This Week's Wacks

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May 25th, 2007

Hey, we're exactly 7 months away from Christmas!

Quick history note: on this date in 1927, Ford stopped producing the Model T and began making the Model A.  There were those who wanted Ford to continue making both.  Ford declined, saying he wasn't a T&A man.

Paris Hilton is preparing for her jail time. Over the weekend, she rented the first season of "Prison Break."

It's that time again for finales: "Desperate Housewives," "24," Tony Blair...

38 million people will take to the roads on Memorial Day Weekend. 28 million will almost be hit by Ty Pennington.

Memorial Day Weekend is days away... when it suddenly dawns on us: "Oh, crap, the boat runs on gas, too!"

George Michael says he may give up living in Britain because everyone keeps interfering with his private life. Hey George, if you kept your private life out of public parks, there wouldn't be a problem!

Al Gore says that everywhere he goes, people beg him to run for the presidency. Of course, most of those are Republicans.

This weekend is the three-day Memorial Day Weekend... or, as Paris Hilton calls it, "Saturday, Sunday & Monday."

38 million Americans will be driving somewhere this Memorial Day Weekend, in spite of record-high gas prices. An oil company spokesperson said you have obeyed well.

Because of high gas prices, this weekend's big race is now the "Indy 5-blocker."

Former President Carter has called George Bush the worst president ever. At least, among those who don't remember 16% mortgage rates.

Porn star Jenna Jameson has endorsed Hillary Clinton for uh, something, uh... sorry, I got distracted.

Britney Spears is now showing up, doing mini-shows in Florida. When asked at her last show if she was having fun again, Britney replied, "Absolutely, I... oh, crap, where did I leave those kids again?"

Paula Abdul fell over the weekend and broke her nose. The first thing she said when she got up was  whatever Randy just said a moment ago.

Apparently Paula fell trying to avoid tripping over her Chihuahua. Hey, who among us has not blamed the dog?

Simon called Paula's fall "amateurish" and "more Cabaret-style than what he was looking for."

A West Virginia man woke up, found blood on his head and found out later he had been shot while he was sleeping. The really weird part: he had been dreaming that he had just met Dick Cheney.

Massachusetts is considering a new law that would ban discrimination of short and overweight people. The law has been endorsed by 100% of the Lollipop Guild.

Hoping to drum up more viewers, the next Democratic Presidential Debate will be called "Dancing around the issues with the stars."

Doctors are now saying that Viagra might be helpful when it comes to jet lag. And you thought the skies were friendly now...

The next time the flight attendant says to return to the original upright and locked position, you'll already be there!

Never before has legroom been more important.

...and you thought that little kid kicking the back of your seat was annoying.

A British movie director says that Mick Jagger once tried to enlarge his penis by using a Peruvian practice of having bees sting it. I guess that explains why he "can't get no..."

Tom Arnold and his wife of four years have separated. Man, who could have ever seen that coming?

Wednesday night was the big "Lost" finale`... but enough about Blake Lewis.

Olympic gold medalist Apolo Anton Ohno was the celebrity with the best moves on 'Dancing with the Stars." For him, it was pretty much a skate.

I love this time of year: when TV shows have their season finales. Suddenly I have all this spare time... and all those people who don't watch too much TV don't get a darn thing.

In New Jersey, a 60-year-old woman became the mother of twins this week.  Amazingly, the twin boys have already said their first two words:  "Bottle, please!"

Big shocker in the world of baseball today:  Barry Bonds' steroids tested positive for blood!

The winner of this year's National Geographic Bee is a teenager from Redmond, Washington.  If you don't know where that is, it's a good thing you didn't enter.

Big story from "The View": Joy and Barbara quit talking long enough to discover Rosie and Elisabeth were fighting.

Of course, the big news there:  not that Rosie and Elisabeth were fighting-but the fact Joy and Barbara quit talking!

Jordin Sparks went out and celebrated being the new American Idol.  Simon Cowell hung out with her for a while, but of course, had to be back in his coffin before sunrise.

It's "National Seatbelt Week," and President Bush was caught on camera on his Texas ranch driving without a seatbelt. Now I'm worried: next week is "National Pants Week".


#5) Washington, A.C.
#4) Mount Rush-less
#3) Mississississississississippi
#2) Old York
#1) West Dakota