This Week's Wacks

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September 28th, 2007

The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out, and for the first time ever it's all billionaires. Thank goodness we finally got all those riffraff millionaires off the list.

Visa says that Americans are spending almost $200 on stuff... things they can't even identify. If you're really determined to identify it, stick around for next year's garage sale.

Fall has arrived. Now hopefully, O.J. will finally take one.

Sharon Osbourne says her husband Ozzy is always in the mood for love and never tires - just like the famous bunny from the Duracell battery commercials. Look up TMI in the dictionary and that story is there as an example.

Scientists in Peru report a meteorite crashed in their country this past week. I know what you're thinking: no, Lindsay Lohan was not driving.

"60 Minutes" kicked off it's 40th season Sunday night. Most of its reporters were born the year after minutes were invented.

Scientists now say velociraptors had feathers, just like birds. And that's the latest news. About 200-million years late.

Turkey has banned access to the website, YouTube, in it's country.  That means, right now, Turkey is the only place in the world where there's no one defending Britney.

This weekend's hot new movie is "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford." Don't tell me how it ends: I haven't read the title.

The master of the pantomime, Marcel Marceau, has died at age 84. In his honor, we'd like to observe a moment of noise.

His final words were, "No, really, I'm trapped in an invisible box!"

O.K., I just saw a picture of the president of Iran. When did Steve Carell take over the country?

"Resident Evil" was the #1 movie over the weekend, not to be confused with Michael Moore's new anti-Bush movie, "President Evil."

The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said in a speech at Columbia University that there were no gays in his country. Well, that explains his hair.

There was kind of a confusing introduction by the Columbia University President, who introduced Ahmadinejad as "the leader of a terrorist state... not that there's anything wrong with that."

The president of Iran later issued a correction to something he said. He said they allow gays in his country. But there is a ban on "Grey's...... Anatomy". He personally hates that show.

In a speech to the U.N., Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad questioned 9-11, said the holocaust never happened and criticized the last season of "24", calling it "disappointing".

General Motors has been hit by a labor strike. It has become Generally Idle Motors.

David Hasselhoff's ex-wife Pamela Bach was booked Monday for a hit-and-run incident back in January. That could also land her with "impersonating Britney Spears" charges.

I'd just like to say thank you for pausing "Halo 3" long enough to acknowledge I'm here.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested on DUI charges early Tuesday morning. The events occurred in real time.

Britain's Nuts, magazine has named Cheryl Cone as the world's sexiest brunette. Wow, there's so much here I don't care about, I don't know where to start.

Former President Bill Clinton was on Martha Stewart Wednesday. He also appeared on her TV show.

The guy who gave us "Survivor," Mark Burnett, is doing a new game show called "My Dad is Better Than Your Dad." Geez, you'd hate to find out he isn't on national TV, wouldn't ya?

Lindsay Lohan is said to be getting close to leaving rehab. And she was doing so well...

A religious sect leader has been found guilty in Utah of polygamy. Ironically, he was found guilty on one of his wedding anniversaries... although, the odds of that were actually pretty good.

Police had to be called in to a Mississippi Chuck E. Cheese restaurant when fights broke out last weekend. Happy Mouse was not happy.

A thief stole 350 bra’s from a Victoria’s Secret store in Flagstaff, Arizona.  Police think he probably lifted and separated them.

A couple who are Chicago Cubs fans have named their baby Wrigley Field.  In a moment of amazing irony, one of the baby’s fans caused him to drop a fly ball.

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he accomplished the three things he came to do here---criticizing the U.S. in front of a worldwide forum, picking up a copy of “Halo 3” and offering the job of chief government restroom inspector to Senator Larry Craig.

Thieves broke into the Buenos Aires home of film director Francis Ford Coppola.  Ironically, the break-in lasted over three hours, with at least twenty minutes of that time completely unnecessary.

O.J. Simpson admitted that he broke into Coppola’s house. But he said it was only to get back the $9 he paid to see “The Good Shepherd” last year.


   1. At debates, you're asked to sit in a dunk tank
   2. Only endorsements you receive are from comedians
   3. Asking for donations always gets laughs
   4. Bumper stickers only used when out of duct tape
   5. Rally canceled when supporter calls in sick