Researchers at the University of Michigan released a study that claims eating a single hot dog can take 36 minutes off of a human's life. In contrast, the study found that eating nuts could add 26 minutes to someone's lifespan. So, if someone would please invent a hot dog out of nuts, we'd only have a net loss of 10 minutes.
A Texas woman is suing Starbucks, saying she was given the wrong order at the drive-through, it spilled and scalded her. On the positive side, they had spelled her name right.
In Pennsylvania, police have a mystery on their hands. Someone left their rhino head on a sidewalk. Yes, a real stuffed head of a rhinoceros. Seems like something you would notice missing from the house.
Not mine, but I saw this online: Those aren't "portable morgues"-they're Freedom Fridges!
Harvard University has hired a school chaplain that's an atheist. Next up, they're going to focus on hiring lifeguards for the school pool that can't swim.
Robert Kennedy's assassin was granted parole, but he won't be released until it's signed off by the governor. Now the question is, will it be Governor Newsom, Governor Hank the Painter, Governor Space Cadetica, or Governor Larry Elder. That election is two weeks from today.
Another new survey says that retirement may actually be bad for the brain. With every passing day, I'm getting more and more ready to take that risk.
Lil Nas X, who once worked at a Taco Bell in the Atlanta area, is now the fast-food chain's, "Chief Impact Officer." You know, when I think of the impact of eating at Taco Bell-he can have the job!
Hey, inventors-OK, you came up with a phone that folds, now put your brains to work on a taco shell that doesn't fall apart when I'm eating it.
56% of brides won't book a wedding venue unless it has good Wi-Fi... and not very many exits. Good planning.
Talking with some friends yesterday, here's a concept ESPN-getting today's sports stars to compete in what we'll call for now, "A Vintage Game." They play baseball, hockey, golf or basketball just like a normal game, but with using the rules and equipment of a century ago. You read it here first.
Just to be up front, if I ever win the lottery, you'll never know it.
A lot of people are working on their Fantasy football teams. I got kicked off of one when my first pick was Jennifer Aniston. Hey, you have your fantasies, I have mine!
Now we're hearing that because dogs weren't allowed on military aircraft, a lot of them were left behind in Afghanistan. Sounds like Andrew Cuomo was in charge of that part.
A celebrity hair stylist says that short hair is trending for fall. If that includes receding, I'm a hipster.
The largest mostly complete Triceratops skeleton is going up for sale in an auction next week. They estimate it's over 66-million years old, so the warranty expired a long time ago. In fact, it was written on a rock.
Monday is not only Labor Day, but also the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah. Not sure which Bowl games will be on...
Another new study out on coffee-this one saying that our morning brew could actually help reduce your risk of death from a stroke or heart disease. OK, can we just stop the research there? I'm good.
Deep down inside, where I heard that Abba was planning a comeback, my first thought was, "Oh please, oh please, oh please... tour with Elvis Costello.
From Facebook:
- Aliens: We have killed your leaders and have taken over your government. Us: Oh, thank God! Aliens: Huh?
- There I am, minding my own business, sitting in a recliner, naked, watching a movie on TV, eating ice cream and Doritos and Walmart calls the cops.
- A farmer heads down to his pond and takes along a bucket to pick some fruit along the way. When he gets there, he finds three women skinny-dipping. One of them yells out, "We're not getting out until you leave." The farmer replied, "Oh, I'm not here to watch you swim or make you get out, I'm just here to feed the alligators!"
- After my prostate exam, the doctor left, and the nurse came in. Then, she said those words no one wanted to hear: "Who was that?"
- Which rock group with four members can't sing? Mount Rushmore.
- I had a date last night. I really enjoyed it. Tonight, I'm going to try a fig.
- I was posting telepathically today. If you thought of something funny, it was me.
- In retrospect, hiding all those microchips in the horse de-wormer was genius!
- If you noticed, 2021 backwards is 1202. Take away the 2's and you have the number 10. It doesn't mean anything but thanks for reading.
- "Always go to people's funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours." -Yogi Berra
- I'd just like to apologize to my kids. The world I thought we would raise you in, isn't what we live in now.
- Deja Poo-the feeling that you've heard this crap before.
- The first five florists I called knew nothing about tile or carpet. And suddenly, I'm the idiot.
- According to a Japanese legend, when you can't sleep at night, you're awake.
- Chinese takeout: $12 Tip: $3 Getting home and finding out they forgot part of the order: Riceless.
- Never regret anything, because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.
- A mandate is not a law. It's when a couple of fellows go out to lunch.
- It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
- When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you're stupid.
- I used to walk into a room and wonder if people would like me. Now I walk into rooms and wonder if I'll like them.
- Dear people who back into parking spots-Why do you need so much attention?
- Hey Jolene, you're welcome to come and take my freakin' man!
- When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring knives on a date.
- The difference between booze and weed? Five drunk guys will get into a fight; five stoned guys will start a band.
- I already know how it will end for me. One of my kids will unplug my life support machine so they can charge their phone.
- Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like, "What the Hellman?"
- Times are tough so once again, I'll be selling my nudes. $5 to get one, 25 not to get one.
TOP FIVE DR. PHIL-ISMS THAT HE NO LONGER USES
- "I think you're saying you'd like to put the trans in the transistor radio"
- "I put a dime in the payphone but there's no dial tone"
- "Boy, you're a real AOL hole!"
- "That's like using a thumb drive to go hitch-hiking"
- "Remember, the Slinky doesn't fall far from the stairs"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A TOUGH YEAR AT SCHOOL
- You're in the number one spot of the bullies' "Fantasy League"
- The cafeteria lady just spit in your food. Again.
- You have a reserved spot in the principal's office
- One teacher actually asked you to sit outside
- You keep forgetting to take the price tags off your new clothes
Laugh a little, would ya?
