Britney Spears' dad says he's getting ready to step down as her legal guardian. Which, to me, must mean that she's just about out of money.
The first "Murder Hornet" of 2021 has been spotted in Washington State. OK, OK, "Alleged Murder Hornet."
It was found attacking a wasp nest which, to me, means they're not all bad.
The state Agriculture Department is offering to show you how to make your own Murder Hornet Trap. I would suggest, if you're considering a new hobby, to stick with something like knitting or coin collecting.
Singer Tony Bennett says he's going to stop touring now that he's 95 years old. Quitter.
A Honus Wagner baseball card from the early 1900s sold at auction this week for $6.6 million. Time once again to bring up that "throwing out the card collection" to mom again.
Donkey Kong turns 40 this year. You've probably noticed the Gorilla wearing the knee and elbow supports.
They had tropical storm Fred come to shore, followed by Grace. How did the folks who name these things miss the chance to name this one, "Ginger." It would have cracked up the 70+ crowd.
Elton John has a new duet out with Dua Lipa, which is what you yell at the high jumper on an Italian track team. (if you can still do those kind of jokes anymore)
Matthew McConaughey is saying that he hasn't worn deodorant in 30 years, which makes me appreciate even more just how far away from Texas I am.
In Florida, Edith Murway has set a power weight lifting record at the age of 100 years old. I'd make a joke about it, but I'm afraid she'd beat me up.
Archaeologists in the ancient city of Pompeii have discovered a remarkably well-preserved skeleton that sheds light on the cultural life of the city before it was destroyed by a volcanic eruption in AD 79. Some researchers believe this was the guy that was trying to blame the dog.
An Ohio company has launched a contest to find "America's Best Restroom." Wouldn't that be hard to find? I mean, if it's that incredible, it's probably always busy.
You know, polar bears are pretty dangerous, but you really gotta watch out for those bi-polar bears.
Mattel is creating a Barbie doll to honor one of the scientists that helped create the Oxford COVID-19 vaccine. Wonder if there will be a Fauci Ken doll to match? Vaccines, masks and ventilators sold separately.
In Cornwall, England, an 83-year-old woman accidentally fell down a ravine and probably would have died there if it weren't for her cat, who stayed up at the top and meowed until help arrived. Of course, there is a part of me that wonders if the cat pushed her down there. I guess we'll never know.
McDonald's is adding a donut to its fall menu. My theory is that you were starting to order too many salads.
You know, the way things are going, I'm expecting a huge anti-mask effort this year around Halloween.
Astronomers now say they believe that Saturn has a slushy core and rings that wiggle. Of course, they say the same thing about me.
The new donuts appearing on the McDonald's menu this fall will be pull-aparts, which to me, is exercise, so I'm counting them as a healthy alternative.
Don't listen to people who are telling you what to do. Of course, if you don't because you're listening to this advice, you're doing exactly that. Never mind.
United Airlines has sent a memo to its employees, asking them not to duct tape unruly passengers. My thought is that the duct tape must be really hard on the seats.
A new Gallup poll says that the percentage of Americans drinking alcohol has actually gone DOWN over the past two years. Who are these people? I'll have you know, my friends are trying to make up for you slackers.
Daniel Craig says his children won't inherit his $160-million fortune. My question-so where do we apply?
I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, but I can actually lift up to 1 TB.
They had a suspicious vehicle out in front of the Library of Congress yesterday. Isn't that surprising? Congress can read!
From Facebook:
- How many Grammar Nazi's does it take to put in a light bulb? Too.
- I feel bad for parents these days. You have to explain the birds and the bees. The bees and the bees. The birds and the birds. The birds that used to be bees. The birds that look like bees. Plus bees that look like birds but still have a stinger.
- Why is everyone at the gym asking me why I'm sitting still on the exercise bike? I'm going downhill, dude, mind your own business.
- You know you're getting old when "friends with benefits" means you know someone who can drive at night.
- BOSS: Why are you late? ME: I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30.
- At a Couples Counseling session, the counselor points out that 85% of husbands don't know their wife's favorite flour. The husband asks, "Self-rising, right?"
- My liquid diet is going great. After 4 glasses of wine, I no longer care about how fat I am.
- The New York Yankees are now the only Major League Baseball team ever to lose a game in Iowa.
- Apparently, you have to eat healthy more than once to get into shape. This is both cruel and unfair.
- Jazz is just an excuse to play wrong notes.
- Look, you're being asked to wear a mask. It's not like it's a Nickelback t-shirt or something.
- New research shows that drinking coffee in the morning allows others to live longer.
- Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from reading your book.
- Just as a point of reference, legitimate scientists tend to post their findings in academic journals, not on YouTube.
- "I can't end my messages with, ‘Love, Shaq' because the B-52's ruined that for me." -Shaquille O'Neal
- Optimist-someone who realizes that stepping a step backward after taking a step forward isn't a disaster. It's more of a cha-cha.
- It's more important than ever for you to lock your cars. Friends, neighbors and even complete strangers could stick some zucchini in there if left open.
- Everyone wants a Jetson car in 2021. Not me. I want a Rosie to clean my house.
- My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding. But then I saw her face.
- Just pointing this out: they don't need to track you. You're carrying the device around for them.
- What if they close the grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food? I don't even know where Little Debbie lives!
- A wise man once said, "Bees don't waste their time explaining to flies that honey tastes better than crap."
- Dear autocorrect. For the last time, it's never ‘duck'.
- Last night I ordered a glass of wine and the waiter asked for my I.D.. I said, "Do I really look that young?" and he replied, "No. I was checking to see if you qualify for the senior discount."
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT'S REALLY UNHEALTHY AIR OUT THERE
- Experts say it's fine to go outside if you simply hold your breath
- The color of the sky matches your lawn
- National Weather Service warns you should only go outside if your house is on fire
- You saw a crow wearing a mask
- Everywhere you look-dead air ferns
TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS NEW PIZZA PLACE PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE IT
- The pizza just arrived. The crust is on the top.
- They're using an Easy Bake Pizza Oven
- What made them think Sushi Pizza would be a good idea?
- They're cutting slices with a cheese slicer
- Well, we can start with their Spamapolooza Pizza
Laugh a little, would ya?
