Sotheby's says that in November it will put up for auction one of just 11 surviving copies of the original U.S. Constitution. It's estimated to go for upwards of $15-million unless Nicholas Cage is able to steal it.
Tom Brady says he can keep playing until he hits 50. Assuming he's referring to the age, and not the score.
Summer only has a couple of days left in it. Me too, which is not a good thing on a Monday.
For those of you wondering, the thank you speech by the director of the Queen's Gambit is almost halfway over... .
Some days, you need to make your own sunshine. Then there are those days when you need to make your own moonshine... .
The early lazy bird Uber Eats the worm.
Copenhagen has been ruled the world's safest city. It's so safe... .
- They have safeties on their Glue Guns!
- It's required that all dogwoods have muzzles.
- Every woodstove comes with a fire escape.
- Beers can only be served in shatter-proof glasses
- In theaters, it's required to wear a seat belt.
Apple is said to be working on an iPhone feature that would help detect depression. So much for taking my phone with me to Mariners games.
There's a new TikTok challenge that invites students to steal and vandalize their schools.
- Seems flawed in so many ways.
- So, commit crimes and provide the video proof. Is this sponsored by the Criminal Justice System? A way to drum up business?
- Kids, it's your first serious intelligence test.
One thing I absolutely know I'll never experience-a runner's high.
In New Zealand, two gang members were arrested for trying to smuggle a trunk full of KFC into the completely locked-down city of Auckland. Hey, when KFC is outlawed, only outlaws will be lickin' their fingers.
According to a new study, 50% of Americans believe in ghosts. That means the other half don't believe in them. We now know who to haunt when the time comes.
After being gone for a decade, Jones Soda is bringing back their Turkey and Gravy soda. Bringing back the burning question, "What the hell are you guys thinking?"
There's apparently a national Kale recall. I have never felt more unaffected.
From my buddy, Doug Esser: I can't remember much, although I do recall that I used to pay $5 for 20 gallons of gas and now I pay $20 for 5 gallons of gas.
Aston Martin is offering a battery-powered Aston Martin DB5 for kids, costing $123,000. All you, Santa.
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has finally admitted that he has six children. Things must be really different over there. I generally think it's a good idea to always know how many kids you actually have.
Time once again for fall. The season, not the action.
Up in Arlington, Washington, the Eviation Aircraft Company is getting a lot about their electric plane. Big enough to carry 9 passengers. Only drawback to it is that giant extension cord.
Film crews are threatening to go on strike. Hopefully, Adam Sandler's crew will be among the first.
I wonder if Dr. Ken Jeong is taking new patients?
Britain's Prime Minister Boris Johnson says that world needs to "grow up" and deal with Climate Change. If not, he says, "they're just a bunch of poopy-pants."
They say pets are like family. But I've never gotten a single pet to loan me $20.
- I made a huge ‘to do' list for today. Now, I have to figure out who's going to do it.
- I always write ‘wake up' on my to do list each day. I've never felt more productive.
- Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle-free and two sizes smaller?
- It's not gray hair. They're my ‘stress highlights'.
- Attention friends and family: I get paid to be nice at work. Don't expect that crap around here for free.
- I have a split personality. One side loves chocolate, the other loves wine.
- Any time you want to get a man to get off his butt and do something, just suggest he's too old to do it. Works every time.
- If you spell your name backwards and put an umlaut over the first vowel, that's your IKEA name.
- Coffee quiets the crazy in me. That's really all you need to know.
- The worst thing about getting old is that even though you're staying young inside, no one can see it.
- My level of sarcasm has reached the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
- I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are sleeping in the field." She asked, "What's that mean?" I said, "It's pasture bedtime."
- A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What type blood are you?" The rabbit replied, "I'm probably a Type O."
- We have to quit saying, "How stupid can you be?" It's like some people are taking it as a challenge.
- The older you get, the uglier you're willing to go out in public.
- If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, did he bust a move?
- Everyone told Sam not to sing, but Samsung anyway.
- My wife said she wanted to eat at one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway. That's when the fight started.
- One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you. It'll probably be a dog, but it is what it is.
- Don't save something for a special occasion. Being alive is special enough.
- People don't have an intuitive sense on how much bigger a billion is, versus 1-million. 1-million seconds is 11 days. 1-billion seconds is 31.5-billion years!
- Remember, you can't make everyone happy. You're not a taco.
- Did you know that a person uses up to 14 muscles while opening a bottle of wine? Fitness is my passion.
- If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed. If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed. If you're happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.
- To me, essential oils are what drip out of tacos.
- The brownies I started baking in my Easy Bake oven back in 1987 are finally ready if you'd like one.
- "You're too old to ride that skateboard." ME: "Oh, yeah? Hold my Ensure."
TOP FIVE PUMPKIN SPICE PRODUCTS WE HOPE THEY NEVER MAKE
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT FALL IS OFFICIALLY HERE
- Pumpkin Spice Preparation-H
- Pumpkin Spice Blook Transfusions
- Pumpkin Spice Yaki Sorba
- Pumpkin Spice WD-40
- Pumpkin Spice Eye Drops
- You're noticing an increase in Pumpkin-Spice scented farts
- Costco has moved on to Valentine's Day stuff
- Arizona Diamondbacks entering their 3rd month of being eliminated from the playoffs
- Neighbor setting up a giant fan to make sure all of his leaves blow into your yard
- People have started saying, "I can't wait for winter"
Laugh a little, would ya?