This Week's Wacks

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August 31st, 2007

Lindsay Lohan has been given a sentence for her most recent drunk driving arrest. She's been sentenced to one day in jail, 10 days of community service, 36 months of probation and ten years of not making any more "Herbie the Love Bug" movies. The judge thought while he was at it, he might as well throw that in.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has declared "the Internet is dead and boring." You know what that means? He's discovered a whole new way of downloading porn!

Either that or he upgraded to Vista.

Nicole Richie served an 82-minute jail sentence last Thursday. She says for the most part, things weren't too bad...but the last two minutes were really tough.

So when did they start handing out jail sentences so short, you could serve it and not even need a restroom break?

A new survey says that over-chewing your gum can result in jaw strain...and also be the major cause of people yelling at you, "Stop chomping!"

Pamela Anderson is said to be looking into opening her own casino in Las Vegas and calling it "Planet Pammy." I've already got the slogan: "When think slots, think Pammy."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned. Truth is, he accidentally fired himself.

There goes our only public official with the same initials as his title.

Michael Vick has been suspended from the NFL indefinitely. Oh, I think it's definite.

It's kinda hard to complete passes when you can only throw to your receivers on visiting day.

To quote Michael: "It's been a hard day's night and I've been workin' like a dog."

The AMC Pacer is the number one worst designed car ever, according to a new survey, barely edging out the Yugo and the Ford Pinto. Boy, they just don't make 'em like that anymore -- and there's a reason!

To counter rumors that he was dead, Cuba's Fidel Castro has supposedly written a newspaper column. He opened with, "Man, it's hot down here."

Wisconsin has just been getting a ton of rain. I suppose if there's any good news here, its that cheese floats.

President Bush has to find a new attorney general. Rumor has it that he's down to two finalists: Senator Joseph Lieberman and Miss South Carolina Teen USA.

Miss South Carolina Teen USA says she's honored to be considered for the job by the president, or as she likes to call him, "the smart one."

She says if she gets the job, the first thing she's going to do is make sure that everything that's illegal is  against the law. Man, she's gonna fit right in!

A Viennese pathologist is claiming that Beethoven was accidentally poisoned by his doctor with lead. Why the doctor was giving him all those Chinese toys -- we'll never know.

According to a new study, men do less housework around the house than women. The first question that popped up in my mind was: they had to do a study?

I'm about as nervous as a mortgage broker sitting in a stall next to Senator Craig.

Katie Couric is going to do the evening news from Iraq. I guess that's one way to make them ask us to leave.

Leona Helmsley left $12 million in her will to her dog. The Maltese says the first thing he's going to do is order a hit on Michael Vick.

Phoenix has had 29 days of temperatures over 110 degrees this year. In the words of Paris Hilton, "That's hot!"

It's been so hot in Phoenix, Senator Craig was only hitting on air conditioning repair guys.

Matt LeBlanc's agent is suing the actor, claiming Matt hasn't paid his agent fees.  If this is the same agent who got him the job in "Joey", I can understand why he didn't pay.

Singer El DeBarge has been arrested on domestic violence charges.  By the way, "DeBarge" is Spanish for "one with a washed-up career".

DeBarge was recently featured on the VH1 show, "Where are they now as if we care?"

There's been a political shakeup in China, where five cabinet members were suddenly replaced because of a high lead content.

Three Republican Senators are calling for Senator Larry Craig to get out…if not from the Senate, at least out of the Senate restroom for a half hour.

David Letterman is going to appear on Oprah next month.  No word yet on whether Uma Thurman will also be on the show and who will introduce Uma to Oprah and vice-versa.

A NASA internal investigation says that they've been unable to find
proof of any astronauts going up into space drunk.  They said they're also unable to explain where that second space station made completely out of empties came from.

In space, no one can hear you puke.


   1. Underdog
   2. Cujo
   3. Lassie leaving him in the well
   4. Waking up as the Shaggy Dog on fight day
   5. Pluto holding him while Goofy punches him