This Week's Wacks

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July 6th, 2007

President Bush turns 61 today.  That explains what the pony was doing at the White House.

Daniel Craig says he may only play James Bond one more time before giving up the role. Hey Daniel: "Never say may only."

George Michael says he's going to write a book about his arrests and drug use. Hey George, got a title for you: "TMI."

A company in Virginia is offering flights to the moon for $100-million. Yeah, a bit pricey, but just think of the frequent flyer miles you'd get!

I'd be afraid to fly to the moon. Not so much for the safety concerns... I'm just afraid my luggage would end up on Mercury.

Barbra Streisand performed her first-ever concert in France last week and was presented the Legion of Honor award by the country's president, who said, "You are the America we love." Well, to be completely honest, the sentence actually translated: "Of all the Americans, we hate you the least."

Barbra told the president she was quite impressed by the big tower in Paris. In Bab's words: "It was an Eiffel."

Eve has pleaded "no contest" to drunk driving charges. That means, if you were having a drinking contest with her that night, she would have been the clear winner, no contest.

Rod Stewart's 27-year-old daughter has been seen out lately in the company of...Tommy Lee. Isn't there some kind of courtesy among old rock musicians not to date each other's daughters? Apparently not.

President Bush welcomed Vladimir Putin to the Bush family compound in Maine for a quick visit. The Russian president arrived Sunday night and left Monday, but not before enjoying a special breakfast made especially for him; that included scrambled eggs, pancakes and even some Putin Tang.

Jessica Simpson isn't a big fan of the new I-Phone. "I mean, what fun can it be to dial phone numbers with your eye?"

James Earl Jones is reading the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia on Tuesday. In Washington, DC, Bill O' Reilly will read the Bill of Rights... not to be confused with his nickname, "Bill of Far Rights."

California has just made it through their driest year in the last 130 years. It's so dry in California, residents are being urged:
    * to just chew tea bags.
    * if you feel a sneeze coming on, please sneeze into a cup.
    * to place a brick in their water bottle.

Britney Spears' estranged husband, Kevin Federline, is writing a book. It's going to be called, "If I did... anything!"

Seattle's Woodland Park Zoo reports the death of their elephant Hansa last week was due to a rare form of elephant herpes. Wow..Paris Hilton isn't even out of jail for a week!

Natalie Portman has named a baby gorilla in Rwanda. The one she named is called 'Ahazaza'. It was between that and 'Zach Braff'.

Archaeologists in Spain have discovered a human tooth that is estimated to be somewhere around 1.2 million years old. Jack Nicholson has offered to come and take care of it, saying, "You can't handle the tooth!"

President Bush commuted the sentence of Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, Scooter Libby, who now won't have to serve any prison time. The president wanted to prove everyone wrong: you know, the ones who said, "He couldn't get any more unpopular!"

In other words, Bush has allowed Scooter to scoot!

A new survey says one in every three Americans will abuse alcohol in their lifetime, which two out of every three Americans are lying.

A new Australian survey shows that money can not buy happiness. Those who always felt that way are very happy about the results. But if that's the case, and the study was paid for with money, I think we're right back where we started.

By the way, since the 4th of July, my skin has lowered the sunburn level down from "severe" to "critical".

According to the latest batch of statistics, flight delays are getting worse.  Now, over 25% of American airline flights are behind schedule.  We would have had those statistics for you earlier, but they were flown in.

Britney Spears has attacked her mom with a poem.  The problem began with Britney's recent visit to Nantucket.

Al Gore the 3rd  was arrested after going 100 mph in his Prius on an L.A. freeway. Police said that inside the car they found marijuana, Valium, Xanax, Vicodin, Adderall, Soma and, what's even worse, a Bush/Cheney bumpersticker.

Al Gore got a disturbing phone call from police the other night: they told the former vice-president that they had arrested his son and he was Tipper.

Johnny Knoxville, the star of all those "Jackass" movies, is getting divorced after 12 years of marriage.  Man, who could have seen that coming?


   1. "Give me liberty or whatever you got!"
   2. "I regret that I have but one Life magazine"
   3. "We have not yet begun to fight with my in-laws"
   4. "Don't fire until you see the whites of their eggs"
   5. "Life, liberty and the pursuit of Betsy Ross. Man, she's hot!"