This Week's Wacks

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October 26th, 2007

Kobe Bryant reported to the Lakers training camp, which meant they had to go out and buy another ball for the rest of the team to use.

Viagra users are being warned that the drug may cause sudden hearing loss. The newscaster said something after that, but I didn't quite make out what he was saying.

The president of France and his wife have gotten a divorce. Yep, they both surrendered to the idea.

Someone bought Jay Leno's Harley for $800,000 in an on-line charity auction. Now we know what Jay's going to do after he retires: open a Harley dealership.

Britney Spears is being accused of running over a photographer's foot. Britney says all of her recent pressures and stress-filled days caused her to miss the guy that badly.

Wow, there are some really big fires down in Malibu. They haven't seen flames like this since Richard Simmons held his Pinka-Palooza Workout.

Vice-President Dick Cheney said that there's no way Iran is going to get nuclear weapons as long as he's in charge. At least he's finally admitting he's in charge.

Actually, Cheney said that the United States had a moral obligation to keep nuclear weapons away from Iran... and to do everything we can to prevent Ellen from adopting another dog.

The 12th International Clown Convention was held last week in Mexico. Of course, everyone was running around, saying "Don't squirt the water."

A French inventor says that after taking lots of digital pictures of "the Mona Lisa," he discovered that the painting actually contains lots of secrets.

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling told a group at Carnegie Hall, telling them that Dumbledore, the Hogwarts headmaster and mentor to Harry, is gay. That explains that foot-tapping scene with Hagrid in the last movie.

If you didn't know, Dumbledore actually dies in book six during an unfortunate incident in the Minneapolis airport men's room.

Fox has canceled their show, "Nashville." I'm shocked. I didn't even know they had a show called, "Nashville."

A traveling exhibit featuring items buried with Egypt's King Tut will tour the U.S. next year. Among the artifacts are a jeweled scepter, a wash basin and the pharaoh's very own "I love Larry King" button.

You know, I remember seeing the King Tut exhibit when it passed through our country some years ago.  To me, he looked like he was made out of putty. Yeah, I tot I taw a putty Tut.

When asked for a comment on the California fires, Paris Hilton is reported to have said, "That's hot!"

Those fires continue down in Southern California. The NFL said that "this Sunday's game between the...oh, wait, we don't have a team there. Never mind!"

Those fires in Southern California are just awful. In Malibu, the smoke is so thick, you barely tell which celebrity is checking into the rehab center.

It must be autumn in Southern California -- the skies are turning that smoky brown, the leaves changing colors, Marie Osmond falling...

Marie Osmond fainted during Monday's taping of "Dancing with the Stars." She wasn't voted off the show, but they did take away the dog Ellen had given her.

John McCain told workers at a small weapons factory that if he's elected, he's going to shoot Bin Laden with their weapons. Of course, he also told workers at a pie factory the other day the same thing.

The Dalai Lama was formally installed as a professor at Emory University on Monday. Toga party!!!

There are now over 755,000 names on the official terror watch list. I believe the official TSA rule is "anything over 5 vowels."

Nissan is going to start selling a car made especially for India that would cost $2,500. It's compact, aerodynamically designed and the peddling is great exercise.

As if all the fires and evacuations weren't enough, now California is reporting a marshmallow shortage.

According to a new survey, 48% of Americans say they are more stressed than they were five years ago. That statistic is even higher among Colorado Rockies' fans.

Halle Berry says those southern California fires are the result of "Mother Nature being angry." Hey, SHE'S the one causing the storms. I saw it in the movies.

Shirley MacLaine is claiming that White House hopeful Dennis Kucinich had an "extremely moving" close encounter with a UFO while at her house. I find that incredibly hard to believe: no space aliens in their right mind would come anywhere close to those two.

Simply Red says they'll be breaking up in 2009. That's a shocker for so many reasons, including the fact I didn't know they were even still together. Then there's the always important question, "Who?"

Britney Spears is attending parenting classes. If she actually shows up to all three of them, everyone in America will get a free taco from Taco Bell.

Of course, next Wednesday is Halloween...the night that Britney Spears goes door to door, saying, "Have you got my kids?"


   1. The old rubber stake gag
   2. "Wait a minute! That's ketchup!"
   3. Moving them so they wake up in a house of mirrors
   4. Give them a book on bat-room humor
   5. Invite them to a sunrise service