This Week's Wacks

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October 5th, 2007

A new report claims that Saddam Hussein asked for $1 billion to go into hiding one month before the U.S. invaded Iraq. I'm guessing we didn't pay it.

Didn't I see that last year on the season finale of "Deal or No Deal!"?

In Women's World Cup Soccer, Brazil knocked out the U.S. Women's team, 4-0. Yes, it's true: the Brazilians waxed the Americans.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said if he gets $30-million in campaign contributions, he'll run for president. Is there anyway to make a negative donation to someone's campaign?

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said if he gets $30-million in campaign contributions, he'll run for president. You know what? Me, too.

In Austria, a group of animal rights activists are busy trying to get the courts to declare that a chimpanzee is legally a person. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has ruled himself out of running for president in 2008. Yeah, I know -- Great! NOW what are we gonna do?

I believe it was Fred Thompson who coined the phrase, "No Newts is good Newts!"

It's time for the baseball post-season... or, as the New York Mets call it, "vacation."

Paramedics in New York had a busy weekend. People kept calling 9-1-1 and telling them to come out to Shea Stadium because the Mets were choking.

In Argentina, a 24-year-old man has married his 82-year-old girlfriend. Hopefully, it was love and not because they had to...

Usher has introduced his own fragrances: "Usher for men" and "Usher for women." I guess all we need now is "Usher for theater" and we can all sit down.

The University of Washington Huskies ALMOST upset the #1 Trojans of USC last weekend. I describe it as an Iraqi loss: Saddam close.

Britney Spears has been ordered to give up custody of her two kids. What's even worse for Mets fans is that she has to give them to the Philadelphia Phillies.

A judge has ruled that Britney Spears has to turn over the custody of her kids to ex-husband Kevin Federline this Wednesday. Britney's initial response was, "Fine. O.K. Sure....but where are they?"

The good news, Britney says she'll have her two kids dropped off at Kevin Federline's house on Wednesday. The bad news: Kiefer Sutherland is driving.

Sony has unveiled a new TV that is on Point-12 inches thick? You know what Kiefer Sutherland calls Point-12? Driving condition.

Ben Affleck said in an interview that dating Jennifer Lopez was bad for his career. My thoughts? Only two words: "Career Schmareer."

Two days ago was Wednesday... or, as Britney Spears called it, "Take your kids over to your ex's day."

By the way, Britney Spears has now applied for a California driver's license. Hey, if you're going to hit people, you might as well get credit for it.

Ricky Williams has applied to be reinstated to the NFL. Sounds like someone's out of money.

As asteroid has been renamed in honor of former Star Trek star, George Takei. It was either that or a flaming comet.

Alyssa Milano says she's sick and tired of athletes and is no longer going to date them. I've got a chance now.

A class action lawsuit has been filed against Target with the group claiming that their web site isn't friendly to the blind. Who could have seen that one coming?

Ford says their sales are down 39% since last year. Now we know what you haven't been driving lately.

A German inventor has developed a pillow that he claims will stop snoring.  We’ve already one of those at home. I start snoring, she just holds the pillow over my head until the noise stops.  Affected me hasn’t no it.

A German inventor has invented what he calls, “the snoring pillow”.  As if I’m not doing my part already.

The WNBA playoffs are all tied up at two games apiece.  Did you even know that was still going?  Not the playoffs—the WNBA!

This quick public service announcement to all Chicago Cubs fans:  if a foul ball goes into the stands but a Cubs player might catch it, LEAVE THE BALL ALONE!

There was a robbery on the set of the new Indiana Jones’ movie.  Thieves got away with a bottle of Grecian formula, a case of Metamucil and three cozy blankets.


   1. UNOCAL changing their name to Starbucks
   2. When you complain about today's price, gas station attendant laughs out loud
   3. OPEC Holiday Party Committee meets next week
   4. Psychic predicts something that rhymes with "schmore dollars a gallon" is about to happen
   5. Gas station now taking applications for "2nd mortgage fill-up loans"