This Week's Wacks

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June 15th, 2007

President Bush had to leave the G-8 summit early on Friday because of an upset stomach. As he walked out, all the other world leaders sang together, "Tum...Tum-Tum...Tum.   Tum...Tum-Tum-Tum... Tummmmmm!"

He had actually hoped to leave the meeting even earlier, but he just has a hard time with exit strategies.

George Michael has avoided jail time for a recent DUI conviction. Because of that effort, he's going to be made an honorary American celebrity.

Remember to say "he's not going to do any jail time," rather than "George Michael got off." Two completely different things.

Isaiah Washington has been dropped from the cast of "Grey's Anatomy." How gay is that?

Pamela Low, the woman who invented the flavor of Captain Crunch cereal, has passed away at age 79. Her funeral was last week. A simple, open boxtop ceremony.

Got a friend who's been playing a lot of tennis with his Nintendo Wii. In fact, too much. He's developed a Wii knee.  Thanks for the line, Bill.

The good news: the price of oil has gone down $2 a barrel. The bad news; the price of barrels has gone up $2. So, basically, it was a wash.

Over 6400 folks set the world record for the most number of people kissing simultaneously. This just shortly after setting the world record for the most number of people having an argument and then deciding to make up at the same time.

San Antonio has taken a 3-0 lead in the NBA Championships over the Cleveland Cavaliers. In Cleveland's defense, San Antonio is playing five against one.

Barbara Walters has landed an interview with Paris Hilton in jail. Now we can finally find out...uh, wait: What don't we already know?

The military is testing out a new armored vehicle that can stand just about kind of attack. If it passes the latest tests, they're going to toss the keys to Billy Joel and see what it can really handle.

Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that God is giving her a second chance. Barbara said that was good to know, since she had an interview with God on Thursday.

Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she's not getting any preferential treatment in prison. Her caviar is just as tepid as the caviar all the other inmates get.

Paris Hilton says having her put in prison was "an inside job." If that's true, it marks the first time the word "job" has ever been associated with Paris.

Over in Hawaii, Burger King has added Spam to their menu... for breakfast. Be still my beating heart. And, if you have enough Spam, it will be.

Gas prices have fallen for the third week in a row... which, of course, inspires the question: "Okay, now what are they up to?"

American astronauts had to do a space walk to make repairs to the Space Shuttle, after it was damaged during takeoff last week. Of course, the #1 question on all of the astronauts' minds: "I wonder if Japan makes a space shuttle?"

A reminder that this Sunday is Father's Day... that day we honor dad every year if and when he ever comes out of the bathroom.

A reminder that this Sunday morning is Father's Day... which means you only have until Sunday afternoon to remember and get him a card.

The San Antonio Spurs are having a great week. Not to mention, Tuesday night, Tony Parker got a triple-double... with Eva Longoria.

We're coming up on the toughest part of the year for NBA players: the off-season, when they have to choose which family and kids to spend the summer with.

The talent agency that was representing Paris Hilton has dropped her. Not because of Paris being in prison. They just suddenly realized, "Hey, wait a minute! She doesn't have any talent!"

According to a new poll, the race for the Republican presidential nomination between Rudy Giuiliani and Fred Thompson is running saggy-neck in saggy neck.

Barry Bonds is closing in on the record and is now just 8 injections away from the old steroid record set by Jason Giambi.

You know what really ticks me off?  People who act like 1983 was such a long time ago.

President Bush's approval rating has hit yet another all-time low, now just 29%.  And that's just among family members!

Archaeologists have found the remains of a prehistoric bird that was 16-feet tall, with a wingspan of 26 feet.  Imagine what that thing could put through your windshield.

Steven Spielberg has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president.  Of course, he also thought "1941" seemed like a good idea for a movie.

A statistician says that New York City is the safest city in the world.  He made the announcement while being held at knife point.

I went to Vancouver, B.C. this week on a business day trip, which inspired this list--


   1. "We're just minutes from diplomatic immunity!"
   2. "Could you hurry, please? Jack Bauer's right behind us!"
   3. "You're not going to look in the trunk, are you?"
   4. "Are those drug-sniffing dogs?"
   5. "You know, it's amazing what you can stuff in your body when you really put your mind to it!"