This Week's Wacks
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July 20th, 2007
Scientists in China say they have been able to create artificial weather. The weird thing is, an hour later, you feel like another thunderstorm.
How's this for a Hollywood couple? Matthew Perry and Meg Ryan. I know, I know, you'll have what she's having.
They've decided to let Miss New Jersey keep her crown. Hey, if they can keep any kind of wardrobe on her, more power to 'em.
Directors of the Miss New Jersey pageant have made their decision. After less-than-ladylike photos of the current Miss New Jersey surfaced, the directors decided to punish her... by making her keep the title "Miss New Jersey."
Former President Bill Clinton is out on the campaign trail on behalf of his wife, Hillary. Bill says he plans to reach out to the youth of America... starting out with Miss New Jersey.
Jessica Simpson has told Bazaar magazine "they're real." Ironically, Nick Lachey has told Real magazine "they're bizarre." Now I don't know who to believe.
Britney Spears walked into a trendy Bel Air pet store last week and left with a $3,000 Yorkie puppy. That'll give the nanny something to do during the kids' naptime.
Former U.S. Senator Alfonse D'Amato is going to be a dad: at age 70! Of course, the big question: where were the parents?
Al Gore's youngest daughter, Sarah, was married over the weekend. Al Gore's son was NOT allowed to drive the limo.
For most of the wedding guests, it was the first time they had ever seen a hybrid limo.
In the "no accounting for taste" department, both "Maury" and "The Jerry Springer Show" have been renewed through the year 2010. I'm shocked. I didn't even know they were both still on!
Remember the old days when someone said to you, "Congratulations on the new gig!" and they meant a job. Now it means your computer finally has enough memory to run Vista.
VH1 has a new TV series called "I Hate My 30s." I'll trade ya!
They wouldn't go for my idea for a show: "I remember my 30s... uh, sort of."
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have bought matching dogs. The phrase "puppy ears" is running through my mind. Stop that!
If they're looking for names, might I suggest "Clean" and "Sober"?
According to a new survey, teenagers are having less sex these days. Of course they are -- their teachers get the summer off, right?
In business news, the International House of Pancakes has bought out Applebees. The combined restaurant's new slogan: "Something stacked in your neighborhood!"
In England, there's a 2-week old baby with a full set of teeth! You know what you call a baby with a full set of teeth? "Bottle-fed."
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has now been officially charged with running a dog-fighting operation. They even have proof that Vick was the mastermind behind the dogfight between the Red Baron and Snoopy.
I was really enjoying my new I-phone... until I got my I-bill. I-yi-yi, yi-yi!
Osama bin Laden released another video tape today, this one strongly condemning America... especially because they returned his last video tape and didn't rewind it.
Britney's ex, Kevin Federline, is stalking LA radio stations, trying to get a job as a DJ. Yes, I said the "J" word---job!
Michael Vick---the Don King of dogfighting.
I guess when police came to arrest Michael Vick, he was desperately throwing away evidence, but the dogs kept retrieving it.
Prosecutors say that if Vick is found guilty, he could spend up to six years in the kennel.
Everyone's getting Harry Potter fever. Today, Michael Vick identified the head of the dog fighting ring as Valdemort.
Unemployment claims dropped this past week. However, they're expected to go back up after all the line-place-holders saving spots in the Harry Potter book line lose their jobs.
Yesterday was the day the Emmy nominations came out, or as it's known at NBC, "Just another Thursday".
A new study says that 75% of residents in the U.S. will be overweight by the year 2015. Of course, we could change that. You know, with determination, a little hard work and some careful planning, we could easily hit that goal by the year 2012.
People are still a little jumpy in New York after that steam pipe exploded on Wednesday. They haven't seen that big of a burst of steam since the last time Richard Simmons was in town with "Sweat-a-palooza".
TOP FIVE FAVORITE BUMPERSTICKERS AMONG HARRY POTTER FANS
#5) "Valdemort Schmaldermort"
#4) "Dumbledore is my co-pilot"
#3) "I'd rather be shopping for an 8th book"
#2) "When magic wands are outlawed, only outlaws will have magic wands"
#1) "Hagrid in 2008"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim