President Bush has given us his troop withdrawal plan in Iraq. The more you like him and his poll numbers go up, the more troops come home.
Actually, the President's plan to bring home the troops could work really well. He said he'd bring home 10,000 soldiers every time Lindsay Lohan goes into rehab. We should have everyone back home early next year.
The New England Patriots have been fined $750,000 for spying on the sidelines of NFL games. The Patriots front office claims that other coaches around the league feel the fine is excessive, at least according to comments they made while talking with their wives in their bedrooms.
Regarding Britney's performance at the VMA's, I don't get what the big deal is: her song was titled "Gimme more," there was more of her to love... so what's the deal?
Not surprising, but the original title of "Gimme more" was "I'd like seconds."
It turns out the new shoot-'em-up cowboy western "3:10 to Yuma" was filmed in China. That explains all the flying lead.
Paris Hilton said this week that when she settles down she's going to do "more philanthropy." Miss Teen South Carolina said she would like to join Paris, since she's never been to Italy.
A guy in Texas has invented an "artificial boy." Yeah, I would have bet Michael Jackson would have been first, too.
O.J. Simpson has been arrested in Las Vegas in connection with a break-in at a hotel room there. His attorney this time around isn't as good. In fact, he told the press, "If he gets in your room, you're pretty much doomed."
Sally Field was censored at the Emmy Awards. During her acceptance speech for winning an Emmy, Sally launched into an anti-war rant aimed at the president, saying, "I'm so glad I hate you. I really, really hate you!"
I've long been a fan of Sally Field's political views. It goes way back to the Gidget and Flying Nun days. Yes, you detect sarcasm.
The Emmy's were actually a lot of fun to watch this year. They had a couple of musical numbers that had you tappin' your toes, even if you weren't sitting next to Senator Larry Craig.
O.J. Simpson has been arrested in Las Vegas after a slow-speed chase through a casino.
Well, you know what they say: "What happened in Vegas may finally put a double-murderer behind bars."
According to O.J.: "I don't get it. In the movies, George Clooney and Brad Pitt make it look so easy."
O.J., who got off on murder charges because of those ill-fitting gloves, said he was a lot smarter now. "Yep, this time I didn't wear gloves!
O.J.'s already working on the book. It'll be titled, "If I broke into that hotel and stole all that sports memorabilia."
Martha Stewart is putting her name on a new wine. The best vintages are anywhere from 7 to 10 years old, with time off for good behavior.
The other day I was watching TV and saw Ted Kennedy defending the Patriot Act. Turned out he was defending the act the Patriots did in spying on the sidelines. Now THAT makes sense.
To show how lawsuits have gotten out of control, a Nebraska state senator is suing God. God replied, "Hey, don't blame me. The devil is in charge of the attorneys!"
I've just been handed the shocking results of a survey: almost one third of American men leave public restrooms without washing up their hands... and two thirds of them never wash their hands before handling a survey. EWWWW!
O.J. Simpson is going to be facing burglary charges and could face up to 20 years in prison or making two more "Naked Gun" movies.
Britney Spears' manager has quit. Obviously, with everything going on with Britney, he wasn't managing well.
The answer: Britney Spears and the Los Angeles Dodgers.
The question: Who needs a new manager?
Sunday night's Emmy Awards attracted the smallest audience since 1990. My only question: The Emmy's were on Sunday?
A friend of O.J. Simpson says that this whole Las Vegas arrest thing seems like a setup. And... your point?
Wait a minute -- O.J. has a friend?
Hillary Clinton says she's going to try for a national healthcare program again. In a non-related story, her husband Bill has a new intern named Monica.
Boy, look at that interest-rate drop. Not at the banks, for the next presidential election!
That inspired the new Mitt Romney Campaign Mortgage. It has very low interest.
Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor has had an operation performed on her leg. Doctors say that she'll be up and kicking police officers in no time.
Michael Jackson is thinking about going into politics and do what he can "to help shape the future of the country." This, after watching the first episode of "Kid Nation."
If you've always wanted to be on YouTube, this would be a great time to get on there and defend the guy who got tazed.
Yep, that was Michael Jackson at "The Lion King" in New York on Sunday, along with his three kids... who all wore wigs and baseball caps. I'm sure they're as normal as he is.
Mattel says that the lead they discovered in their toys this summer was 180% OVER the safe limit. I guess this explains what happened to Ken.
A new polls shows that the public doesn't quite trust General Patraeus when it comes to his assessment of what is happening in Iraq. Critics are calling him "General Betray-Us." Thank goodness we have another spokesman ready to take over: "General Lee Misguided."
"Survivor: China" debuted last night on CBS. A very interesting version of the show. This season, the castaways have to play with a bunch of Chinese toys and instead of voting people off, the lead in the toys slowly thins them out.
Hillary Clinton has called Dick Cheney the "Darth Vader" of the Bush Administration. She then asked her husband, "Is that a Wookie under your desk or are you just happy to see me?" I think the campaign is taking its toll.
In a related story, Bill Clinton said he thought Mrs. Jabba the Hut was hot.
O.J. Simpson is charged with 7 felonies and then gets out on bail? Man, this guy gets away with murder!
The $5 bill is getting a new look that will include adding some splashes of purple & grey. This sounds like an episode of "Queer Eye for the Abe Guy!"
Several more people were tasered at a John Kerry speech today. Not because they got out of hand; just to help them stay awake.
TOP FIVE RHYMES O.J.'S LAWYER IS GOING TO USE IN THE UPCOMING TRIAL
1. If not convicted of crime, maybe get him next time.
2. You're a good-lookin' jury, don't be in a hurry
3. Even I'm not a fan; can I go to the can?
4. You may be strong-willed, but hey, no one was killed
5. If convicted of robbery, then... uh... oh, nevermind...