This Week's Wacks
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December 21st, 2007
Because of the Mitchell Report, baseball players are now the "Boys of Some are....doing it like we thought all along."
Hillary Clinton has fired one of her staffers that suggested past drug use by Barack Obama. She then offered Barack a Coke.
Chicago has been hit with a winter blast of snow. On Monday Night Football, the Chicago Bears had to dig down through several feet of snow to find the ball they fumbled.
Well, Miami blew it and actually won their football game on Sunday. There goes their losing streak! C'mon, focus, people.
Russia has sent its first shipment of nuclear fuel to Iran. It was gift-wrapped, but we could still tell by the shape of the box what it was.
According to the latest polls, 95% of voters are saying, "Stop it! The elections aren't until next year!!!"
According to a new study, if the election were held today, no one would vote: everyone would be Christmas shopping.
Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon on October 6th. Pam filed for divorce on Friday. Whoever had 72 days in the pool wins.
Who could have ever seen that coming? The line forms right over here...
Actually, to keep it simpler, who didn't?
To Rick's credit, he was smart and only rented the wedding ring.
Actually, friends say the couple is planning to try and reconcile. Rick just had to run out to the store and buy more video tape.
9-1-1 tapes from Alex Trebek's heart attack last week have been released. On the audio, you can hear him asking the operator, "What... is... chest... pain?"
Singer Rihanna is denying the rumor that she and Josh Hartnett had a fling. Of course, that begs the question, "Why would you deny it?"
Remember, it is always better to give than to receive. So? What are you going to give me?
Aw, Christmas at the Minneapolis airport. When the guy in the stall next to you is tapping his toes to the tune of "Jingle Bells."
In the aftermath of last week's big storm, there are still 91,000 people in Oklahoma without power... that is, among those who had power to begin with.
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise visit Tuesday to Kirkuk. The surprise was that there was a place named Kirkuk.
As many as 25 football players will not play in Florida State's bowl game due to a major cheating scandal. Well, to be accurate, it's more of a "getting caught" scandal.
The National Enquirer is all over a "John Edwards Love Child" story. So, if he was elected President, we could have a first family and a second family.
The pregnancy was revealed by a group of "Swift Move" veterans.
In Connecticut, a woman was arrested for groping Santa Claus. Santa was said to be shaken and was off making a list, checking it twice, writing her down as "naughty but nice."
With Jay Leno and Conan both saying they'll be back on minus writers on January 2nd, Jimmy Kimmel says he's going to do the same thing. Just with fewer viewers.
The U.S. Senate has approved $80-billion to fund all the wars we're involved with. As is traditional at this time of year, they made their big purchase on credit.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. He told them he's flattered, but he's still not interested in buying that Time-Life DVD series on penguins.
They had a 7.2 earthquake in Alaska on Tuesday. Spokesman Yukon Cornelius said everything was OK, because after all, "bumbles bounce!"
The folks in Bethell, Maine, hope to build the world's largest snowman. You wanna talk about balls! Uh, snowballs. What were YOU thinking?
In Spokane, Washington, someone threw an object at Santa, as he rode around on the back of a pickup truck. It knocked him out, broke his nose and gave him two black eyes. You can understand why Santa hires so many body doubles.
Apparently, he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, but he just doesn't know when you're throwing things. Good t know.
Liza Minnelli's ex-husband, David Guest, was admitted to a London hospital for chest pains. Yes, that sound you're hearing is the scraping of the bottom of the Hollywood news barrel.
Just about time to start my Christmas shopping, isn't it?
According to a new study, the fertility rate in the United States is way up. Like we have to tell that to the Spears family.
In Utah, Mary Young has tied the knot with Brian Christmas. Yes, her new married name is…..Mary Christmas. Her maid of honor was Happy Newyear.
Kiefer Sutherland is celebrating his 41st birthday today, in jail. All the inmates are planning to give him the same gift. I've already said too much.
TOP FIVE SIGNS CHRISTMAS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER
1. Seriously? You need a sign?
2. Mrs. Claus starting to work on page 4 of the "honey-do" list
3. The stores are starting to put up their Easter Decorations
4. Elves booking Hawaii time-share vacation
5. Santa yelling out, "I've got a sleigh to catch!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR MAY BE AN ELF
1. Ladder always out by mailbox
2. 3-foot high basketball hoop on garage
3. Has 14 tiny cars in his garage
4. Bumpersticker on car says "Elves Local 1410"
5. Refers to Santa Claus as "A slave driver"
TOP 5 SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GETTING A CHRISTMAS BONUS
1. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
2. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
3. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
4. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times
5. You're the starting quarterback for the Miami Dolphins
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA? Tim