THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,329th Edition
Friday, October 1st, 2021
I'll probably get penalized for high-schticking
They found some 21,000-year-old footprints in White Sands National Park in New Mexico. Nearby, on a wall, there were cave drawings that they just interpreted to saying, "Oh, my God. On my nice, clean floor."
CNN anchor Chris Cuomo is being accused by his former boss of grabbing her butt in front of her husband. Remember the old days when family traditions were things like making holiday cookies, a special red plate for birthdays or going fishing on a Sunday afternoon?
Johnny Depp says no one is safe from the ‘cancel culture'. Hey, I was canceled before being canceled was cool.
I keep hearing on the radio that they're promoting the new Shake Alert app that supposedly gives you a heads up when an earthquake is about to hit. Giving you an extra 15 seconds or so to start panicking sooner.
It's the final few days of September, the first full week of fall... I guess that explains why I feel so pumpkin-spicy.
You know if the Spice Girls were still together today, they'd have to add a new member named Pumpkin Spice.
The president of South Korea is calling for an end of the practice of eating dog meat. He says that the thought of animals like his dog, Roscoe, being eaten by... ..wait. Where'd he go?
I just want to say that I'm grateful for all the wonderful people in my life except for... well, you know who you are!
The next time duty calls, do what I do---let the machine screen it. Then you can always say you never got that call.
I'll bet R. Kelly will not be granted bail. I believe he can't fly.
Ronda Rousey has given birth to a baby girl, who she gave a Hawaiian name: La'akea Makalapuaokalanipō Browne. Now, you may be thinking that kids might tease her in school about her name, but when your mom's Ronda Rousey, I don't think that's an issue.
Never before has the old schoolyard claim, "Oh yeah, well my mom can beat up your mom" been so true.
The U.S. Treasury Secretary says that the federal government will run out of money by October 18th. We're just about on the same schedule!
Drew Barrymore says she's "like a Doberman" when it comes to protecting her kids. This also explains why she's attacked several mail carriers.
Taco Bell is soon going to start accepting Dogecoin at their restaurants. Yep, not real money will soon be able to be used to buy not real food.
YouTube has now officially banned all anti-vaccination videos. Especially those annoying ones done by cats.
Amazon is introducing a bunch of new products, including a robot that would roam around your house, named Astro. Roh-oh... ..
They're available by invitation only for $999.99. Understandably, they're not even thinking about offering one to Will Smith.
Just because you can't find that roll of paper towels you swore you had in the cupboard is no reason to call in Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Up in Alaska, they've had a problem with otters attacking people and dogs. What's really concerning is that "Take Your Otter to Work Day" is only a couple of weeks away... ..
A new study says that being happy helps prevent dementia. So, clap your hands!
A pollster walked up to me the other day and asked if I agreed that society is angrier than ever before. So, I punched him. Really ticked me off.
Britney Spears could soon be free of that conservator-ship and out from under her dad. However, this is going to really take a toll on next year's Father's Day celebration.
According to the latest statistics, unemployment in the U.S. has gone up. Of course, that's including Britney's dad, so it's OK.
15% of people say they've recently given up wearing deodorant. On behalf of the 85%, I'd like to say, "Yeah, we noticed." From Facebook:
- It's almost that time of year when other women look cute in their flannel shirts. Me? I look like I've misplaced my axe.
- I'm somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.
- There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy, you pumpkin spice loving weirdos.
- I look normal, but so you know, I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
- One minute you're young and fun, and the next minute you're predicting weather with your bad hip.
- Drink Coffee-Do stupid things faster with more energy!
- SIGN ON A TRUCK: We go the extra mile because we missed the last exit.
- There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe your soul. Chilled. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And Vodka.
- To everyone that signed my high school yearbook, you'll be happy to know, after all these years, I did "Stay cool."
- My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. My dog is obviously smarter than me.
- I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out, it was the refrigerator.
- "That candle smells like Fireball." Uh, we call that Cinnamon.
- COP: What's in that bottle? LADY: Oh, just water. COP: Ma'am, that's wine in that bottle. LADY: OMG, Jesus did it again!
- Step 1-Open fridge. Nothing good to eat. Step 2-Open pantry. Nothing good there, either. Step 3-Lower standards and repeat.
- Anyone have plans to stare at their phone at some place fun this weekend?
- If you can't look back on your younger self and realize you were an idiot, you probably still are.
- Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean, I've been wearing a mask and eating candy for over a year now!
- I was put in charge of laying off the homicidal investigation team and, I have to admit it: I cut coroners.
- I understand that Brian Laundrie is hiding in a swamp. I've never been much of a Florida fan but, "Go Gators!"
- I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it a couple of times then put it back on the plate and said, "If it gives you more trouble, let me know."
- If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer it.
- I just cleaned my kitchen floor with my feet and baby wipes, while not spilling my wine. Just in case anyone needs a life coach.
- COVID spelled backwards is Divoc, as in "where in divoc is my Margarita?"
- It's been a rough week. But I didn't need bail money and there was no body count, so it could have been worse.
- Its OK to fall apart. Sometimes tacos do, and we still love them.
- Just once, I'd like to clock out from work after sliding down a dinosaur.
- To the person who stole my camouflage and flip flops-you can hide, but you can't run!
- We should change the word ‘age' to level. Then, being at Level 70 sounds so much better!
- Another fine day ruined by responsibility.
- Have you ever noticed that people won't take the time to look up important information, but they'll spend 15 minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are?
THINGS I'M REALLY GOOD AT:
- Forgetting someone's name 10-seconds after they tell me.
- Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the cooking instructions.
- Making plans. Then immediately regret making plans.
- Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer again to get the wrinkles out. Then forgetting about it again.
- Calculating just how much sleep I'll get if I fall asleep right now.
TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN CANDIES THAT WILL GET YOUR HOUSE EGGED IF YOU HAND THEM OUT
- Candy Corn Dogs
- Starwurst
- Reese's Kale Butter Cups
- Good ‘n Broccoli
- Cauliflower-flavored Skittles
TOP FIVE SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COLORS THAT DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE AT BEING NAMED COLOR OF THE YEAR
- Indigo to Hell
- Apricoterized
- Violent Violet
- Killer Forest Green
- Sheer Terror Chartreuse
TOP FIVE FACEBOOK CELEBRATIONS THAT ARE PROBABLY SCAMS TO GET YOUR INFORMATION
- National Social Security Number Day
- National Share Your Passwords Day
- National Post Your Passport Day
- National Post Your Driver's License Day
- National Where Do You Hide Your Spare House Key Day
Laugh a little, would ya?
