This Week's Wacks
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November 2nd, 2007
President Bush flew out to California and met with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The two immediately agreed that English is a tough language.
According to a new survey, a third of Americans believe in ghosts... 23% of us admit to have seeing one... and 5% said they had thought it was a ghost, but it turned out to be Michael Jackson.
It amazes me that there are conspiracy-minded people who easily believe in UFO's and that the government was involved in 9-1-1, but refuse to accept that Ellen's dog incident was a publicity stunt. Help.
A big 60th birthday party for Hillary Clinton in New York Thursday night. Elvis Costello performed when former President Bill Clinton asked him, "Hey, could you distract Hillary with a couple of songs for me?"
There was a point where a beautiful young woman had planned to jump out of the cake, but Bill kept yelling, "Stay down! Stay down!"
The U.S. dollar has dropped to an all-time low. What's really sad is that if it goes any lower, our currency could be replaced with something more valuable: Charmin.
The President of France walked out of an interview with Leslie Stahl of "60 minutes." She must have said "No."
I spent a quiet evening at home last night, just watching TV. Saw that show, "How I met your mummy."
The #1 movie last weekend was "Saw 4." It's the frightening tale all about how many World Series games we got to see on Fox this year.
Another "Gone with the wind" sequel is being published this Saturday. In a related story, Alex Rodriguez says he's through being a Yankee.
Argentina has elected a former first lady as their new president. I believe her name is Hilarica Clintinez.
This year's scariest Halloween costume in Colorado involves a broom. But instead of a witch, you dress up like one of the Boston Red Sox.
I was at the toy store the other day and they had them broken up into regular and unleaded.
I think if I ever became a zombie I'd just die.
Remember, it takes a village to burn the monster.
This year for Halloween, I'm putting on some tap shoes, locking myself into a public restroom stall and going as Senator Larry Craig.
By the way, Senator Larry Craig has once again declared "I'm not gay" and says that all he was doing in that Minnesota men's room was celebrating Halloween early... and THAT'S why he asked the guy, "Trick or treat"?
To honor the Boston Red Sox's recent World Series win, the Franklin Zoo in Beantown has named their newest baby giraffe "Sox." In Colorado, the Denver zoo has also honored the Rockies by naming a new baby hippo after them. It's called "Four and out."
This looks like a job for Captain Underpants! And his trusty sidekick, Brief Boy! What about Garter Girl? Oh stop!
The U.S. government spent $43.5 billion on intelligence in 2007. Of course, the one thing we didn't find out: why we spent $43.5-billion on intelligence.
In case you were wondering, Pamela Anderson was able to grab her two most valuable possessions and escape from those Malibu fires. Of course, since they were attached, it would have been hard to leave them behind.
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich admitted the other night in the debate that yes, he has seen a UFO before while he was with Shirley MacLaine. He didn't know if they had arrived together.
So people didn't think they were crazy, the space aliens denied seeing either of them.
I was in a store last night and saw the Great Pumpkin knocked over by Santa Claus, who was yelling, "Get out of my way!"
Did you know that presidential candidate Ron Paul is not only a congressman, but he's also a practicing gynecologist? He's definitely the candidate who will get to the bottom of things.
In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. It was either that or, "Can you give a bus a hot hug?"
I ran out of candy last night, so I gave the last few trick or treaters the free tacos I picked up at Taco Bell.
It's good to see some kids are thinking about the right foods these days. Halloween night, some teenagers threw egg substitute at my house.
Hard to believe, but we're down to just 5,234 presidential debates left until the election.
In England, a grandmother celebrated her 100th birthday by going paragliding. Her family plans a huge celebration if she ever comes back.
The U.S. dollar has hit another all-time low and is now actually worth 5% less than Monopoly money.
A new study shows that too much fat and red meat is extremely bad for you. In a related story, the Beef Board just changed their official slogan to "Cancer: it's what's for dinner."
This year for Halloween, I just went out walking around, free, doing anything I want. I went as Robert Blake.
The big news here in Hollywood: a possible writers' strike. Talks have broken down and the writers could walk off the job at any... .. oh-oh.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ALL THAT LEFTOVER HALLOWEEN CANDY
1. Eat them all, so they just go away
2. Save 'em and hand 'em out next year
3. Snickers smoothies
4. Butterfinger sandwiches
5. Three Musketeers casserole
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim