This Week's Wacks
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August 10th, 2007
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. Today I saw a Martian space ship with an "Obama in '08" bumpersticker.
Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. One of his ex-wives got his old line.
Yep, that's what I want from Donald Trump: tips on style. Next, I'm going to go for his hair.
In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he's constantly being harassed by prank phone calls. He's thinking about changing his name to Prince Albert.
A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records" for most weight ever lost. Ironically, all the weight he lost has moved to California.
Over 7,000 people showed up at the Kennedy Space Center's Rocket Garden to catch a performance of Bruce Willis' blues band. However, most of those were there hoping to see Bruce blast off to an asteroid.
According to a new survey, most people say they like to have sex for the obvious reason: it feels good... and they knew that it would now.
The latest USA Today poll shows Democrats favoring Hillary Clinton as their candidate, followed by Barack Obama in second and John Edwards a well-coiffed third.
NASA says that only 40% of their Space Shuttle flights actually take off on time. Whatever the airlines have is apparently contagious.
A survey among pre-schoolers showed that they believe anything from McDonalds tastes better... and among the girls, most would like to be baby-sat by Justin Timberlake.
Wait a minute -- why are we surveying toddlers? Aren't we supposed to be telling them what to think?
Here we are, waiting for Barry Bonds to hit that next home run and enter the record books. Everyone's on pins and needles: fans are on the pins, Barry's on the needles.
Mexican telecom billionaire Carlos Slim has passed Bill Gates and is now the richest man in the world. Funny, but right after he got the big news, he got this really bad computer virus.
Slim is actually so rich... he's having the border moved behind him.
In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house... and that she says no to at least half of them.
No one can seem to find Lindsay Lohan. Theories range from "she's in rehab again" to her mom wisked her away to a more normal life on the east coast. Hey, I've watched "Everybody loves Raymond." Those east coast people are NOT normal.
International Soccer star David Beckham announced today that he's NOT going Hollywood. He made the announcement in Hollywood.
A Giant Panda at the San Diego Zoo has just given birth to her fourth Panda cub. When they asked the mother if there was anything they could do for her, the Panda said, "Yes, until I lose some of this baby weight, can you drop the 'Giant' part?"
A new scientific study found that people have sex because it feels good. Tell me we didn't spend a whole lot of money for that study....
President Bush signed a new law into effect that allows the government to listen into e-mails and phone calls. Because, of course, they weren't doing it up until now (wink, wink)
Did you hear about this guy in South Dakota who was arrested for supposedly having sex with a traffic sign? In the guy's defense, it was a yield sign.
I can just imagine this guy walking up and saying, "So... what sign are you?
The Space Shuttle Endeavor blasted off into space last night. Yeah, they wanted to wait until after "Happy Hour."
Barry Bonds hit his record-breaking 756th home run Tuesday night. It was quite a celebration in San Francisco. They even had the group Led Zeppelin on hand to perform "Steroid to Heaven."
How about that! #756! Congratulations are in order to former President Bill Clinton--and those are just the ones Hillary knows about!
A new report says that DVD's aimed at helping pre-schoolers get a head start may actually slow down their learning. Especially if they don't have a DVD player.
Mariah Carey's new fragrance is called "M." Wonder what that stands for?
The first 7 months of this year were the wettest months ever recorded in the state of Texas. Things were so wet, they had to use electric eels to execute prisoners.
The New York City Council wants an official city ban on the words "bitch" and "ho." Needless to say, Santa is pissed, pissed, pissed.
A woman in Dallas waiting in line to audition for "American Idol" went into labor…got in her audition…then was rushed to the hospital where she delivered her baby. Simon called her breathing "the worst Lamaze technique I've ever seen!"
Please wait until the end of the show to call and vote if she should keep the baby or not.
The bald eagle was officially removed from the Endangered Species List on Wednesday and replaced by the category, "Guys who have never dated Paris Hilton".
First Lady Laura Bush and daughter Jenna are teaming up to write a children's book. They wanted to make sure they didn't leave the president out.
250,000 tires made in China are being recalled in the United States. Apparently, once you fill 'em up with air, they're full…but an hour later they're hungry again.
TOP FIVE SONGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE PLAYED WHEN
BARRY BONDS IS IN THE BALLPARK
#5) “Needles & Pins”
#4) “Hit me with your best shot”
#3) “Steroid to Heaven”
#2) “I want a new drug”
#1) “Back in my arms again”
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim