This Week's Wacks

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August 24th, 2007

The compact disk celebrated its 25th anniversary last Friday. I feel bad. I didn't even send an e-card.

First daughter Jenna Bush is engaged to her long-time boyfriend. The couple received a congratulations note from Simon Cowell, who said he hoped they had lots of Bush babies.

Obviously the boyfriend couldn't think of a good exit strategy, either. It must be contagious.

Paris Hilton has introduced her new line of clothing, which features everything from a dressy jumpsuit to a more casual look for the exercise yard.

A new survey says that women are more fashion-conscious than men. Wait a minute: who gave the world the white sock/black loafer look?

Mel C says the Spice Girls will have a strict "no alcohol" policy when they tour: no alcohol, no performance.

A survey of British women found that the majority of them hide their new clothes purchases and often say they cost much less when showing them to their husbands. Thank God nothing like that would ever happen here!

Former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss says she's a big fan of Hillary Clinton. Check with her husband Bill and he'd probably just say two words: "Cabinet post!"

China says they're going to review their toy-making procedures, but for now will offer them in two styles: regular and unleaded.

Hurricane Dean has left behind quite a bit of damage and is acting erratic. Oh, wait... no, that's Lindsay Lohan.

Just remember: the guy who was cutting corners invented the wheel. (I don't know what that means, but I liked the sound of it.)

...I'm about as excited as Michael Vick fast-forwarding to the end of "Old Yeller."

Last week, Rod Maday rode a donkey 1500 miles, from Boy River, Minnesota, to Gillette, Wyoming... and when he was done, boy, was his ass tired!

In Finland, archaeologists have found a piece of ancient chewing gum... underneath a prehistoric desk.

Steven Segal says the FBI is to blame for ruining his movie career. If FBI stands for "Film Bad Ideas," I'd agree.

Now they're saying Karl Rove is leaving the White House because he's so cheap. This way, he can get out of buying Jenna Bush a wedding present.

By the way, in case you're invited to the wedding, the couple is registered at Unocal and BP.

A ventriloquist has won the $1-million first prize on "America's Got Talent." That's the biggest prize won by a ventriloquist since Dick Cheney in 2000 and 2004.

Former first lady, Ladybird Johnson, has left her entire estate to her two daughters, Lynda-Bird and Luci-Bird. Didn't leave a darn thing to the much-disappointed Larry Bird.

Mattel has gone to court to force porn star China Barbie to change her last name. What really ticked Mattel off was the titled of her last movie: "Some accessories not included."

Prosecutors say that Michael Vick could face 18 months in prison. But shouldn't that be in dog years?

And now, here's Michael Vick singing, "How much is that doggie in the window?"

Archaeologists in Egypt have found the oldest human footprints in history. They say the footprints led to the sight of the very first Rolling Stones concert.

A new study says that a surprising number of America's seniors are still having sex.  So, let that be a lesson to you: whenever you go to grandma's house, ALWAYS knock!

"Wait, you're not my grandma.  You're the big bad wolf. Oh…hi, grandma.  I didn't know you were also in there…..Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Scientists have done the calculations and figured out that a Tyrannosaurus Rex would have easily out-run humans….which would have made for an interesting Olympics.  The T-Rex wouldn't just win all the events, he'd also eat the losers.

The Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles the other day 30-3.  It's the last time Major League Baseball will let two teams play each other on a Wii.

Mark Burnett and NBC are teaming up for a new game show called, "Amnesia".  I read what it was like, but…well, you know…..but I also heard that Mark Burnett and NBC have a new game show coming out called, "Amnesia". 


   1. She makes the kids smoke outside
   2. She always remembers at least half of their names
   3. Has a strict rule: no tattoos before the age of 5
   4. Insists the kids do their homework. Oh, wait. They're not in school yet. Party!
   5. Guys that come over to the house are called "A," "B," "C," etc., to help the kids learn
       the letters of the alphabet