This Week's Wacks

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October 12th, 2007

Mattel is recalling even more of their toys because they were made in China and contain lead. The latest recall includes Skipper's Pencil set and the Barbie X-Ray bib.

Senator Larry Craig held a press conference today and announced that he's not giving up his seat. He also said he's staying in the Senate. Oh.

Bruce Springsteen was interviewed Sunday night on "60 Minutes"... but it was Lesley Stahl who said, "I'm on fire."

Things are kinda slow, news-wise. Today, Rosie O'Donnell announced that she's feuding with herself.

Hillary Clinton has proposed that $5,000 be given to every baby born in America. It's not as expensive as it sounds. The current plan would not include babies whose dads are in the NBA.

If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, his wife would be the first First Lady with a pierced tongue... and, the Bald Eagle would be replaced as our national symbol by the Flying Pig.

The Iraqi government has ordered $100 million worth of weapons from China, in order to defend itself. Oh, wait... those weren't weapons: they were toys!

It's a big week for Senator Larry Craig. Not only is he being inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame, there's a special ceremony honoring him at the Minnesota Airport Stall of Shame.

A photographer is going to take a picture this week of 600 nude people gathered at Miami's Sagamore Hotel. Guess it won't be too hard to get them all to smile at the same time. It sounds like a mosquito's dream come true.

Pamela Anderson got married again last weekend, to Rick Saloman. I believe the honeymoon comes out on DVD next Tuesday.

They tried to make it a very "green" wedding. In fact, as the couple left, guests threw rice recycled from Pam's previous weddings.

You know what this means: a three-way fight at next year's M-TV Music Video Awards.

Scientists are studying fossils of a 75-million-year-old dinosaur they found in Utah. It was duck-billed and had over 800 teeth. Needless to say, when it wasn't attacking other dinosaurs, it was at the dentist.

In my mind, I just see this giant duck-billed dinosaur, stomping along and growling out, "AFLAC."

The energy minister of Qatar says the price of oil should be well over $100 a barrel. Somebody drives a Prius.

Britney Spears has applied for a job as a bartender at a Santa Monica hotel. There's the answer. It was between that and opening up a daycare center.

A new study says that a bad marriage could actually damage your heart. This condition is known as  "Larry King syndrome."

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are cleaning out their three houses and selling it all in a charity auction November 30th. No word if that includes the kids.

The Atlanta Falcons are planning to ask Michael Vick to return as much as $22 million in bonus money. Vick wants to know if they'll accept the money in Kibbles & Bits.

Pamela Anderson married Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend over the weekend. As you know, both are members of the mile-high club and the high miles club.

Dear Abby has written in her column that she supports same-sex marriages.  That's so gay.

Sharon and Ozzie Osbourne are going to auction off items from their three houses for charity.  Ozzie was shocked:  "We have three houses?"

Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest and will serve a 30-day jail sentence in December for a drunk driving conviction .  The sentence will be served in real time.

Actually, the judge had a sense of humor and sentenced Kiefer to 30-seasons in jail.

Iran is said to have developed a 2,000 pound smart bomb.  We'll see.  If it was really smart, it would go off in Iran.

Farmers in Finland are experimenting, using human urine as fertilizer on their cabbage crops. I suppose, then, you wouldn't need as much salt.  Hey---just trying to stay positive.

Wayne Newton was voted off "Dancing with the Stars" this week.  "Dat's a shame, darling, dat's a shame….."

I suppose if you want to look at things in a positive way, Joe Torre may soon have enough spare time to compete in "Dancing with the Stars".

The Republican presidential candidates held a debate this week and…oh, well, I don't need to tell YOU what happened.

I used to get upset when Christmas things would show up in the stores before Thanksgiving.  Isn't the presidential election over a year away?   I can't remember what people told me this week, let alone a year from now.

Lindsay Lohan says her time in rehab was "sobering".  Wasn't that the point?

Former President Jimmy Carter has called current Vice-President Dick Cheney a "disaster" for the country.  Cheney said he hoped to smooth things over with Carter during upcoming hunting trip.

The NFL says the Eagles are going to perform during half-time of the upcoming Superbowl.  Philadelphia fans say, "Great…but you get the Eagles to perform the first and second half, too!"

Lindsay Lohan has supposedly fired her mom as her manager. She should have fired her as a mom first.

John McCain has announced his health care plan:  stay out of the sun, eat lots of bran and take a daily walk.  McCain says that next he'll work on something for the rest of the country.

In New York, a pizzeria owner is being accused of counterfeiting.  Yep, they say he was making fake dough.  THEY say it, I never would. I guess there's no topping that!


#5)  Eggs Benedict
#4)  Samburgers
#3)  Pete Loaf
#2)  Ruben Studdard Sandwich(serves 50)
#1)  Quiche Lorraine