cases. That means athletes from around the world will soon be able to experience what it's like to play for the Oakland A's.
McDonald's is celebrating July 13th as National French Fry Day, by giving away free fries through their app AND giving you a chance to win free fries FOR LIFE! Which means I'm just going to throw away my belt and switch to bungee cords.
From Facebook:
- Dear Arizona, thanks for the free trial. However, we are not interested in your weather at this time. Please cancel our subscription.
- Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not among them.
- "Yeah, I pretty much never sit by the pool anymore." --Marco Polo
- It's OK to kick out someone's bar stool out from under them as long as you yell, "Jenga" before they hit the floor.
- At the end of the day, no matter how old you are, it's night.
- Don't you hate it when they're out of ribbon for your dot-matrix printer?
- I don't want to sleep like a baby. I just want to sleep like my husband.
- Cow farts come from the dairy air.
- I was going to post a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
- When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.
- Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender with no top.
- I see they're going to broadcast the world Origami Championships. It'll be on Paperview.
- Obesity is not because it runs in the family. It's because no one runs in the family.
- I am giving up drinking whiskey for a month. I'm sorry, I said that wrong. I'm giving up. Drinking whiskey for a month.
- Never criticize your wife's choices. You were one of them.
- ME AS A KID: (after falling 10-feet off the monkey bars) "I'm OK!" ME AS AN ADULT: I just tried to scoop ice cream that still frozen and I think I dislocated my shoulder.
- That's ridiculous. It's July 8th and people are still lighting off fireworks.
- Every dead person on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person. Calm the heck down. One almost caught our Christmas tree on fire!
- My coworker just told me that, instead of coffee, she just runs a mile in the morning. Not to be over dramatic, but I think she's a serial killer.
- If you can smoke weed and still run faster than everyone, you should get two gold medals!
- It's been six months since I joined a gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
- Those who drink a fifth on the 4th may not be able to go forth on the 5th.
- When a man opens a car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the wife or the car is new.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAD TOO MUCH FUN OVER THE 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND
- There was actually less damage in the movie, "Independence Day!"
- Yesterday, every single one of your neighbors moved out
- Mr. Party Animal 2021 is abdicating his throne to you
- You don't actually remember going to sleep
- That actually IS a bottle rocket in your pocket!
TOP FIVE EVENTS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER BECOME OLYMPIC SPORTS
- Really, Really High Jumping (although, that could be pretty entertaining)
- Not-So-Badminton
- BM Ex-Wife Racing
- Roman Gecko Wrestling
- The 500-Meter Maid races
Laugh a little, would you??
