This Week's Wacks
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May 11th, 2007
The Republicans held a presidential debate last Thursday. There were 10 candidates in all, representing the full spectrum of white people---tanned, pale, blotchy.....
The rumor is that Microsoft wants to buy Yahoo. The company was named after what the founder said when he thought of the idea. Microsoft plans to rename it what the owner said when they offered to buy it: "No SH%^T".
And frankly, couldn't we all use a little more Yahoo in our lives?
Here's something new: it's called the "Pink or Blue Early Test Kit". It lets you know if it's a boy or a girl at SIX WEEKS into the pregnancy. Isn't that great? Just in time for prom season!
Prosecutors have recommended that Paris Hilton spend 45 days in jail for violating her probation. What did Paris have to say? "That's not hot!"
Donald Trump is now selling steaks. No kidding, you can now order Donald Trump steaks. I guess he actually walks out to the barn, looks the cow in the eye and says, "You're fired AND you're Porterhouse!"
The big movie, of course, "Spiderman 3"….in which Spiderman goes to his dark side, starts wearing all black and criticizing singers ruthlessly on a TV show.
The average price of gasoline is now over $3 a gallon. The oil industry says the increase is due to, uh, the "Gilmore Girls" being canceled. Why not? As you know, there isn't anything we can do about it.
Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her drivers' license suspension..twice. Already, you're hearing complaints about "cruel and unusual punishment"----and those are just her cell mates!
Family members are already planning to sneak in some Crème Brulée with a file in it….and, of course, a servant to do the actual breaking out.
An amazing weekend for "Spiderman 3"---the movie actually made more money this weekend than the oil companies. Now THAT'S amazing!!
According to a new survey, the most "green" celebrity in Hollywood these days is Shrek. I think there might have been some confusion on the questionnaire..
If you're just now waking up and the last thing you remember is "Cinco de Mayo"….I have some bad news.
President Bush's approval ratings are at an all-time low. Gasoline prices are at an all-time high. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Pete Doherty was arrested again over the weekend on drug possession charges. To be completely honest, I cut-&-paste this story from the last time I wrote it.
Pamela Anderson says that an adoption isn't out of the question in the near future. I had no idea. I'm going to start on the paperwork right away and yes, I'll let her keep her name.
According to a new survey from the University of Washington, 40% of infants watch at least a half-hour of television every day. Of those, only 2% watch NBC.
Vice-President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. It was like one of those Publishers Clearinghouse visits…except nobody wins.
"Extreme Makeover" host Ty Pennington was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunk driving. The officer that pulled him over said he got suspicious something was wrong when Ty's hair was combed.
Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of King Herod, from the Bible. If you remember, that was the guy who the Wise Men went out of their way to avoid. So, Herod was basically the George Bush of his time.
Astronomers say they witnessed an "exploding star" through their telescopes on Monday. They say they haven't seen a star explode like that since Alec Baldwin called home a couple of weeks ago.
Queen Elizabeth the 2nd stopped by the White House during her visit to the U.S.. That gave President Bush the opportunity to say how much he enjoyed her in that Naked Gun movie.
Paris Hilton is asking Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her. Arnold asked her something back, but we couldn't understand what he said.
I guess the good news about Ty Pennington's arrest: he'll have time to makeover Paris Hilton's cell before she moves in.
Former President Bill Clinton has designed a crossword puzzle for the New York Times. For those of you working on it at home, the answers for the down column are: Meet……me…….at…..the….Starbucks……on….fifth……and….Broadway…….at……two…o'clock.
Eva Longoria says she has imposed a 'no-sex' policy until she and Tony Parker get married in July. I wonder if the rule also applies to him.
Tony Blair has announced that he's stepping down as Prime Minister and will turn in his resignation on June 27th. Well there goes the surprise!
Guess who's coming out with a perfume this fall called, "Simply Christina Aguilera"? You only get two guesses.
"Spiderman 3" made $382-million all over the world last weekend. Surprisingly, none of that was on the web.
Former President Bill Clinton is going on the campaign trail on behalf of his wife. It's part of his "No behind left behind" program.
Archaeologists in Greece say they've found a 2700-year-old piece of cloth. They say it'll take more research, but that it may be an actual t-shirt from one of the Rolling Stones' first tours.
TOP FIVE SIGNS MOM HATES HER MOTHER'S DAY GIFT
#5) At the moment, she's burning it on the front lawn
#4) She's on the phone and using the phrase "cut out of the will"
#3) She says she's never wanted one just like this
#2) When did mom start packin' heat?
#1) She asks for the receipt and the name of the clerk that sold it to you
TOP FIVE THINGS MOM REALLY WANTS FOR MOTHER'S DAY
#5) To rest five minutes after making breakfast before she mows the lawn
#4) To be treated like this every day of the year (that's funny)
#3) To stop giving her finger paintings every year. For God's sake, you're 43!
#2) A Taylor Hicks hickie!
#1) Antonio Banderas
NO JOKING: this is true! Basically, I'm bragging about my home town.
Bothell's Blake Lewis has made the final three on "American Idol" and that means today, Blake and the Idol cameras are coming to town! Here's the official release put out by my buddy Joyce at the city:
American Idol Shoot in Bothell this Friday, May 11
For all you Blaker Girls, Boys & Kids that watch American Idol, you probably know that Bothell's Blake Lewis is in the Top 3. American Idol will shoot a hometown visit this Friday, May 11 in Bothell!
The plan is to have a Main Street parade at 3:30pm, followed by a special program and performance at the Park at Bothell Landing at 4pm. Join the fun this Friday! The City of Bothell has already received national exposure with Blake thus far, and is excited to share the community spirit with the world!
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim