This Week's Wacks

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June 29th, 2007

Angelina Jolie said in an interview that she feels the entire world is her family. At the rate she's adopting kids, it won't be long until that's actually true!
The line for "kissing cousins" goes around the block.

Last Friday was "Take your dog to work" day. Coincidentally, the following Monday was "Beg your co-worker not to sue you for the dog attack" day.

Paris Hilton was released from prison on Tuesday. You know that "Free Paris Hilton" rally you were planning for Wednesday? You've now got the day off.

By the way, last weekend was the weekend we turned Paris Hilton's 45-day jail sentence back 22 days.

NBC has allegedly agreed to pay $1-million for Paris Hilton's first post-prison interview (they deny this). Paris' parents say they won't keep the money, but instead will donate it to the millions of underprivileged kids waiting in lines to get into the hot clubs because they don't have privileges.

According to Melanie Brown, the results of the DNA test are in... and Eddie Murphy IS the father of her baby. Dang, missed Father's Day by just a couple of weeks.

Paris Hilton will be released from prison Tuesday. But just because she's out doesn't mean she won't be haunted by lots of attention and TV interviews for the rest of her life.

In an interview from prison, Paris Hilton told Ryan Seacrest he sounded far away. Ryan told her to turn the phone around the other way. Problem solved.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a high school student did not have a constitutional right to hang up a "Bong hits for Jesus" sign at his school. Thank God we've gotten the stem cell, death penalty and other subjects out of the way so we could get to the important issues.

You'll soon be able to buy a Kurt Cobain doll. Drug paraphernalia, paramedics and ambulance sold separately.

A DNA test proves that Eddie Murphy IS the father of Scary Spice's baby. We're figuring out a gentle way to break it to Zsa Zsa's husband.

Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night on CNN. Every comedy writer around the country was tuned in.

The most amazing thing happened when Paris Hilton was freed from prison: the Statue of Liberty gagged herself with her torch!

Some of Paris Hilton's trash is up for sale on E-Bay. I'll make you an even better deal on mine, but only until pickup day tomorrow.

Nicole Kidman is the new spokesperson for Nintendo's mind-training exercises. I'd try some of those exercises, but I'm still nursing an old crossword puzzle injury.

Isaiah Washington could be heading to NBC for his next job. The two questions Isaiah has: "Does the network have the right show for him and are Will & Grace really gone? I mean, for good?"

US Weekly has banned Paris Hilton from any mention in this week's edition because the American public has seen and heard enough. So since when has that stopped us from wanting more?

Britney Spears has filed a restraining order against her mother... around 20 years too late.

President Bush told a British reporter that "I wish I was a better speaker." But he also knows, if he took the time to practice, he could get betterest.

An expedition will wander into Michigan's upper peninsula next month, searching for any clues of Bigfoot. Wouldn't it be a ticker if they found the spot where he lives... but it's the week he's on vacation?

After ten years as British Prime Minister, Tony Blair has stepped down... and with Rosie out of the way, has his eye on that cushy "Price is Right" job.

Tony Blair IS leaving after ten years as British Prime Minister... but he has announced he is NOT declaring himself eligible in the NBA draft.

President Bush said for Tony Blair being a Prime Minister, he never really saw him go to a prime church very much.

Takeru Kobayashi of Japan, the six-time champion of the annual Fourth of July hot dog eating contest, may be sidelined for next week's event because of an arthritic jaw. Just another reminder that in life and in any competition, there are always wieners and losers.

Pamela Anderson says she wants to take up the Finnish language because that's what her grandfather spoke.  I'm sure if her grandfather were alive today, he'd be so proud of her.  Well, for the language part, anyway.

Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night and told Larry that she's a changed person.  From now on, no more partying all the time---she's going to pour herself into…uh…her non-working.

Speaking of which, they say Paris Hilton's sister, Nicky, cut her vacation short in order to come home and see Paris sooner.   My question:  vacation from what?

Apple's new I-Phone goes on sale today.  Finally, a chance to own something that costs $599 and that goes off in a theater in the middle of a movie.  I've waited all my life…..

A new study shows that people who exercise, eat all the right things and get plenty of sleep are really pissing me off.

Summer is here.  I was driving through Bellevue and saw a couple of kids selling lemonade stand franchises.

ABC has renewed "According to Jim".  I'm thinking it's just to make NBC feel like they have a chance.

Carlos Santana celebrates his 60th birthday today. There's a guy who has really changed his tune:  these days, it's "Gray Magic Woman."


   1. Stop and smell the rare, imported $600 Peruvian Private Nursery Roses
   2. Never take her family for granted until after noon
   3. To be honest, she's got this great idea for a new home movie
   4. Buy Nicole Richie a friendship ring that she can wear around her waist
   5. Hire someone to truly appreciate all that she has