This Week's Wacks
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April 20th, 2007
Scientists say they have located the gene that makes us fat! They found it around 2am at the drive-through window at Wendy's.
It was wearing stretch pants and a "Sweatin' to the oldies" sweatshirt with matching gravy stain.
Basically, I'm feeling kinda nappy-headed and I'm afraid to say anything about it.
Scientists working with a flesh sample from a Tyrannosaurus Rex say that today's chicken would be their closest relative. That explains those cave drawings that said, "We do T-Rex right!"
A 22-year-old woman and her mother are suing Best Buy after they say a member of their "Geek Squad" computer repair team videotaped the daughter taking a shower. All the other members of the team were shocked and said, "Ew! Cooties!"
The east coast is getting hit with one of those "Nor'easter" storms. That's when the Nor'Easter bunny comes and dumps baskets full of rain.
John Kerry says he still may run for President in 2008. In a related story, the Oakland Raiders say they'll play another football season this fall.
The number one reason he might run again? He realized you can make a 4 into an 8 and he's got a lot of leftover t-shirts.
A scientist in Kentucky claims that the increasing underwater noises being made by man are causing fish to go deaf. And really, there's nothing sadder than a mackerel that's hard of herring. I feel so wrong.
With Tax Day upon us, I'd just like you to know that Angelina Jolie has adopted all of you and is claiming you as dependents.
O.K., the Anna Nicole thing has wrapped up, the Imus thing is over….it's time to focus on what's really important in our lives: Sanjaya must go!
Hawaiian music legend Don Ho has passed away. I've learned so much about him the past several days. For example, did you know that back in high school, his nickname was "Nappy-headed"?
What I liked about Don is that every Christmas, when Santa would say "Ho, ho, ho"…he'd always reply, "What? What? What?"
Gillian Anderson now says she was forced to stay in her role on "The X-Files" for nine years on television. I hate it when people make you be successful.
According to a new Glamour Magazine poll, 20% of women would go ahead and answer the phone while having sex. I hate when that happens. It forces me to say, "Honey, do you have to talk on the phone right now? I'm trying to watch a little TV!"
….that compares to 40% of men who are already on the phone having sex.
Hugh Hefner has contributed $2300 to Hillary Clinton's campaign. Between Hugh and her husband Bill, it sounds as though Hillary pretty much has the "horn dog" vote sewn up!
Nude photos of Kate Moss are going to be auctioned off in London next month. The top bid is expected to be the largest number of pounds ever associated with the actress.
John Travolta has said in an interview that he's "as big as Elvis". Gee, I don't know…I thought he had lost a few pounds.
The British pound has broken through the two dollar mark. Even our money is fat and has put on more pounds than ever before!
Britney Spears fired her manager last Friday. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was all his fault, too.
The president of Iran has said they will cut off the hands of anyone who attacks Iran. Just to frustrate them, we should attack them with a bunch of snakes.
A new survey shows that over half of all Americans don't use all of their vacation time every year. Hey, if you needed any help, all you had to do was ask.
Clyde Drexler and his dancing partner were sent home this week on "Dancing with the Stars". The judges realized that the only reason they looked good was because Clyde had gotten rid of his gray hair.
As far as "Dancing with the Stars" goes this week: Clyde the Glide's dancing career died.
A new study shows that 8 out of every 10 women spend way too much time filling out surveys for studies.
The Rutgers Women's Basketball coach has received a contract to write her autobiography…and, most likely, a thank you note to Don Imus.
Sanjaya was voted off "American Idol" this week. He was really wearing thin. Even William Hung was saying, "Enough already!"
Maybe it's too soon to say…but I miss Sanjaya.
Boy, the tide has really turned for Sanjaya. First, he was voted off "American Idol"…then today, Zsa Zsa's husband officially denied being his father…although, to be honest, none of us asked.
Big storm back east. Thousands are without power…but most of those are Republicans and they were that way before the storm.
John Kerry has come out and said that he feels Don Imus should not have been fired for his comment on the Rutgers basketball team. My, someone's feeling nappy-headed!
Boy, prom season brings back memories. I remember at my prom, my date got a little drunk, was carrying on, hugging and kissing guys and finally I had to yell at her, "Stop it! You're embarrassing me, mom!"
The Rolling Stones are scheduled to perform a concert in Belgrade at a racetrack. To help deal with the noise, as many as 300 horses will be drugged. To which Keith Richards replied, "No problem, just tell me how many I'm buying for!"
NBC says they're not sure "Law & Order" and "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" will be back next season. "Law & Order" shows are like bamboo: take out a couple and new ones will pop up somewhere else.
On this date in 1912, Boston's Fenway Park opened. The first pitch was thrown out by the ambassador from China, Yang Kee Suk.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR NEWSPAPER CARRIER MAY BE AN ALIEN
#5) Ask for his tips in Glelbma's
#4) Always stopping to borrow your phone so he can phone home
#3) The bicycle he's riding doesn't have wheels
#2) Last dog to attack him disintegrated
#1) Newspapers always -- ALWAYS -- lands on the porch
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim