FYI---You will be WACKless next week as I attempt to take an actual week of vacation. Let's see if you notice ;)
The average person frowns five times a day. Stick around for today's show and we'll easily make you above average!
The Cleveland Indians are changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians, beginning next season. Can banning the movie, "Major League", be far behind?
Of course, Britney Spears isn't wild about the new name. She hasn't had much luck with guardians.
Cleveland made the announcement about the name changed with a video narrated by Tom Hanks. I suppose it's because Charlie Sheen wasn't available... .or a good idea.
A new study says drinking too much coffee can actually shrink your brain, whatever that means.
At halftime of one of the Olympic basketball games, Toyota showed off a basketball shooting robot, called CUE3. He sank a 3-pointer, then a half-court shot. While it will make for higher scores, it will seriously slow down the game.
I'm fairly convinced my spirit animal is a sloth.
About as unimportant as "Father's Day" at Britney Spears' house.
Heading into State Fair season. I'm thinking this will be the year they start offering deep-fried masks.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis say that they don't believe in bathing their kids or themselves that often. That's part of what makes them such a great phone interview.
Hard to believe we're almost done with July and the Christmas stuff should start coming out at Costco.
In North Carolina, a woman was caught robbing a home and she had brought along her 7-month-old son! Was it "Take Your Son to Work Day" and I missed it?
California residents are being encouraged to turn off their lights and set their air conditioners to 78-degrees or higher, causing a huge drop in "California Dreamin'"... ..
Kelly Clarkson's soon-to-be ex husband is going to receive almost $200K a month in support payments. You know, with budgeting, you could make that work.
The PBS animated show "Arthur" is going to end next year, after 25 seasons. That's the one with Dudley Moore, right? Why did they make that a children's show?
A judge in Spain says that Shakira may have avoided paying the taxes she owed and should go to trial. Hopefully, her hips won't be called in to testify.
The Cheesecake Factory is going to launch a rewards points program early next year. Maybe if you earn enough points, they'll give you a menu with fewer options.
Because of the chicken wing shortage, some restaurants are offering pork "wings". Yeah, when pigs fly. Huh. Maybe that's where they got the wings?
From Facebook:
- I need that kinda coffee that is so strong, it wakes up my ancestors.
- "I'm going to be late. Traffic is awful!" (ME, sitting 8 cars deep in a Starbucks drive-thru)
- I'm a multi-tasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.
- When the smart kids are arguing if the answer was 44 or 45, and you wrote ‘South Africa'.
- I think my guardian angel drinks.
- Working at an unemployment office has to be tense. I mean, if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
- If you die and get cremated, you can put into an hourglass and still be part of family game night.
- Wow. Apparently it's rude to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if he's a 'rescue'.
- Today, I plan to be as useless as the "G" in lasagna.
- Male bees die after mating. That's basically their life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
- I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. And today isn't looking good--I've already used up yesterday's tired.
- WAITER: Just so you know, today, kids eat free. ME: OK, then I'll have a water and my daughter will have a steak and a kids' Bud Light.
- I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
- I bought my husband a "Get better soon" card. He's not sick. I just think he could get better.
- I broke up with my girlfriend at a restaurant and she started crying. Everyone around us thought I had proposed, so they started clapping.
- Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend, Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news, though. I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.
- What if UFO's are just billionaires from other planets?
- ME: I'd like a Coke, please. WAITRESS: Is Pepsi OK? ME: Is Monopoly money OK?
- Why is it so much easier to fall asleep accidentally on the couch, than fall asleep intentionally in bed.
- I have Primenesia. That's when a package from Amazon arrives and you don't remember what you ordered.
- Astronauts use Apple computers because you can't open Windows in space.
- The irony is that these days, computers are asking people to check a box to prove they are human.
- I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You've probably never heard of herbivore.
- My husband asked if he had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the Powerpoint presentation.
- I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled, "How to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought two.
- Exercise makes you look better naked. So does tequila. Your choice.
- I finally figured out what to be when I get older. Younger.
- Giving up smoking is easy to do. I've done it 100 times.
- Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
- Attention: Due to recent setbacks, my summer beach body will be postponed another year. As usual, your patience is appreciated.
- Did you hear about the town that legalized pot but banned alcohol? Residents were left high and dry.
- Zombie movies don't have enough scenes where authorities announce there are fewer zombies, so everybody rushes out to restaurants, beaches, concerts and amusement parks.
- I lost my job at the bank today. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- Geology rocks, but Geography is where its at!
TOP FIVE WORST NAMES FOR A CLOWN
- Contagious ("Hey, everybody, look-it's Contagious!")
- Measles
- Incontinent
- Slasher
- Bubonic
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BUY THAT BOAT
- It's the topic of Stephen King's newest novel
- The name "Yule Regret It" should be a clue
- The motor works, but not when the boat's in water
- The ghost of Davy Jones just appeared and said, "Don't do it!"
- All of the previous owners died mysteriously
OLYMPIC GOLD
- With the Olympics underway, I'm reminded of my Great-Uncle Charlie. Years ago, he won a gold medal when he was getting ready to shot put, he accidentally backed into the javelin thrower and won the long jump!
- Then there was Uncle Bob, who was so proud of the gold medal he won, he had it bronzed.
- You know, if they made procrastination an Olympic sport, I would compete in it later.
- If low confidence and low self-esteem were Olympic sports, I'd probably get the bronze.
- If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd finish 4th just so I wouldn't have to climb the stairs.
Laugh a little, would you??
