This Week's Wacks

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September 7th, 2007

Another Labor Day weekend has come and gone. It should have made you realize that you have it so much better than Paris Hilton. Think about it -- you get three days off, she doesn't. Hey, you'd have to have a job before you could take days off!

Forbes magazine has named the top 100 most powerful women in the world. The chancellor of Germany is in first place, right above the Rutgers Women's basketball team.

Hillary was 25th on the list. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. That's on her husband's list.

The government is looking at a new type of x-ray machine that could speed up lines at the airport. What worries me is that the machines are made by the Eeny-meeny-miney-mo Corporation.

President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq on Monday. He said it felt great to be in a country where only 90% of the people hated him.

Hurricane Felix has achieved category 5 status. Meanwhile, after a relaxing Labor Day Weekend, Rosie O'Donnell has been downgraded to a category 4.

Meteorologists say that while Felix is much stronger than Hurricane Oscar, it's also much neater.

Felix is headed towards Central America.  The New York Yankees say they're going to consider it as their #1 draft pick, thanks to it's 395 MPH fastball.

There's a cab driver strike in New York City, forcing millions of New Yorkers to have to be rude to themselves.

Jerry Lewis has apologized for making an anti-gay slur during his annual Labor Day telethon. There goes his chance to be on "Grey's Anatomy."

Archaeologists have found an ancient beehive in northern Israel, estimated to be 3,000 years old. When asked about what else they discovered at the site, the archaeologists said, "None of your beeswax."

Jude Law got into an argument with a photographer and was arrested... in spite of what his critics have said. See, he CAN get arrested!

A new study proves that rock musicians do die earlier than the average person. I believe the study was done by the DUH Institute.

George Michael says he's writing a Christmas song for the Spice Girls to sing. Hey, whatever it takes to keep him out of the bushes.

Internet buzz has the latest James Bond, Daniel Craig, engaged. Fans are said to be shaken, but not stirred.

According to a new survey, men put a higher value on good looks than women do... and behalf of all guys who are forced to rely on their personality, can I just say, "Thank God!"

Brad Pitt says that four kids has been tough at times, but that he's "ready for a fifth" with Angelina Jolie. Or, maybe he meant "he needs a fifth." Yeah, that sounds more like it.

According to a new survey, Canadians are twice as happy as Americans... minus, of course, the exchange rate.

In Spain, a man cut off his penis because he said God told him to do it. God later said, "No... I said PEANUTS. You need to cut off peanuts, you're allergic to 'em. Oh, for Pete's sake!"

In the Philippines, police have seized over $13,000 worth of fake Viagra pills at a mall in Manila. Of course, you gotta wonder, how did they find out they were fake?  "You got anything there yet, Fred?"

The main suspects said there were no hard feelings.

New research hints that the fumes from microwave popcorn could be hazardous to your health.  The next step? The government plans to ask Orville Redenbacher to get a health-warning tattoo.

Al Gore is finishing up work on another book on the environment.  Not many people know this, but Al Gore invented books.

Is it just me or isn't it slightly ironic that you'd write a book on the environment and then cut down hundreds of trees to make the paper to publish it?


   1. "If you had called, I wouldn't be bald"
   2. "My nanny said your nanny lied"
   3. "Which husband were you again?"
   4. "I thought you had the kids"
   5. "Oops, I married again"