This Week's Wacks

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September 14th, 2007

A new Osama Bin Laden video is out  Unfortunately, it didn't come out until Thursday, meaning it was too late for the MTV Video Awards.

The new Bin Laden video includes several major threats, cries of outrage against the United States and a duet with Lindsay Lohan.

Apparently, Osama has gotten even madder since his last video. That's due, in part, because the last one was returned without rewinding it first.

Apple said it will give a $100 credit to everyone who $599 for their iPhone, now that they've dropped the price by $200. So, who do I talk to about my $800 VCR I bought in '84?

Fred Thompson told voters that he can stop Hillary. Hillary responded by saying that she can stop Thompson, it's her husband Bill that she's given up on.

Britney Spears put on quite a performance Sunday night at the MTV Music Video Awards. She came and lip-synched to her new song, "Gimme More" and was backed up by the "All Ex-Husband Dancers."

Congrats to Ochi Yosuke of Japan, who won the World Air Guitar Championships in Finland and is now "King of all those who have no lives."

Government terrorism specialists say that the latest Osama Bin Laden video tells them a lot. For example, we know he's near a store that sells "Just for men."

Well, some good news for Phil Spector over the weekend. He won his cell block's football pool. Hey, you gotta take the good news where you can get it.

President Bush said he had a good time at the APEC summit, but was highly disappointed he never saw one ape.

The Emmy's are coming up this weekend, or as NBC likes to call the big day, "Sunday."

Speaking of the Emmy's, Justin Timberlake won a statue for a song he did for "Saturday Night Live." They put the statue in a box, if that helps.

Another Bin Laden video has come out. He's got things going direct to video faster than Ben Affleck!

In this video, Bin Laden calls for a "Caravan of Martyrs"... so, apparently, this tape was sponsored by Dodge and the all-new Dodge Caravan -- Martyr Edition.

Luciano Pavarotti's will was changed a month ago on his deathbed, so it looks like there's going to be a battle over his estate. This is where the relatives really come out of the woodwork and try to take advantage of everything that dear, dear Uncle Luciano built up over the years.

There was a burglary at Mitt Romney's campaign headquarters in Boston this past Monday. Witnesses report hearing broken glass, followed by a lot of yawning.

Even thought they were burglars, they did mark the first people interested in the Romney campaign.

I like the new slogan for Bin Laden: "Wanted Dyed or Alive."

A city in Florida has voted to ban dog barking, resulting in an entire town that has nothing worse than their bite.

Britney Spears is said to have broken down in tears following her performance at the VMA's Sunday night. It didn't help when Tommy Lee walked up and said, "What's wrong, Muffin Top?"

Burger King is now selling "Apple Fries" -- fruit cut up to look like French Fries for the more health-conscious consumer. Yeah, but that plastic-faced King still creeps me out.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has dissolved his country's government... by tossing a bucket of Vodka on it. Now he just needs to take the broom to the wizard.

Russia says they have developed the world's most powerful non-nuclear bomb. Always good news when it comes from a country whose government was just dissolved.

In France, a new company is offering excuses to people who want to commit adultery. For a fee, they'll help you pull off going to a phony weekend seminar, provide a fake emergency phone call from work or an invitation to a non-existent weddings, etc.
In a related story, Bill Clinton says if Hillary is elected president, he'd be willing to serve as ambassador to France.

General David Petraeus told congress today that it's obviously time to get out... but enough about Britney Spears and her career.

First it was hurricane Katrina, now "Killer Bees" have invaded New Orleans. A local religious leader says they'll go away if the Pharaoh will just let his people go.

Poor New Orleans. First, it was Hurricane Katrina... then a "Killer Bee" invasion... and next week, the New Orleans Saints have their home opener. How much can one city take?

Astronomers say that around five billion years from now, the Sun will run out of hydrogen fuel, causing it to swell up to 100 times its size.  Boy, I hope it happens during the day so we can see it.

How can scientists predict what the sun will do in five-billion years when we can't even predict what will happen with the weather by tomorrow?

Wednesday was "Sex Day" in a Russian province concerned about declining populations.  The government was encouraging couples to stay at home that day and make babies.  They don't call 'em rushin's for nothin'.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met face-to-face in a lawyer's office on Wednesday.  Hopefully, for Kevin's sake, he didn't bring up the Video Music Awards.

When they say each other for the first time, they both said the same thing:  "I thought YOU had the kids!"

Mattel has apologized for allowing so many lead-tainted toys into the U.S. from China.  In fact, Mattel's CEO has been forced to write "I will never let this happen again" 1,000 times, using a piece of paper and a Barbie.

Queen Elizabeth has been banned from riding horses because an outbreak of "hoof and mouth" disease in Britain.  I guess they just don't want to risk the horses catching it.

Hurricane Humberto has arrived in Texas.   The "H" isn't silent,  it just blew away.

A city block in Hollywood has been named "Larry King Square"ůso it's a location, NOT a statement.

TOP FIVE MOST PROFOUND THINGS SAID LAST NIGHT IN THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

#5)  "O.K., last time I'm asking again, I swear it:  is it Iraq or Iran?"
#4)  "Can I take a bathroom break?"
#3)  "All this time, I thought when you said troop reduction, you meant shorter soldiers"
#2)  "Now, I'd like to sit on Dick Cheney's lap and talk while he drinks a glass of water!"
#1)  "Thank you, Britney, for that marvelous dancing introduction"

LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
                                                                                                                                                                                                             Tim