This Week's Wacks

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June 8th, 2007

Jennifer Aniston was seen in the company of an unidentified man. To be honest, I just didn't want the publicity.

Remember, a good pirate knows how to protect his booty. Rrrrrrr...

"Dr. Death," Jack Kevorkian, got out of prison on Friday. He was locked up because he helped people with "express checkout" but didn't work in a hotel.

A new Dutch TV show debuted on Friday, called "The Big Donor Show"... which featured three people who needed a kidney transplant and a woman willing to donate one. They spent the show with her talking to the contestants, deciding which one will get one of her kidneys. Okay, we've found the limit!

Can "Transplanting with the Stars" be far behind?

According to a new survey, over half of all fathers feel they have never received a good gift for father's day. These guys obviously have no appreciation for macaroni art.

Three months after giving birth to twins, "Desperate Housewife" Marcia Cross says she's almost lost all of her baby weight. O.K., everybody... group loathe!

A man in Poland woke up after being in a coma for 19 years. The even better news: he's never seen one episode of "The View."

Of course, the difference between this guy and President Bush? This guy woke up.

Pope Benedict XVI announced four new saints on Sunday. The four celebrated by marching in.

President Bush is off to Europe to attend the G-8 conference... or as he pronounces it, "Gate!"

Now, don't go thinking that Paris Hilton has it easy in prison. I understand, from a good source, that the masseuse actually has very dry, chapped hands.

Then there's the new Paris Hilton TV show, "The Simple 10-Years-to-Life."

When you think about it, Paris Hilton is still hitting the bars every night; it's just now she's doing it with a water cup.

For Angelina Jolie's 33rd birthday on Monday, husband Brad Pitt arranged a children's choir to sing "Happy Birthday" to her. She was so moved, she adopted the entire choir.

Scooter Libby, who remained silent throughout his entire trial, finally spoke at this sentencing on Tuesday. It was just one question: "Does Paris Hilton have a cellmate?"

Hillary Clinton says it was her faith that got her through her marital woes. Bill Clinton says, at times, he has also turned to Faith... he just can't remember her last name.

Sacha Baron Cohen and his longtime girlfriend, Australian actress Isla Fisher, are expecting a baby this winter. Very nice.

According to the latest poll, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are in a dead heat. Al Gore says the heat was caused by global warming.

Former White House aide Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison and has changed his name to "Highly Contagious."

For those who didn't hear about the name change, he's also posted a sign on his cell that says, "Stay off the Scooter."

"Law & Order" star Fred Thompson is going to run for president and already has a web site: "I'm with Fred dot com." Democrats have launched a counter site, "But where's Barney dot com?"

Madame Tussauds' Wax Museum in New York is now featuring a wax figure of Paris Hilton dressed in prison clothes. You could put it next to the real Paris and not be able to tell the difference. But, of course, the wax version is the smart one.

Paris Hilton will get a million dollars to share her prison diaries and another million-plus for an exclusive post-jail interview.  That figures out to around $100,000 for each day of her stay.  Well, I guess we showed her!

The drought in Los Angeles is getting worse.  Residents are being told to take shorter showers and Lindsay Lohan has been asked to stop using ice in her drinks.

Paris Hilton was released from jail Thursday and will serve the remaining 40 days and nights of her sentence at home.   During that time, Paris says she plans to build an ark.

Actually, Paris is being punished quite severely.  She's being forced to stay at home for 40 days and wear an ankle bracelet..from Target!


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