This Week's Wacks
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July 13th, 2007
Yeah, it's Friday the 13th. Tradition says today would be an unlucky day to have a black cat crawl inside your air conditioner.
Los Angeles Lakers starter Kobe Bryant has apologized to his teammates for disparaging remarks he made about the Lakers. In Kobe's defense, he never realized there were other people on the team.
Rachel Ray says the rumors are not true and that her marriage is not on the rocks. However, she does know a really good recipe for disaster.
A judge in Rio de Janeiro canceled their portion of Saturday's "Live Earth" concert. Al Gore is sending his son there in a souped-up Prius in retaliation.
Snoop Dogg has applied for Australian citizenship. If approved, the country is going to change its nickname to "Up under."
Miners across Mexico have gone on strike. Michael Jackson immediately removed that country as a possible place to live.
Turkey has placed 140,000 troops along their border with Iraq. President Bush has put in a request to speak with Mrs. Butterball on how best to deal with the situation.
The "Live Earth" concert didn't get very good TV ratings. In fact, the numbers were so low, NBC has decided to pick it up for next season.
Word from the set of the CBS news is that Katie Couric slapped an editor on the arm after he slipped a word into a script that she had asked be removed. Why the arm? That was as high as she could reach.
Sounds like Katie's going a little "Zsa Zsa" on us.
John Edwards has announced he's going on a "Poverty Tour," to put a spotlight on how millions of average Americans live and how a $1200 haircut will look in that setting.
Roger Federer made it five straight at Wimbledon. As you know from women's tennis, it's hard to find five straight anything's in that sport.
American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken was involved in spat with a woman on a flight to Tulsa last Saturday. No word on who won.
I'm getting old. I can remember the time when a girl's bra strap was showing and she would be embarrassed by it.
By the way, this is Nude Recreation Week. The trickiest part is playing baseball and trying to keep that darn cup on.
New statistics show that the number of Canadians arrested for marijuana use is at an all-time high. Hey, I made a funny!
For the first time ever in their country's history, Canadians laughing at their own money.
A group of astronomers say they have discovered "the most distant galaxies ever seen." They say these are so far out in space, there's not even the slightest sign of a Starbucks anywhere!
Maybe in the ocean, but not among us land-locked gray whales.
Miss New Jersey says that those nude photos of her that have surfaced, uh….are….….oh, who cares?
Hey, the poor girl's air conditioner was broke. What did you expect her to do?
There was one photo where she held up pumpkins as if they were breasts. Remember, she IS representing "the Garden State".
A new study says that women are attracted to men with muscles. I'm shocked! When did beer-bellies start losing their appeal?
That's sarcasm, isn't it?
I have some incredibly sexy muscles. I just choose to ensure their safety with a protective layer of fat.
President Bush's approval rating has hit yet another all-time low: just 29%. Here's an idea: the price of a postage stamp is based on the president's approval rating. With that in mind, we keep Bush in for one more term and in just a few years we could be mailing letters for free .
Wow, another hot day. Today was so hot, I saw Michael Jackson applying sunblock on his nose before he put it on.
I found a great way to beat the heat on these ridiculously hot days. I just go over to John McCain headquarters, sit down next to the door and then just enjoy the breeze caused by all the departing campaign workers.
A new study says as we grow older, we tend to lose our sense of humor. Isn't that funny? Or maybe not, I can't tell.
Bill Clinton has a new book coming up September 4th, on how we can all become more involved citizens. Seems ironic after all those years of telling Hillary he wasn't involved with anyone.
They've announced a new list of the Seven Wonders of the World. #7 is really interesting: it's the question, "Why the hell do we care so much about Paris Hilton?"
Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff says he has a feeling something bad is coming our way. Outside of the NBC fall line-up, that is...
This heatwave is making folks pretty testy. Yesterday, 23 people attacked Paris Hilton after she said the phrase, "That's hot!"
So hot today that Bill Clinton called up Hillary just so he could get the cold shoulder.
Mel Gibson is tired of being remembered for those racist comments he made a few months ago and is making a big push at being green. "You know, like those drunken Irish bastards".
I was so upset, I was going to call my senator but I couldn't find the DC Madame's phone number.
Scientists say that global warming is causing gray whales to lose weight. Maybe in the ocean, but not among us land-locked gray whales.
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT'S JUST TOO DARN HOT
1. Mosquitoes only biting people named Moe so they can enjoy Mohitos
2. Neighbor dog no longer barks at you, just flips you off
3. Sleeping in refrigerator doesn't sound as silly as it used to
4. The corn you bought at the store, forgot about and left in the car all popped
5. Trees are holding signs that say, "Welcome dogs!"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim