This Week's Wacks

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May 18th, 2007

I'm back in Boston this weekend for my son's graduation from BU.  Congrats Ty!  Of course, I'll offer those same words my father said to me when I graduated from college.  I'll never forget them.  He looked at me with a new found hope in his eyes and said, "Get a job!"

A new survey says that Britney Spears is the most over-exposed celebrity in the world... even if you don't include pictures of her getting out of a limo.

A man is accusing the boy band 'N Sync of plagiarizing one of his songs. May I be the first to say, "Hey, quick reactions there, pal!"

New statistics say that the U.S. divorce rate is at its lowest level since 1970, when officials first started tracking Larry King.

Paris Hilton might end up serving only half of her prison sentence, because she's a first-time offender and the over-crowded prisons. Paris has always been a fan of short sentences: "That's hot!", "Whatever!", etc.

Just so you know, Paris will have to put up with all the regular hardships of prison: the rough, chaffing towels... tepid lobster bisque.

A fight broke out the other night at the Boston Symphony. Apparently an argument between two patrons escalated after they exchanged a few C-sharp words.

Lindsay Lohan says she took "stripper lessons" for her next movie. Gee, I never would have imagined... (laugh) Who am I kidding?

You know Jared Fogel as "the Subway guy"... but a web site claims that back in his college days at Indiana University, Jared ran a porn video rental biz out of his bedroom. Back then, "Subway Sandwich" had an entirely different meaning.

Sting's wife, Trudie, is really upset that she was recently portrayed in a wrongful firing suit as a "monstrous tyrant." In fact, she was so mad, she stormed through the downtown area, destroying buildings and flipping over cars.

"Spider-Man 3" made $622-million over the weekend, world-wide. The producers now have so much money, they're actually filling up their cars at the gas station. No, really... all the way to the top!

Sheryl Crow has adopted a two week old baby boy that she named Wyatt Steven. For a baby gift, I'm going to give her two year's worth of toilet paper: that's right -- one roll! Lemme know how that works, Sheryl.

Scientists say they have discovered a star that is almost as old as the universe... and only three years older than Mike Wallace. (or, if you prefer, Keith Richards)

The big controversy in Milan, Italy, these days is a giant 70-foot floating statue of a naked man. The artist says the biggest challenges with the artwork is maintaining the proper balance of helium and keeping George Michael off of it.

I think something's wrong with my mom. She hasn't even touched that oil change kit I got her for Mother's Day.

A busy day for Spider-Man... although he spent most of the time shooting webs and pulling letters back out of mailboxes, so people could stick on a 2-cent stamp. He hates postal rate increases.

John Lattimer, a world-renowned urologist, has pissed away. I'm sorry, that should be "passed away."

A new survey claims that Miami drivers have the worst road rage. I'm guessing it's because of those cars that are always in front of them, driving slowly with the blinker on.

NBC's new fall line-up is out... and "The Apprentice" is missing from the schedule. It's not official yet, but it looks like Donald Trump has been fired. His toupee has already gotten a new job in an off-Broadway production of "Hair."

The Tony nominations are out. If you care, you've just confirmed everyone's suspicions.

Sylvester Stallone has pled guilty to importing a banned substance into Australia, but he's still denying any involvement with "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!"

That arrest warrant for Richard Gere has been suspended. I thought "Shall we dance?" was bad... but an arrest seems a little too much.

The arrest warrant was actually issued over in India for an improper public kissing incident. Gere was just caught up in the emotion when the guy from tech support got his PC working again.

President Bush has named Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute as his new "War Czar".  He got the job by being the big winner in a White House contest, "Dancing with the Czars".

Sources say that North Korea now has a functioning long-range nuclear missile.  All of us in Seattle aren't worried-we've got a call in to Jack Bauer.

An environmental group says that we now have only five years left to save the earth.  I just financed a new car for six years, so that means I'll save a whole year in car payments.

Denise Richards and Richie Sambora have split up.  Richie's the one driving around the car with the bumpersticker that says, "Charlie Sheen was right!"

The Geico Cavemen are getting their own television show.  See, it's what I've always said:  "Comedy is so easy, even a caveman can do it!"

Bill & Hillary Clinton have bought some beach property down in the Dominican Republic.  That way, when they retire, Hillary can relax and write her memoirs and Bill can finally have his dream job:  being a chief bikini inspector.


#5)  "Won't you come home, Bill Clinton?"
#4)  "Before he cheats"
#3)  "Chances are"
#2)  "What goes around comes around"
#1) "Take a chance on me"