Barry Bonds is being charged with perjury, for supposedly lying under oath about using steroids. What's that word that comes to mind? Oh yeah: "Duh!"
It's looking pretty good that Bonds will be presented with baseball's golden asterisk award.
Lindsay Lohan spent 84 minutes in jail on Thursday for her drunk driving offense. She got off 5 minutes early for good behavior.
In Hollywood, when a celebrity gets arrested for drunk driving, they really thrown the pamphlet at 'em.
Outside her jail cell, protesters were heard chanting, "Five more minutes! Five more minutes!"
Lindsay Lohan spent 84 minutes in jail on Thursday, which figures out to be a minute for each person that saw her last movie.
84 minutes in jail for a drunk-driving conviction. Now go to your dictionary, cross out the word "deterrent" and write in "joke."
President Bush is opening up more air space to handle the Thanksgiving travel surge. My Uncle Harry says he's also adding more air space when he does the annual "pull my finger" prank at Thanksgiving.
Civil war enthusiasts are thrilled about a new photo of Abraham Lincoln that has surfaced. It shows him in the crowd at Gettysburg, sitting right next to a beaver. How did I miss that friendship all these years?
Archaeologists say they've discovered a new type of dinosaur. This one used to vacuum up food with its mouth. They're calling it the Kirby-Oreck-Hoover-asaurus. Well, they aren't, but I am.
Newly-released documents show that Winston Churchill used to watch the movie "Bambi" late at night to inspire him during World War II. It's also why he would never wander out into an open field with his mother.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, that day we set aside every year to give thanks for all we've got... then, go out the next day and buy even more!
Thanksgiving: that day when I always volunteer my time to stand and serve the unemployed, the destitute, the unfortunate. That's right: we're having the relatives over to our house this year.
According to the latest FBI statistics, Detroit is our country's "Most Dangerous City." In fact, the crime there is so bad they actually didn't win the award: they stole it from Newark!
Monday was National Ammo Day! That's when gun owners celebrate by drinking early, sobering up and then go out and get reloaded.
Monday was "National Ammo Day"... or, as they refer to it in Detroit, "Thanksgiving."
Dick Wilson, who became famous as Mr. Whipple in the old Charmin TV commercials, has died at age 91. In his honor, we'd like to take a moment of silence (after 3 seconds, toilet flush). Oh, VERY funny! Listen... that's the sound of my career.
Sadly, Wilson was choking on his food when someone tried to apply the Heimlich maneuver, he yelled out, "Don't squeeze! Don't squeeze!" and, well...
Alex Rodriguez has won the American League's "Most Valuable Player" award for the third time in five years. The award is based on how much a player can make George Steinbrenner pay.
Today we stuff the turkey... tomorrow the turkey stuffs us. Fair trade.
Don't know what the sobering news was, but over in Britain, beer sales have dropped 49% to a 28-year low. My theory: the general feeling that if you don't cut back, you could wake up some morning married to a woman like Camilla. Just a theory. Sometimes the truth hurts.
A good greeting for today: "How's it thawin'?"
The annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is tomorrow. What's different? This year, Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli won't be used to hold the giant balloons down.
TOP FIVE FAVORITE THANKSGIVING CAROLS
1. "The 12 Days of Leftovers"
2. "Giblet Bells"
3. "O Little Bird: a Tom, a Hen"
4. "O Holy Pie"
5. "We Three Wings"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR TURKEY WAS USING STEROIDS
1. Has also hit 762 home runs
2. Those aren't bowling pins, those are his drumsticks
3. He could bench press 320 pounds with his giblets
4. Had a hairy upper beak
5. Pop-up timer shot out, wounded seven
Yeah, I couldn't resist going back for seconds! Enjoy your leftovers!