This Week's Wacks

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August 3rd, 2007

A new report claims that some NASA astronauts have been drunk while on missions. Well, yeah... and wearing diapers and driving non-stop... tell me something new.

All this time, whenever I saw one of them on a space walk, I assumed they were moving slowly because they were in outer space.

In space, no one can see you weave.

A new survey among New York City subway riders shows that 60% of them have been sexually harassed while riding the subway. I'm shocked. I had no idea the percentage was that low.

One of Britney's babies was accidentally struck during a run-in with photographers. What else could she say but, "You better not.....hit me baby one more time!"

The new baby "Underdog" is heading for theaters. It's the story of where Michael Vick tried to hide betting slips when police arrived.

Okay, I know 7-11 got on board the Simpsons movie promotional bandwagon, but Honda really blew it. They could have offered the ultimate minivan for the true Simpsons fan: "Homer's Odyssey."

By the way, they've changed the name of Lindsay Lohan's latest movie from "I Know Who Killed Me" to "I Know Who Killed My Career: Me."

Lindsay Lohan's latest movie debuted in the #9 spot over the weekend... or, as Lindsay likes to say, "Blew a point 9."

President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met Monday at Camp David. Everything went pretty well... if you don't include the fact President Bush kept calling Brown "Tony."

Of course, the theme of Monday's meetings: "What can Brown do for you?"

Some episodes of the new fall TV shows have leaked on to the Internet. They say that millions and millions of people are already NOT watching some of the new NBC shows.

It was "Cereal Week" at Dodger Stadium this week. The Giants were in town, which gave Dodgers fans a chance to boo Barry.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's divorce has been finalized. Britney is finally free to... uh, just keep doing what she's been doing.

Hopefully, Britney will take this whole experience and use it as a life-lesson to help her make better choices over the next, oh, week or so.

By the way, the latest score from the rehab games, Lindsay has a slight lead over Britney, 3 stays to 2.

We've cracked into August, so it's perfectly legit to say the phrase, "Back to School."

Oil futures went up to a record high $78 a barrel! When asked for a comment, Vice-President Dick Cheney replied, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

Four Home Depot buyers have been fired for accepting bribes and impersonating a Senator from Alaska.

Oh and Home Depot has a new slogan now: "You can do it. We can help...ourselves!"

A photographer says that Britney Spears threatened him, yelling "I'm going to kill you." Oh, that's all? It's not like she said, "I'm going to marry you" or anything serious.

Nicole Richie has announced she's four months pregnant. That explains why she's been seen lately eating for one.

Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is writing his memoirs, to be published in 2010. The working title is, "If I did it I don't remember it."

Researchers at the University of Texas have come up with a list of 237 reasons why men and women have sex. Some are new, but others have been around for a while, like "Because Hillary's out of town."

A congressman from North Dakota says he "can't stand" President Bush and that he is nothing but "a clown".  When the president heard the comments, he squirted the congressman with a plastic flower and threw a pie in his face.

Fisher-Price is recalling a million Chinese-made toys because they have lead in the paint.  Couldn't they just re-label them as pencils and call it good?

Alec Baldwin has recorded two public service announcements on behalf of the plight of manatees.  The radio commercials will air in Florida and will give voice to one of God's creatures who can't yell at people for themselves.

More bad news for Michael Vick.  Today, a video was released of the time he was trying to recruit "Underdog".

Russia is now claiming that the North Pole belongs to them.  This is just going to further confuse Buddy the Elf.


   1. No Ben Affleck movies (of course, that's a pretty common rule)
   2. Never refer to a large baby shoe as a "Big booty"
   3. If she's hears that "There's always room for J-Lo" joke one more time...
   4. Just because your name is Marc Anthony doesn't mean you can call me "Cleopatra"
   5. We only rent movies from "Jenny at the Blockbuster."