This Week's Wacks

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June 1st, 2007

While at a White House press event last week, a bird dropped a small load on President Bush. The sparrow was detained and questioned by the Secret Service, then released.

The disturbing part was that Senator Ted Kennedy tried the same thing, but completely missed .

A man in England has set a new world record by staying awake for 11 consecutive days. Although, in all fairness, all 11 of those days, not one episode of "According to Jim" was on the air.

Congress has approved a $2.10 increase to the minimum wage. What's that figure out to? Like, a half a gallon of gas per hour?

Gas prices continue to go up. Today, Unocal announced that they're changing their name to U-no-can-afford.

I remember how I used to look forward to only working four days. Now I get thrilled by the fact I'll only have to buy gas for four days.

Heather Mills has announced she's gone vegan. And there's today's winner of our "Who gives a flying fig?" award.

A new survey shows that 12% of the British don't brush their teeth daily. I had no idea the number was so low.

Rosie O'Donnell says she may never speak to Elisabeth Hasselback again. So, I'm just curious: where does one sign up?

I saw "Pirates of the Caribbean 3" last weekend. On the way out of the theater, I heard a voice saying, "Dead critics tell no tales"...

And now back to our movie, "Lindsay Lohan: At World's End."

Jerry Buss, the 74-year-old owner of the Los Angeles Lakers was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving this week. For the record, his blood/alcohol level was within the three-point range.

Hey, if you owned the Lakers, you'd drink a lot, too!

Lindsay Lohan checked herself into the Promises rehabilitation center in Malibu on Monday. After all, they did such a great job for Britney.

When Britney heard the news, she immediately held a press conference and started yelling, "No! Look at me! Look at me!"

Man, I'm dropping the pounds. I'm on the "Lindsay Lohan Diet".  It's pretty easy: I just stop eating  whenever she checks into rehab.

Me? Oh, I'm just waiting for Paris Hilton to go behind bars so I can feel safe again.

Someone stole a gold bathtub from a hotel in Japan worth $1-million. Police describe the suspect as "clean and dangerous."

The National Spelling Bee is underway in our nation's capitol. I was never very good at spelling. That's probably why I never made the trip back to Washington, A.C.

A new study shows that Americans spend $40-billion a year on their pets. My dog's personal trainer feels that's an exaggeration.

Lindsay Lohan's dad claims that the actress is hooked on alcohol and OxyCotin.  That's all?

When Lindsay heard about the allegations, she quickly denied it, saying, "There's no way I…..oh, wow, look at the leaves on that tree!"

Father's Day is two weeks from Sunday.  That means you have 15 days to keep forgetting that its coming up.

Spain is now claiming that the huge treasure of gold coins found near their shores actually belongs to them.  Oh, and Zsa Zsa's husband also wants in on the action…..

South Korea says they plan to send astronauts into space by the year 2017.  Imagine the excitement of those astronauts as they board "KIA-1"….

One of the top ten spammers in the world has been arrested.  Good.  Now maybe I can finally get that shipment of Viagra I ordered.

Northwest Airlines has emerged out of bankruptcy. To celebrate, this weekend all passengers will receive two extra peanuts.


#5) Your tires are made of newspapers
#4) Car thief breaks into car and changes mind
#3) You're getting really tired of pushing it to work
#2) Using duct tape as door locks
#1) Kelly Blue Book lists your trade in value as "a six pack"