This Week's Wacks
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January 11th, 2008
QUICK PERSONAL NOTE: Yeah, I'm back from my honeymoon. I'd tell you all about it, but just wait until the video comes out.
The state of New Jersey has officially apologized for slavery. But they're still refusing to budge on Newark.
Bill Clinton says that he can't make Hillary "younger, taller and male"... but if he were to pick two of the three, it would be the "younger" and "taller" options.
Panasonic has unveiled a 150-inch flat panel TV. Speaking on behalf of all guys: "Still not big enough!"
Britney Spears' car has been impounded. I can't believe it took us this long to figure that out.
If she does end up selling it, one thing's for sure: the seat belts are just like-new.
This just in: Britney Spears wasn't in the news today... so far... as of five minutes ago... then again, I haven't checked.
We came to a decision last night, looking at our brown Christmas tree: time to paint it!
In Mexico, a 10-year-old boy glued his hand to his bed so he wouldn't have to go back to school. Let me know how that works, would ya?
Former President Bill Clinton says he wasn't surprised that his wife came back in the presidential race Tuesday in New Hampshire. If there's one thing Bill has learned over the years: always know when you're wife is coming back!
President Bush is traveling in the Holy Lands. He says he wishes he could have been there a couple of weeks ago, so he could have sung, "Have a holy, joly Christmas."
Stephen Colbert served chili to striking writers picketing outside of his studio Tuesday... with the agreement that they'd stay outside.
Avon is laying off 2,400 workers from its overseas offices. You know what's the best part about working at Avon? Make-up sex.
A new study suggests that drinking about 2 1/2 bottles of wine a week may result in a lower risk of premature death compared to those who completely shun alcohol. A toast: "To research!"
2-1/2 bottles a week? Wow, I'm twice as healthy as I thought I was...
Forbes has declared Denver the "most lustful city in America." Duh! Isn't it the corporate headquarters for the mile-high club?
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has dropped out of the presidential race, which has shocked a lot of people. Mostly those who didn't even know he was in it!
John Kerry is going to endorse Barrack Obama for president. Barrack is still debating on whether or not to accept it.
Someone has come out with baloney-flavored bubble gum. I guess, for those who like their bubble gum to have a name.
TOP FIVE FEATURES OF INDIA'S NEW $2500 ULTRA-CHEAP CAR
#5) Features patented Flintstone braking system
#4) Winds up in just five minutes!
#3) Body is made entirely of strongest, most durable cardboard available
#2) Burglar-proof, because, after all, if that's all you can afford for a car, it's doubtful you own anything else of value
#1) Candles in headlights easy to replace
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA? Tim