This Week's Wacks
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May 4th, 2007
Happy birthday to Victoria, the new light in my life. I will never have to buy light bulbs again.
And every year on this date, I have to say it: May the 4th be with you.
The first Democratic Presidential Debate was held the other night. The theme for the evening: "Let he or she who has not had a $400 haircut cast the first stone."
A sportswriter named Mike Penner at the L.A. Times is taking a two-week vacation and then returning to his job as Christine Daniels. This is why I always double check with my travel agent. All it would take is one innocent mix-up.
When Nola Ochs graduates from college in a few weeks, she'll enter the Guinness book of world records... as the world's oldest college graduate. She's 95-years-old! But the bottom-line: she finally graduated. I'll bet both of her parents are so... dead.
They're filming a movie version of "The Anna Nicole Smith Story." Actress/singer Wila Ford got the part... or, I mean, had the parts.
Snoop Dogg isn't being allowed in Australia because of his criminal record. Hello? Isn't this the country that was founded by felons?
John Edwards says he'd like to tell voters, "I remember where I came from." Of course, I can't but help but add, "I just don't get a haircut there!"
After being off the air in Israel for years, "Sesame Street" has returned to television. Of course, it's slightly different from our version. For example, the guy on the show with the bad attitude---in their version, he's called "Oscar the Schmuck!"
Those car-theft charges against Daniel Baldwin have been dropped, proving his agent right: he CAN'T get arrested!
Kentucky Fried Chicken and Taco Bell say they have both made the switch to non-trans-fat cooking oils. So eating at either of those restaurants is now almost a workout. Almost…
Just so you know, they're going to launch a Ski cable channel early next year and call it, "The Ski Channel". I wonder who thought up the name?
There's a new service available for seniors so when they fall and can't get up, they call a phone number and Alec Baldwin yells at them until they do get up.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck from "The View" is pregnant again. When asked if she hoped it was a girl or a boy, Elisabeth said, "I don't care either way, just as long as it gets a word in edge-wise around here."
"Sesame Street" has returned to Israeli television after being off for a few years. Today's episode was sponsored by the letter K, for "kvetch".
Britney Spears was pulled over for speeding the other night, but didn't get a ticket; just a warning. That seems to be a theme of her life, doesn't it?
In India, the groom showed up to the wedding so drunk that the bride married the groom's sober brother instead. The groom's last name was Singh which, loosely translated, means Kennedy.
The elusive Reggie the Alligator has been spotted again in Los Angeles, after disappearing for a year and a half. It turns out he was hiding in a Saturday night sitcom on NBC. No one knew he was there.
One of the Muppets is having trouble. Miss Piggy has apparently gone into hiding after Alec Baldwin called her up, yelling at her and calling her a "selfish little pig".
A love expert in London says that couples who have sex on the first date have a better shot at a long-term, loving relationship. You know what that sounds like to me? It sounds like the expert has a first-date coming up this weekend.
Neve Campbell and her British boyfriend are said to be planning a secret wedding this coming weekend. Not much of a secret, if you ask me.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger attended the first Republican presidential debate at the Reagan library. All of the candidates will be debating if Arnold is really a Republican.
Boy George was arrested on charges of "false imprisonment and common assault" before being released on bail. To no one's surprise, it was the guys in his prison cell that posted bail for him.
Once again, Los Angeles tops the American Lung Association's list of the most polluted cities in America. The mayor of LA will accept the award and then hang it somewhere in the sky.
Britney Spears got up and performed at San Diego's House of Blues Tuesday night for around 15 minutes….which, of course, is all it takes to find out how much money you can save on your car insurance by switching to Geico.
In India, the boss of a dairy farm beheaded one of his workers because the guy wasn't milking cows. You know, the guy STILL isn't milking any cows.
John Ratzenberger was voted off "Dancing with the Stars" this week. What makes matters worse: now he has to go and face the gang back at the bar.
Tobey Maguire got a little upset with a fan over in London. Apparently the man came at Tobey with a Kleenex, chased him into a corner and tried to squish him.
This week on "American Idol", they eliminated two. Meanwhile, in the NBA playoffs, they eliminated FIVE: The Los Angeles Lakers.
According to a new study, health care providers in this country make a mistake with ten out of every one patients. Whoops, there's another one.
"Spiderman 3" is in theaters. This time around, Spidey wears black because he's going through a Simon Cowell phase.
Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown says she'll take Eddie Murphy to court to prove that her baby belongs to him. Eddie says, "She's Scary" and everyone said, "Yeah...and?"
Steve Jobs says they're going to start making Apple computers "greener". Yes, there's a "Green apple" joke in there somewhere, but it's too easy.
Apple's first at saving energy costs is that they're going to limit "PC Guy" to showers every other day.
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE RAP NAMES
1. LL Bean Dip
2. Lil' Overweight
3. Notorious KFC
4. Sanjaya
5. Don E. Osmond
I'm on a "Worst" tear!
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE NAMES FOR A CELEBRITY FRAGRANCE
1. "Was that the dog?"
2. "Unscented"
3. "Hayfever"
4. "Bean Dip"
5. "Incontinence"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim