This Week's Wacks
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April 27th, 2007
Sanjaya says he's going to hire a body guard. Hey, I've seen the body: save your money.
Just in case you're wondering, Sanjaya says he's doing much better. Oh, it wasn't from getting voted off American Idol last week that bummed him -- it was that phone call afterwards from Alec Baldwin.
At least now I know who I'm going to have call if an 11-year-old girl is ever giving me a hard time.
Presidential candidate Jon Edwards is being criticized for spending $400 each on a couple of haircuts...when Britney Spears most likely would have done it for free!
Former President Bill Clinton told Larry King that he thinks Al Gore still might run for president next year. Then again, Bill also told Larry that giggling from under his desk was just the floor settling.
The Victoria's Secret "What is Sexy?" list for 2007 is out and David Beckham has been named the World's Sexiest Dad. They have yet to contact me about finishing in second place. I'm sure it's just a formality.
Sheryl Crow is asking that people limit the amount of toilet paper they use to help the cause of global warming. She was immediately described as a "left-wing, environmentalist" by Mr. Whipple.
Gas is on it's way to $4 a gallon! It's getting so expensive….I saw Sheryl Crow and Karl Rove carpooling together.
Just a quick reminder that if you haven't paid your taxes yet….uh, you missed the deadline by a week.
You seem about as nervous and edgy as Alec Baldwin's answering service.
Toyota has passed GM for the first time in sales. A marketing expert for General Motors says it's probably due to the number of cars sold. I think we're on to something….
A really weird happened at the grocery store yesterday. I was in the toilet paper aisle and there was Sheryl Crow, squeezing a single sheet of Charmin.
Anna Nicole Smith's last movie, "Illegal Aliens", comes out on DVD on May 1st. No one is fighting over custody of this one.
Kim Basinger has hired a bodyguard for her daughter. I guess this means Alex Baldwin won't be reading "The Three Little Pigs" to her anytime soon.
A new study shows that overweight workers cost their employers more because of health costs. Of course they do. Hey, if we had a stronger copy machine, I probably wouldn't have injured myself when making those copies during the last office party. I can still barely sit down….
Hugh Grant was arrested and questioned by police after a photographer accused the actor of attacking him with a tub of baked beans. It could have been worse. Hugh could have had the baked beans hidden and said, "Hey, pull this finger!"
Chicago police have busted up a false ID ring. The weird thing: they arrested 32 different Regis Philbins.
In the new PEOPLE magazine, Sanjaya says "heterosexual"….now we just have to figure out which side he or she is on.
Larry Birkhead says he wants to change the birth certificate of Anna Nicole Smith's baby to show he is listed as the father. He'd also like to change her name to Danielle "Not Zsa Zsa's Grand-daughter" Birkhead.
Wow, I just had a scary thought: Alec Baldwin as a telemarketer.
In case you missed it, Asia-a single mom from New York-was chosen as the next Pussycat Doll. Oh, you were avoiding it on purpose. Nevermind…
So let me get this straight: this week, one person was kicked off "Heroes" but no one got the boot from "American Idol"? Have I got that right?
By the way, the "greenest" celebrity in Hollywood has been announced: it's Shrek. I think there's been some confusion in the voting.
In Louisiana, singer Willie Nelson has been found guilty of possession of marijuana. Instead of "guilty," he pleaded "obvious."
Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown has named her new daughter Angel Iris Murphy Brown, in honor of the guy she says is the father, Eddie Murphy. If she wanted to avoid a court battle, it probably would have been easier to name the boy after Zsa Zsa's husband.
Astronomers say they have found a planet very similar to earth 20 light years away. It's similar, yet they've found signs that it's early in its development. For example, there are only 13 Starbucks there.
They've given it the name "581-C," after Dolly Parton.
You'll have to excuse the odor -- I'm trying to follow Sheryl Crow's toilet paper recommendation.
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR FAIRY TALES
1. The Gingerbread Proctologist
2. The Three Little Tarantulas
3. Snow White and the Seven Tech Support Phone Representatives
4. The Princess and the Pee
5. Beauty and the Bistro
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim