Santa says there's only one thing that worries him about this upcoming holiday season: that Angelina Jolie might accidentally adopt one of his elves.
Conversation overheard in the street: "Get me a priest!"
"Why? Are you hurt?"
"No. I wanna stalk Conan O'Brien!"
Hollywood writers aren't the only ones on strike. Now Broadway stagehands have walked off the job, demanding more props. Well, not props: money!
Now the news writers are threatening to go on strike. Details at 11. Maybe.
Well, another Veterans Day has come and gone. Time to get outside and take down my Veterans Day lights.
Of course, on Tuesday, had to get out there today and hit those "After Veterans Day" sales.
For the first time, scientists have been able to create dozens of cloned embryos from one adult primate. Just so you know, a dozen or so monkeys is called a "troop." Anything over 100 monkeys is called a "congress."
They say gas prices are going to go up 30 cents a gallon over the next three weeks. The next time we see "they," let's beat 'em up!
Gas is getting so expensive, this year for Thanksgiving I can afford to go over the river, but not through the woods.
Guess what I found yesterday? My list of New Year's resolutions. Sadly at the top: being more organized.
I just saw the latest AFLAC commercial. There's nothing sadder than watching a duck turn down a turkey for insurance.
Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf says he is not a dictator and anyone who says so will be shot.
The Center for Disease Control says the number of reported cases of sexual diseases was at an all-time high last year. Now I'm feeling much better about all those rejections.
People magazine has declared Matt Damon the sexiest man alive. I knew I should have returned their phone calls. Oh, well...
Of course, when asked for a comment, Matt replied, "No, you idiots, get it right! My name is Bourne! Jason Bourne!"
A man in India has married a dog in a Hindu ceremony, trying to chase away a curse. Not surprising, the bride's mother was a real bitch.
What took a really long time was throwing the bouquet. The bride would toss it, fetch it, bring it back. Toss it, fetch it, bring it back...
As the couple left the church, the groom rode inside the limo and the bride chased it.
O.J. Simpson will go to trial on 12 criminal counts in connection with an armed robbery at a Las Vegas hotel. I can hear his attorneys digging out their rhyming dictionaries now.
Now Hillary Clinton has come out against drivers licenses for illegal immigrants and Britney Spears.
Hugh Hefner has made a $2-million donation to U.S.C. Of course, he's been a Trojan supporter for years.
A new study says that your name may help determine how you turn out. This according to the leader of the study, Tom Study-leader.
Wow, a week from today, we'll be eating leftover turkey.
TOP FIVE SIGNS A CO-WORKER IS ONE OF YOUR CLONES
1. I mean really, that is one attractive person
2. Always brings an identical lunch
3. People keep punching you for flipping them off... and you didn't do it.
4. Boss hopes you enjoy your raise, and you didn't get one
5. The other day, you were both late and early to a meeting