This Week's Wacks
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July 27th, 2007
Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani is gaining quite a reputation on the campaign trail of always being late. When he heard about the accusation, Rudy planned an immediate comment for sometime next week... or the week after.
A zoo in Germany is being charged with selling their animals for food. A visiting police officer became suspicious while enjoying a Bengal and cream cheese. Thanks Brian!
MTV says they're creating a cartoon series with Paris Hilton. Even Pepe LePew said, "Ew."
Sylvester Stallone says there's going to be a "Rocky 7." In this one, Rocky fights one of Michael Vick's dogs.
Steve Martin has proposed to girlfriend Anne Stringfield. She said "Yes, if you take that ridiculous arrow out of your head."
A source says that when Al Gore's son was pulled over for speeding July 4th, police found 140 Vicodin pills in the car, or enough to do an entire week of Rush Limbaugh shows.
The Walla Walla Onion has been named the official vegetable of the state of Washington. Aren't they sweet?
A new study shows that you'll burn off 480 calories an hour water skiing. I had no idea you could burn off that many calories falling down.
The Democrats had another presidential debate Monday night. After all, in a few short months, it'll be a WHOLE YEAR until the election.
No offense, folks, but unless you're debating about Hogwarts, it's just too early to care.
Microsoft says within the next three years, they're going to release their next operating system, "Windows 7." The name is based on the probable number of times you'll have to call support on the first day.
Oh my gosh! The tabloid "The Weekly World News" is shutting down. Boy, this is really going to tick off Ed Anger. What will bat boy do?
Michael Vick has been ordered to stay away from the Atlanta Falcons football camp because of that dog fighting allegation. The league just doesn't want the whole thing turning into a circus... because in the circus, there are dogs... and the temptation might be too much for Michael.
In Berlin, a completely naked blonde woman pulled into a gas station, filled up and drove away. She was driving some kind of vehicle thing that had license plates with some kind of numbers or letters or both.
Starbucks says they're raising their coffee drink prices an average of 9 cents next week. But as always, the first one's free and you can quit at any time.
Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again on DUI charges. The good news is that police didn't have to spend a lot of time writing things up. Lindsay does this so often, she has her own form.
I'm beginning to think that DUI stands for "Don't underestimate idiots."
Yes, once again, Lindsay Lohan has been arrested for "Lohanning". (yep, it's now a verb)
This just in: as of a few minutes ago, Lindsay Lohan had not pulled over for a DUI the entire day.
A lot of mental health professionals say that Lindsay's actions are nothing more than a cry for "Get out of the way!"
Police who arrested Lindsay say that she had been drinking, had what appeared to be cocaine in her possession and was driving with a suspended license... but other than that, she was doing great since getting out of rehab!
Lindsay says he is innocent and that it wasn't her cocaine that they found. You can almost hear her wrists being slapped, can't ya?
India has elected their first-ever woman president, Pratibha Patil, which, ironically is Indian for Hillary.
She was elected on the campaign promise, "Free tech support for everyone!"
When President Bush heard the news, he congratulated all the various tribes on their new chief.
According to a new study, soft drinks actually contribute to heart disease. That explains the new drink, "Coca Cola----CLEAR!"
John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, says they are giving up tangerines for the sake of global warming. You see, they have to be trucked there, so if you eat only local fruit, then trucks won't have filled the sky with pollutants. La-La-La-La-La-La-La... ...
That must mean her husband John is sticking entirely to locally-made shampoos and hair gel.
There's a brand-new airline in Germany that will cater to smokers. How's this for a name for the airline?: "Stinky Air!"
A study from the University of California indicates that obesity is "socially contagious". The study was conducted at the Royal Fork.
Lindsay Lohan says she's innocent and the victim of a "witch hunt"…and the rest of the coven backs her up!
I mean, really, you throw out things like "blood alcohol level" and "possession of a controlled substance" and whaddya got?
Lindsay Lohan declared today that she's innocent and deserves more attention than you've been giving Britney Spears lately. Sounds like rehab is making her more honest.
Lindsay Lohan took a major step today towards dealing with her current situation. She went to the post office and arranged for all of her mail from now on to go straight to the rehab center.
So, does this mean Lindsay will be going into re-re-rehab?
By the way, the rehab center Lindsay has been checking into just changed their name to "Campaign Promises".
You gotta love President Bush's doctor. Last weekend, midway through the president's colonoscopy the doctor told him he didn't have a withdrawal plan.
TOP FIVE SHOCKING REVELATIONS IN THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK
1. Just as we suspected all the time: steroids!
2. The lightning bolt scar on Harry's forehead: just a marketing ploy for the new
Lightning Bolt energy drink
3. Hermione's favorite NBA team: The Washington Wizards
4. Hogwarts are actually highly contagious
5. Valdemort is really Donald Trump without the hairpiece
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim